My [F, 26] Boyfriend [M, 29] Has Now Disclosed He Had A Sexual Relationship with His Female Best Friend [29]

Me and my boyfriend, both came from dysfuntional families. His parents are alcoholics, and he learned to lie to deal with them and create boundaries. That plays a big part in the issues we are having today.

He has a female best friend who has been through the thick of it with him and he has an ongoing relationship with, meaning, for over a decade, they went to high school together, were roommates in college, and moved across the country together. She now is in a relationship with someone she has been with for about 3 years.

Well, now they hangout daily. On average once a week. He has the keys to her and her bf's apartment, and can just go there and sometimes does to do laundry. They are all friends and hangout. Now from the get go, his relationship with her struck me as boundary crossing. He told me stories from college were they explicitly all shared they're sexual encounters...for reasons he called advice. That made me uncomfortable, but I tried to live with it and the explanation.

We have met once, as sort of a group date with her boyfriend and I ended up being just talked over and left out. I confronted my partner about it and he apologized and said he'd make a better effort but she hasn't made much of an attempt to hangout/get to know me more past that. Though she has hung out with him one on one several times since then.

Now, we are 6 months in, just signed a lease to move in with one another and I couldn't get past the feeling that something...boundaries, whatever, was off. She would even ask him things like to buy weed in bulk so she could buy from him, though we reside in a legal state and she has no barriers from using other non-risky methods. And again, his family has a history of issues with substances.

My bf had said in the past that he had some issues from when they lived together. I asked what made living together difficult that maybe I can know, to do differently, and he shared that in college she used to have sex really loudly or on the living room couch when he was there alone with her in their 4 person dorm sleeping with his door open. I thought that was really abnormal behavior and challenged what he had told me, that nothing had ever happened between them and he caved saying he had dug himself in a deeper hole and that they had slept together once but it was a failed attempt because it didn't feel right and he had a panic attack. I laughed and hung up the phone, realizing that he basically let me feel crazy for 6 months when I was intuiting something that was actually there.

I had to confront him because he didn't call me back. He had already started individual and group counseling within the course of our relationship because of his often interfering depression and anxiety, and not having been show the correct way of things growing up. He'd be willing to take couples counseling and was being honest.

I told him I would try to respect their friendship but needing time to process. I had follow up questions the next day and asked if they had ever talked about it and if her boyfriend of 3yrs knew if it was in fact nothing. I said he either needed to call her in my presence or all us needing to meet to talk about it. I didn't think anymore secrey was right and boundaries needed to be established, at least.

He chose to call her. He went in hot asking if she had ever told her bf they slept together. She said no. I told him to give her context to the conversation and he placed it on speaker and took it off. I had to ask him to but it back on speaker. He said I was talking in his ear, before placing it back on speaker. I acknowledged my presence and why, that this conversation needed to be had openly. She said it didn't have anything to do with her and that she would be happy to talk to my bf in private. She said it was 2 weeks of "kids being dumb", not one failed attempt like my bf had said. She proceeded to condescend and be aggressive saying it wasn't important and didn't know what I was hoping to get from the conversation. She began saying I didn't understand what my bf means to hear and the long relationship they had. At that point, I got up and walked away as I felt so sickened and disrespect. All he did was laugh and agree with what she was saying instead of standing up for my respect. At that point, I told him to end the conversation if we aren't going to actually talk about it. Before hanging up she said, good luck. I confronted him about his enabling of her, and that he needed to call her back to tell her it was not okay to disrespect me. And that point, she turned her phone was off.

Honestly, I'm not sure about what to do or how I feel. He has agree to participate and pay for couples counseling, but it seems like a lot would have to change for the success of our relationship. We signed an agreement of amicable living if we broke up, but I don't even know.

Tl;dr: My boyfriend is already working through issues but has a relationship and history with his female best friend that is unsettling. She has seemed not so interested in developing a friendship or mutual trust. When confronted to have an adult conversation about with their sexual history that was news to me, she only confirmed my concerns.

Submitted April 27, 2019 at 11:20AM by LongSighhh http://bit.ly/2V6ftUQ