My (33F) husband (35M) called me pathetic and now I’m questioning if he is right and how to move forward

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 6. We have definitely had our ups and downs, and he can be very vindictive and mean when he is angry. I have told him before that it is not ok to me for him to be purposefully mean, no matter how angry he is. Things have been rough recently as we have a two month old baby and we also just moved. He has been very helpful and has picked up a lot of slack over the course of my pregnancy/recovery, for which I have been thankful. However, the reason he called me pathetic is that he says I am “just not good” at being a mom and wife. This was so hurtful to me. We have two kids under two and this has been an adjustment, so things like laundry and unpacking have not been high on my priority list since we moved in. But if there is one thing I know I am good at it is taking care of my kids. All this started because he was mad that I woke him up from a nap to ask for help getting dinner together while the baby was screaming and the two year old was running around. Now, he had worked hard the last couple days out of town, but he slept in until 11:30 and then napped from 4-6, and I let him sleep without bothering him, so I didn’t feel like this was asking too much. He says that he “can’t be 24/7 dad” and that basically he should be able to do whatever he wants (nap) without me “bothering” him. This frustrates me because I don’t have a choice but to be 24/7 mom! He seems to think that staying home and taking care of two kids is a walk in the park and that I’m pathetic for not getting more done during the day while he’s gone or for needing his assistance when he is home. He acts like he is doing me a favor by helping with the kids or things around the house since he works and I am at home with the kids right now (maternity leave). I can’t stop thinking about him saying this and wondering if he genuinely feels this way. And either way, if he feels like I’m pathetic or if he just said that to hurt me, I don’t know how to get past the hurt that I’m feeling because of it. He is not one to apologize, usually in the heat of the moment he just doubles down on whatever mean thing he said, and then after a day or two he just acts like nothing happened. I don’t think I will be able to do that this time. I want our relationship to work and don’t want a divorce, so I’m not looking for comments like “you should leave him.”

How can I move past this and set boundaries about the way he talks to me in the future? Does he have a right to be upset that I spend most of my time/energy taking care of our kids and have slacked on house stuff?

TL;DR - My husband really hurt my feelings, will probably act like nothing happened, and I don’t know how to move forward productively.

Submitted April 28, 2019 at 05:12AM by wish_i_could_sleep http://bit.ly/2WjGWi0