My dad is blaming me for breaking our family apart because I won’t reach out to my SIL who’s done nothing but hurt me for years.

My sister in law (29 years old) was great at the start of her relationship with my brother. She was nice to me (25f), my family, and we all got along. As soon as my brother proposed to her it’s like she got what she wanted and her true self came to light. She started telling little white lies but we (my parents, other siblings and I) brushed them off because we just want my brother to be happy. Now here’s the thing...

They’ve been married for 3 years now and she’s only gotten worse. She goes around and accuses me of saying things that I NEVER said, and then when someone asks me why I said something so mean, I get very frustrated and say it’s not true. And I promise I am the first to admit when I do or say something wrong - guilt eats me alive and I’d rather own up to my mistakes. One time my brother told me that she was crying over something I said and after calling me a liar for telling him I hadn’t even talked to her that day (I had the flu, was sleeping all day, hadn’t talked to anyone), he said “okay well she FEELS like you would say something like that.” ...That in itself is a HUGE issue. I have a big problem with someone who “feels” something and puts words into someone else’s mouth because of their feelings. I mean, really?

She also has major control issues. She has a few allergies and expects everyone to base their meals off her allergies because she thinks she will get sick if she smells the ingredient (we know her allergies are not severe and have confirmed this). Because of her allergies, she has not exposed her baby (1 year old son) to any of her allergies - telling us that he is allergic as well. Even when he hasn’t been tested or exposed enough to tell. She specifically requested my side of the family that not to speak with her son in the second language we speak because she doesn’t him to know a second language - she’ll feel ‘left out.’ So disappointing that my nephew could be bilingual and she is taking that away from him. Lastly, I have been a nanny for over 10 years. I got paid to drive babies, kids, a bunch of kids around and I have a 100% clean driving record. I drive like an old lady with kids in the car because I understand the precious lives that are with me. When I started voluntarily taking care of my nephew to help out her and my brother during these times, I was told I can only feed him the food she provides (fine), cannot take him out unless it’s for a walk (what?), cannot post pics of him (she thinks he will be kidnapped... okay.....) AND here’s the kicker: I am not allowed to drive him. They have to either pick him up or drop him off or someone else in my family has to do so. Meaning even if I want to take him somewhere with me, I cannot. She doesn’t trust my driving. Meanwhile she has been in more accidents than I can count, and her family is an absolute mess of drivers. Her siblings got into accidents the first week they got their licenses and yet I can’t drive him around. She simply wants to control me in every sense.

My father talked to me the other day and told me that my brother had expressed frustration at the lack of communication I have with her. Yes, I don’t reach out because we do not get along. She has yelled at me multiple times. She has never apologized. And here I am being blamed for our relationship. She tells my brother that she “feels left out.” Yes, she is, because I do not want to hang out with her. She makes me feel terrible any time we talk and she has the worst manners. It’s a shock when we hear her say “please” or “thank you” and like I said, she will never admit her mistakes or apologize. Now my dad is saying that I am a big part of the reason my family may fall apart and be distanced from my brother. But I don’t feel like it’s my fault, and I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to reach out to someone who only hurts me. If she had tried to reach out to me that would be a different story, but she hasn’t. I want my brother to be happy and he says he’s happy with her, so I don’t want to break apart the family, but I’m stuck because I can’t just fake being friends with her. It’s taking a toll on my mental health, and it’s exhausting. Whenever there’s drama with my friend group, I cut out whoever is toxic. In this case I can’t.

I don’t know what to do. My dad is a great guy, love him to death and I usually agree with him as he’s a big role model of mine. But in this situation I can’t agree with him. I was taken advantage for my kindness growing up all the time and at a certain point I told myself I would never accept being close to someone who makes my life miserable. And he wants me to do just that - he wants me to suck it up, fake it, and do as she asks for the sake of my brother and our relationship with him and my nephew. What do you suggest I do? Do I give in? Would family therapy be of any help (but what if she lies there)? Anyone have any suggestions? I’m at a loss here.

tl;dr: My sister in law continuously lies to me, about me, and controls my life then blames me for the reason we aren’t close. My brother and dad want me to just deal with it for the sake of staying close and keeping peace in the family but I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

Submitted December 25, 2020 at 07:59PM by throwawaybcwhoknowss https://ift.tt/34IibCo