I tried posting an update but I think it got taken down so I’m trying to post the whole thing all over again. Thank you to everyone who left supportive comments they helped a lot. Some of the update material might sound repetitive. This is because it was not written at one time. I was journaling. I was simply recording what happened and to anyone going a similar situation keeping a written record helped. I was able to go back and look at things I wrote and analyze everything to try to understand what I wa thinking at that time.
ORIGINAL POST
I just found out my 15 years old daughter is not my biological child. My daughter was preparing for a family tree project for an online class and wanted an ancestry test. My father is half Native American but he died several years ago and I don’t know precisely what Native American blood is in the family. My daughter came to me because it was my father and we didn’t mention it to her mother at the time. Well it turned out my daughter doesn’t have any Native American blood.
The obvious conclusion didn’t occur to me at first because the truth of the situation didn’t seem possible. I assumed there was a mistake, my first thought was that my father hadn’t been part Native American. So I took the test and everything became apparent.
It was a very emotional situation for me and my daughter. What I will remember the most was after she started crying she hugged so tightly and just kept saying over and over “I love you daddy.”
At home I confronted my wife and she looked like she’d had a stroke. She started crying and apologizing, you can probably imagine it. My wife and I got married BECAUSE she was pregnant. We had been together for more than a year when it happened. It turns out she was sleeping with multiple guys at the time. She says it didn’t mean anything and she doesn’t even remember some of their names. When she realized she was pregnant she said she she wasn’t sure who he father was. Since I was unaware of her extracurricular activities, she let me believe I was the father because I was the most financially stable. In terms of that she may have chose correctly, I have been very successful in my career and building passive income streams has been a hobby of mine for a long time.
My daughter got my wife to admit to this on tape as my daughter records the whole thing. I asked my wife several times, and she keeps insisting that she has been faithful for the entire time we have been married. I’ve never suspected anything but I also didn’t realize she was sleeping around before we got married so I’ve said I don’t believe her. I’ve come across a lot of the ‘red flags’ of cheaters and I can’t think of any of them during our marriage. She doesn’t use social media and she has never been guarded about her phone. She only drinks on special occasions and doesn’t go out for girls night or anything. Also she is a stay at home wife/mom so here aren’t any coworkers to worry about. She exercises at home as we have a very nice home gym. I don’t believe her when she says she hasn’t cheated after getting married but I can’t think of anything suspicious. We have a pre nup so I’m not worried about divorce if It comes to that
My daughter is another story. She is absolutely livid about the whole situation. I know teenagers can be emotional, I certainly remember how I was at her age. But she has never been very expressive, something I thought she or from me (nature vs nurture?) my daughter can’t stand to be around her mother. She has said some truly awful things to her mother. Basically variations of calling her a dirty sl@t who ruined our family. Whenever my wife tries to talk to her, my daughter yells and swears and cries like I have never seen. Christmas is coming up and my daughter is demanding my wife leave the house until after New Years so she can spend time with her real family (meaning me).
My daughter has even come o me privately saying that in the event of divorce she wants to stay with me. She has even asked if it is possible to disown her mother and be adopted by me. I haven’t told this to my wife.
My wife is preparing to leave for her parents house for the holidays. My wife and I had talked about the situation but have decided to wait until after New Years to make any decisions. I admit I’m grateful she agreed to leave because honestly I need some time to process this. I think I’m writing this as a way to just come to terms with everything that has happened.
EDIT: after writing this post I fell asleep for a few hours. I came back to he post after about ten hours and realized there were more than 200 messages. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment it means a lot. Additionally thanks for all of the compassion and kind comments. I was touched by the displays of support and I’m not ashamed to say I shed a few tears. I still haven’t read every message but know I intend to whether or not I respond to yours specifically. I want to address two consistent things mentioned in the comments.
I’ve had a DNA test. After our ancestry tests were different due to her lack of Native American blood we got proper DNA tests. That was when I confronted my wife. Looking back at the original post I’m sorry for not making that clear.
