I recently took up an extreme outdoor sport; everybody knows one another (or at least their names) and it’s a very tight-knit community, with people running into each other all the time.
I’m currently taking lessons to get into this very male-dominated sport, and there are several instructors who work with me + a small group each lesson. The group size varies between 2-7; I’m no stranger to being the only female in the group, although we do have other females who drop in from time to time.
The main instructor is the one who actually owns the school and coaches us through the maneuvers; he stands at the top of the hill. The assistant instructor picks us up from the bottom of the hill and drives us back to the top of the hill; he coaches us in equipment handling and organization.
Now, I’m a student who loves to engage with my instructors and classmates. I ask lots of questions and pick my instructors’ brains on their experience with this sport. My relationship with the assistant instructor is easygoing and I definitely look up to him (he’s been a pillar in this sport for over 20 years). As soon as I get to the bottom of the hill, he helps me wrap up my equipment and I get some time to ask more questions. The car ride back up takes about 5 minutes and there’s usually 1-2 other people with us. He’s extremely professional and there has never been anything untoward yet.
Today, there were only two of us in class and the other guy had to leave early, so near the end of class, I was alone with the assistant instructor at the bottom of the hill (the main instructor was driving himself down from the top of hill). The assistant instructor spent some time coaching me through some ground maneuvers, and then we hopped in his car to go back to the parking lot, chatting the whole way about the sport. When we got to the parking lot, he drove me to my car and we sat for a few more minutes wrapping up the conversation.
He has a faulty side door, so I couldn’t get out by myself (he had to open the door for me). I thanked him and he complimented me for doing well in the lesson, and gave me a hug (this is normal; he’s a friendly and personable guy, although it was our first hug).
He kept looking at me (this is where I started feeling weird and that something was not right) and asked if I wanted to get lunch. I declined because I had plans, but kept the offer open because I wanted to be friendly with my instructor. He was still staring at me and kind of moved his face closer—I thought it was another friendly goodbye hug, so I went in for another small hug and he kissed my hair (I stiffened a little and ended the hug, but still kept a friendly demeanor).
“Ok, leave now. You need to leave now because it’s taking everything I have to not kiss you.”
My heart sank. As I pulled open my door, he walked back to his car and said over his shoulder, “I’m going to miss you so much and it will be hard for me until you get back. You owe me a kiss when you get back!” (I made prior plans and not attending class until three weeks later).
The words and everything didn’t really hit me yet because I was going through the motions of moving toward my car and waving goodbye, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and maybe I was in denial. Maybe I still wanted to believe that he was just being friendly. Maybe I still wanted to think of him as a mentor and someone I looked up to—not someone I have to be wary about.
As I said, it’s a very tight-knit sport. Everybody knows each other and the assistant instructor is pretty well-known in the community. He’s a super nice, chill, and chatty guy who gets along with everybody. All the students, past and current, view him fondly. He spends almost every day for the past 3 years with the main instructor and they are close-knit (they joke together, get beers together, etc). My main instructor obviously really values my assistant instructor’s help. I worry that I might ruin their relationship if I say something. I might even cost the assistant instructor his job.
I’ve been telling myself it’s not a big deal, the assistant instructor didn’t really do anything yet, he even told me to leave before he did something etc...but I feel uncomfortable now and I certainly want to avoid any situation where I find myself alone with him, although this isn’t really something I can control.
I’ve thought about talking to the few female classmates and seeing if it’s happened to them too. And maybe I can make sure I am always with another male classmate, so there’s some level of security. I feel at this point, it’s too early to raise the alarm, but then again it’s hard for me to think clearly about this since I know I’m resistant to conflict.
I’m hoping my three weeks away will cool the fire, so to speak, and we can get back to our professional student/mentor relationship (and he will have time to reflect on his actions and realize how wrong they were). But is this just me being naive?
TL;DR: My assistant instructor, who is many years older than me, acted inappropriately toward me when we were alone together. I’m hesitant to raise the alarm because this is such a niche sport, the assistant instructor is so well-known in the community, and he has a great relationship with the main instructor. I’m taking a pre-planned 3-week break from the class and hoping the time away will cool the fire.
Submitted April 28, 2019 at 11:42PM by Mintyleaf6 http://bit.ly/2J3MXfg
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