Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say that this page and r/Judaism have been really helpful for me over the past few weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me. He’s a Conservative Jewish man, and I’m a Christian woman (both 25). We dated for 4-5 months and they were truly the greatest months ever—for both of us. We met on an app, and when he liked me despite my profile stating that my religion is Christianity, I assumed religion must not be a dealbreaker for him. On top of this, we spoke very early on about religion and how we were both okay dating someone outside of our faith. We also told both of our families almost immediately, and both families were completely supportive. He assured me neither he nor his family would have any expectation of me ever converting, even if things got really serious.
About 3.5 months in, we had our first really difficult conversation about religion when I mentioned my mom had said “I still care about your salvation” to me when I told her I wouldn’t ever have to convert. I thought this would be expected: I’m Christian, and he know my parents are regular church-goers. Instead, it freaked him out. We had a long conversation about how he wants to raise his kids Jewish and what this means to him. And honestly, it was a lot (for someone who has never done any of these things). Shabbat every Friday. Religious school. Synagogue. Summer camp. Wanting us to meet with a rabbi and learn about Judaism together. When I asked if he would be okay, then, learning about Christianity together, it was clear that made him really uncomfortable and hesitant. And when I mentioned the kids maybe going to church camp, too, that also didn’t sit right with him. It was clear it would not be a 50/50 household, probably not even 80/20. It seemed like every day would be Jewish except for Christmas and Easter (which he said he would go to church for).
A couple weeks ago we talked about this again. It turned out he had spoken to his parents about our first conversation and he referenced a couple from his Conservative synagogue that was interfaith, which I think he had kind of been looking to as evidence that this could work, and that we could be just fine. The wife was Christian, and the family would all celebrate Christmas. His parents then informed him that, in fact, the wife had converted. While they still celebrated Christmas (perhaps on a secular level), she had converted to Judaism a long time ago. We talked again about all the things he would want to raise his kids with, and I agreed to doing all the Jewish things…but that I would not convert.
He ended up breaking up with me over the phone that night, saying that he really needs his kids to feel completely Jewish and grow up in a Conservative Jewish synagogue. And with me not being Jewish, I would never really get to be 100% involved there and would always be excluded from some things. And that he wants to be able to grow in his faith with time, and he doesn’t want to be alone in that. This was his first relationship ever, so I guess he’d never had to think this through and realize all the things he needs. A lot for someone who isn’t Jewish. While it may not be “converting” to him, I think all the things I was already willing to do would have looked a lot like converting to my Christian family. I felt like I was offering a lot, but there was little to no room for him to compromise.
It’s been really, really hard. On both of us. But reading posts here about people who were together for 4, 6, 8, even 10 years and then broke up because of this very reason makes me glad we talked about this stuff so early. I know that it was the right thing to do, and I am not angry at him. The truth is this likely would have really complicated our relationship over time. While I haven’t been super into my faith the past couple of years, perhaps it’s something that I will find myself growing in again (I kind of hope so now, if for no other reason than to make this breakup worthwhile…) and if that were to happen, I probably wouldn’t be okay with the very unequal ratio of Judaism/Christianity in our home that I, likely blinded by early love, thought I would be okay with.
I post this because it’s still really hard (especially since I can’t seem to stop dreaming about him at night) and welcome any advice on getting through this. Having a hard time feeling like I'll ever connect so amazingly with anyone else (he's really an incredible guy) and dealing with everything going from "perfect" to "over" so suddenly due to something that can't be changed. I also post this to hopefully encourage people to have these conversations early on if possible. Envisioning that your household and kids would be 50/50 because you, as a couple, are 50/50, may not be what your partner is envisioning. Having the conversation early will still be hard, but I know we’ve spared ourselves a much bigger heartbreak down the road.
Sorry this is so long--I think it was also just therapeutic to write this out, so thank you. Wishing everyone a very happy new year. At least I can just lump this breakup into 2020 with all the terrible things that happened this year!
TL;DR Broke up over religious differences, spoke about them early, advice on getting over this please and your thoughts in general, would recommend having these conversations early if relevant!
Submitted December 30, 2020 at 04:36PM by Ok-Huckleberry-471 https://ift.tt/2MnKJLm
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