I have made it clear in no uncertain terms that she is my daughter and I am her father regardless of the situation. I’ve reiterated to her repeatedly that she can stay with me and I will never leave her. Several comments suggested she might be scared I will leave her or want nothing more to with her. Nothing could be farther from the truth and I tell her everyday.
UPDATE
Thank you once again to everyone who took time to comment. I was noted to address a few comments with some more information. some People wanted to know if I have any more children and the answer is no. For no specific reason, we just never had more children.
once again I realize I did not make it clear in the original post but I did have a proper test done and confirmed that my daughter is not biologically related to me. Regardless I have raised her for 15 years and she Will always be my daughter. I have heard the argue,ents against this and I remain unconvinced .
my relationship with my wife has always been good. She ha salways been a wonderful wife and mother but I admit that this situation has raised some obvious doubts and obstacles.
After my wife left, my daughter calmed down considerably but is still obviously shaken. We managed to all it out and she explained why she got so upset. Apparently she knows kids at school whose parents are divorced because of infidelity. In most of the cases, especially when the mother was the one cheating, the father tended to distance himself from the family. My daughter knows of one child ( not a close friend) whose father moved across the country after the divorce. The father only sees his children once or twice a year now. All of this was going through my daughters head when she realized what her mother had done.
my wife wants to talk with me and my daughter very much. Basically just to give her a chance to explain. My birthday is a few days before Christmas and my daughter has agreed to a video chat with her mother. imassured my daughter that if all she wants to do is listen then that’s fine. She doesn’t have to say anything. Thats whats happened since and I guess, I’ll just have to wait and see what happens next. Thanks for reading.
FURTHER UPDATES
My daughter and I have been spending a lot of time together, just playing games and watching movies and stuff like that. But even if I’m doing work on my computer or anything else around the house, she just wants to be in the same room as me. Even if she is just playing on her iPad.
After the initial shock of everything that happened I started to calm down and reminded myself of a few things. I think the reason I have been so successful is that I don’t make emotional decisions or act rashly or hastily. I have always taken time to evaluate a situation and make choices based on evidence. So I hired professional help. I had a private investigator keep an eye on my wife. She has location service on her phone and gps on her car but the PI confirmed that she only left her parents house once to go the supermarket. Her parents had called me after a couple days wanting to know if my wife was ok. My father in law said my wife only left her room for meals and hadn’t left the house since. The supermarket was a day or two later.
The second guy I hired was tech savvy. He is a friend of a friend and helped me go through my wife’s computer and phone and accounts. I was both impressed and unnerved about what this guy was capable of doing. We did a deep search that went back years. I don’t want to go into all the details of my investigation but I found zero evidence of any type of affair.
All of this made me think a lot. I reread my original post and I realized that what I wrote about getting married because of the pregnancy might have meant more than I thought. Maybe we didn’t get married for love. I certainly think we have grown to love each other and I still think we are in love. I realize that she lied but something really great came from that and one person left a comment that I hadn’t considered. If you are reading, then thank you for the insight. The comment talked about how all of my wife’s efforts to stay home and be a good wife and mother may have all been intentional and sign of her remorse and guilt of everything she had done.
My wife has been discreetly contacting me since left the house and we have chatted a little but it’s not about important stuff. After thinking about everything I didn’t find I agreed to talk with her after my daughter went to sleep. She did not look so great, she had obviously been crying and probably not sleeping well. It was a long conversation but she just apologized again for lying. She said she had always hoped I was the father. She admitted that she was young, dumb, reckless and irresponsible but getting pregnant made her reevaluate everything. She said she regrets blurting out that she chose me because I was the most financially stable although She admits that was part of it. She had a long list of reasons why she chose me. I’m not going to summarize everything but I believe she is sincere when she says all she wants is do whatever it takes for us to be able to be a family again. We agreed it may never be exactly as it was before but I said I’m not ready to throw away the best 15 years of my life. Yes that is exactly what they have been. I have to admit that I could not have asked for a better wife or mother to my child. The sense of relief seemed to overwhelm her and she broke down crying again.
