Exhausted and drained from living with toxic alcoholic mother, boyfriend wants me to move in so I don’t have to deal with her. Help?

Good evening all,

Throwaway account here. Tonight I [23,F] got into an argument with my mother and it got pretty bad to the point my boyfriend wants me to move in with him. Let me share some backstory for you all.

My boyfriend [25,M] and I have been together for a year and I’m extremely close with his family and they’ve done nothing but welcome me in with open arms and treat me wonderfully. They’re truly the family I wish I had growing up as I never had siblings and wasn’t super close with my mother so getting along so well with his mother and siblings and their in laws is important to me.

My mother and I have never been close. She’s been an alcoholic all my life and stole money from my father and I and does nothing to contribute to household finances and just simply does nothing all day. I work full time and go to school full time at night while I’m finishing up my bachelors degree. My father works as well and has been the sole provider for over a decade and is also retired. My mother has been very manipulative and narcissistic my entire life and it’s crushed me to a point where I’ve tried to have a good relationship with her as I’ve gotten older, but she just is selfish and only wants to be around me when it benefits her (when she gets alcohol). A lot of emotional abuse and manipulation have surrounded me while I grew up and as a result I’ve been closer to my father my entire life since he’s the other victim as she uses him as well for her benefit. To keep it very brief, Mother is not a good person unfortunately and is very toxic.

Things have been really rough the last few months here as I’m getting closer to finishing up school. I live at home while finishing my education at the request of my father since he wants me focus on education as much as I can without having to worry about rent and utilities and other bills on top of my tuition since I pay for my education myself.

We’re hosting a family get together for my first college graduation with my associates degree which I completed not too long ago but there’s only one yearly commencement. My boyfriends family members work everyday except Sunday’s so when planning a “party” I made it known to my family I wanted it to be on a day his family could attend as well. My father has no issue with whatever we decided to do, it was originally just going to be some close family coming over for a BBQ and my dad was going to make some lunch for us all. Well, this little get together ended up getting larger and almost 30 people will be attending this, and it’s due to my mother inviting more people than anticipated. Nothing wrong with this at all, I love my family and I’m glad everyone is coming because I feel special and I’ve never really celebrated anything quite like this so it is nice to be recognized every once in a while, however my father is a little concerned with how big the guest list is getting yet my mother keeps sending out invites like they’re candy. Our house is not very big which was the reason it was originally going to be 10 ish people max, now that number is almost 30 and we have to essentially double the quantity of food we had planned and my dad had to reach out to a friend to have him come over to help with another smoker in order to accommodate. This is something that’s stressed me out about this get together and I know it essentially isn’t that big of a deal to most, but I do worry about him since he does BBQ as a hobby because he enjoys it, but I don’t want to make him feel like he has to churn out racks of ribs and such all day long to feed all these people or spend a fair amount on extra food to make sure everyone’s fed (my mother insisted we don’t tell people to bring anything because we’ll have too much food...).

So that’s all important to keep in mind, as tonight I mentioned to my mom how I’m glad so many family members are coming but I worry about my dad and the amount of food that will need to be cooked. She then proceeded to tell me to invite over 10 more of my friends to which I responded “no I don’t want to put that many more people on the list because there’s already gonna be a ton, I can get with them later and celebrate another day”. She took great offense to this for some reason and had a fit and yelled and screamed at me about how I was being so selfish for not wanting to invite my friends to my get together because I prioritized family (um...duh?) and how there’s not going to be that many people there and how my dad knows how many people he needs to feed and he’s approved it (except he expressed he didn’t want it to be a big party, I know he’s overwhelmed because he’s informed us of it but mother continues to ignore). The biggest issue with this quarrel is how she said I was selfish for making it on a Sunday to have my boyfriends family there because “if this was going to be a family reunion we could have done it on our fucking time not your boyfriends”.

I found this so rude and was extremely hurt by her words about my boyfriends family. They’ve been incredible to me and my parents and my mother is just never pleased with anything anyone does. I expressed this to my boyfriend after talking to my dad about it all and both of them are 100% on my side and don’t know how I’m being blamed for being courteous to ensure his family is there since they are like second family to me.

This conversation ended up turning into my boyfriend wanting me to move in with him as a result of tonight’s squabble. I’m not opposed to this at all, but I just don’t want him to be offering it because he feels he should because of my home situation. Him and my mother get along but he’s heard of how toxic she’s been to both my father and I along with other family members and has witnessed it a few times and doesn’t care for her. I worry if I move in with him to escape my toxic mother it will cause more issues once my mother knows she was the driving reason I am out. She keeps mentioning to everyone how I’m “going to be gone soon” and it really gets on my fathers nerves as well as mine since she doesn’t do anything all day yet she’s eager to get me out of the house ASAP, yet I know if I do leave she’ll turn it around on me and make herself the victim and it may damage relationships with my aunts and uncles on her side.

I sincerely don’t know what to do. I’m stuck and wanted to come to reddit because I don’t have a place I can really vent for unbiased opinions and advice. I really apologize for the long post but I want some feedback if at all possible. I feel like things have become so tense over a stupid get together I’d rather just cancel at this point to save face and stop worrying about it but at the same time I don’t feel I should have to cancel one day that’s about me because my mother is selfish and I chose to prioritize my family and my boyfriends family and choose to do something different with friends that wouldn’t require my father to work even harder than he has to already. I REALLY can’t stress how easily it would be for me to pack everything and move out but I want to do it in a way that’s respectful to my mother despite her wanting me out so much and her being one of the reasons. I know I’m an adult and can make my own choices but I just don’t want to jump into anything and risk breaking familial or romantic relationships because it’s done hastily. I want to make the decision properly. Any feedback is appreciated and god bless you for reading this long if you have. You’re a champ.

TLDR; mother is toxic and we don’t get along. Relationship with her has been strained, a small get together has expanded and overwhelms my father who’s cooking and I chose to make it a family affair instead of adding friends. Mother flips out and boyfriend is hurt and sad I have to deal with it and wants me to move in. Don’t want to ruin familial relationships if I do. Need advice please.

Submitted April 29, 2019 at 09:38PM by thrownawaym8tes http://bit.ly/2GSSfZl