tl;dr: My wife (30 years old, Chinese-American, born and raised) has not gotten along well with my mom (first-gen Chinese) since we got married around 5 years ago. Now my wife is pregnant and my mom is angry/passive-aggressive about how/when she can visit after the baby is born. What do I do?
Sorry! This is long, but I think the context is important.
Background:
My wife and my mom don't get along.
First fiasco: When we got married, my wife (and I) wanted a small wedding with just our immediate families (~10 people). My mom wanted to invite all our 50 relatives, go to China to have another wedding, etc.
My mom was pissed off; she said a wedding is a contract between families, not just 2 people. She was passive aggressive and stopped talking to us for a couple of months but eventually caved and came without inviting 50 other people.
Since then, my wife and mom and I talk occasionally on the phone or visit my mom at her home (in another state), and my wife doesn't like how my mom:
- always has 5-10 relatives staying over at the home 24/7 when we're visiting, so there's not much private immediate-family time
- repeats the same stories over and over again
- gives unsolicited advice about career, life, etc.
- always looks to "help" even when not wanted/needed. My mom also takes it personally when asked not to help, thinking we don't think she's "good" enough or not treating her as "family".
Current Situation:
My wife is now pregnant. Her own mom is coming over for about a month after the baby is due to help out. After that, my wife wants more private time with the baby, and just generally doesn't like having people staying in the house 24/7 because it limits personal freedom, especially breastfeeding or just baby-talk time.
I also want privacy/freedom but my wife and I compromised and decided that it's ok for my mom to come and stay in our house for ~2 weeks after birth, both to:
- see the baby, and
- just to visit, since we haven't seen my mom in 2 years (COVID).
My mom asked for 4 weeks, and told me to invite my brother, since he's a family member, and everybody needs to celebrate a birth in the family. My mom also said that she will help out since she said my wife will be "very tired" after pregnancy (which is probably true). My wife and I want my mom to come only to see the baby and hang out briefly.
My mom is now angry at me for:
- limiting the visit to 2 weeks
- asking her not to help unless needed
- suggesting that my wife wants some degree of privacy / bonding time so soon after delivery
- Not enthusiastically asking my brother to come.
My wife doesn't want my brother coming since he's not very useful, and doesn't feel comfortable breastfeeding or doing baby-talk with the baby when people (even family) is walking around the house 24/7. My wife would prefer to have my parents come over, stay in a hotel, and only come over no more than 3 hours a day or so in the house.
My mom is now pissed at me and passive-aggressively saying she doesn't want to come anymore.
What do I do? No matter what I do, my wife or my mom is going to be pissed at me.
Submitted August 23, 2021 at 09:53PM by loscue https://ift.tt/3gvoxv3
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