Today is my birthday and as planned the three of us had our talk online. My daughter was very quiet for most of it. I talked a little about what we had been doing while my was at her parents. Nothing too excited. Then my wife said to my daughter that she just wants to explain herself. I’ve always believed that there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse. She did not try to justify herself or put the blame on anything or anyone else. Basically she told our daughter the same things she told me. Once again it was a long conversation that I can’t summarize in a few sentences. But it was good.my daughter very attentively and the only thing she asked was if my wife knew her who real dad was. I was unexpectedly moved by my wife’s answer “ your real dad is sitting next to you” that made my daughter cry openly. She apologized for the things she said to her mother in the beginning. I admit that my wife may have just been stroking my ego and saying what she knew I wanted to hear.
Based on the fact that I could find no evidence of my wife being unfaithful and just the conversations, I think we can move past this. My daughters going to start counseling after the new year and eventually we will have couple/family therapy as well. We talked about having Christmas together in a few day as a family. This whole thing has been a real rollercoaster but I’m optimistic at the moment.
I was having a drink by myself to toast my birthday after my daughter went to bed. I think it will be possible for the three of us to be a family again, I certainly want to be. I really liked hearing the things my said, of course I can guess why she said a lot of them. I’m thinking a lot about what my daughter said about her ‘real father’. That hurt the more I thought about. I don’t think she intended to hurt me and I’m not sure she even realizes how it sounded but it wasn’t fun. We’re still spending a lot of time together and it’s been great. I’m not going to ask her about finding her biological father and if she brings it up then I’ll just cross that bridge when it’s time.
We went to my wife’s parents for Christmas Eve. My brother and mother met us there and it was fun time. Before coming over me, my wife and daughter agreed that we would but polite and cordial but maybe keep a discreet distance. The day was as you would expect it to be spending time with the family. That evening my wife came home with us. When we got home the two of them spent time talking alone. With a few Christmas cookies I hand my daughter went to her room for the rest of the night.
When my wife and I were alone we talked more. She reiterated a lot do the things she had already said. I think I mentioned this already but there was one commenter, if you’re listening thank you, who said that all her choices to stay home might have been intentional. My wife did not say these exact words but that was the basic message. After getting pregnant she realized that she had to grow up and she said she worked as hard as possible and did everything she could think of to be the perfect wife and mother. By this point we were actually in our bedroom. She got down on her knees and said she will redouble her efforts to be even better. She said she knew I was considering divorce but all she said was ‘please give me a chance to prove myself.’ She said if there was anything I needed from her Andy thing she could then she would do it without hesitation. All she wanted was to keep our family together. It’s difficult to fully describe the emotion of everything that has happened. But I believe in her sincerity, in this moment. We spent a very passionate night together.
Christmas was a good time. I’m not going to say it was perfect, we were aware of the elephant in the room but it was still a good day. It was the first time just the three of us were alone since the truth was uncovered. But we did have a good day. We had our traditional Christmas breakfast and then we watched the movie it’s a wonderful life before we opened presents. One of the gifts to our daughter was a video game console and she asked if we could organize a family game night and this made my wife cry. She left the room and came back composed but I think she just wasn’t expecting something like that. I think I already mentioned that we are going to do some therapy after New Years. I don’t think there is anything else to say at this point. I’m not going to say everything will work out for everyone dealing with similar situations but I think me and my family will be able to move on. Thank you for everyone who commented the first time around, it helped more than I thought would. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
TL;DR I learned my 15 year old daughter is not my biological child. Wife did not know who the father was but chose me because I was the best option. We may try to work it out.
Submitted December 27, 2020 at 03:40AM by Used-Ad-7300 https://ift.tt/3pxuTfz
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