Not looking for a pity party (I'm the one in the wrong here), but I could use some hope. I [F27] tend to snap at my fiancé [M30] when I'm upset. Has anyone here successfully overcome this?

My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months. Overall, our relationship is incredible. My therapist loves us together and thinks we're really good for each other; he was so excited when we got engaged. That said, I tend to snap at my fiancé when I'm stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious. It's never extreme–I don't scream, call names, or get physical (I would never). I just get heated and harsh, and my fiancé doesn't deserve that.

Quick example: Last night my fiancé was upset and wouldn't tell me why. He's always struggled with communication, and at first I was very understanding. I tried to be as gentle and patient as possible. In some ways his communication has improved a lot since we got together, but he still struggles to tell me what's wrong when he's upset. Every time he clams up, I'm a nervous wreck until he eventually tells me what's wrong. I'm getting really sick of dealing with this, and we're working on it. We've started scheduling relationship check-ins per my therapist's advice.

Back to last night: When I saw that he was upset, I gently pushed him to open up. He kept saying he was fine. Finally I asked, "Would you prefer if we just dropped it?" He said yes, so I dropped it. I told him I loved him, I was sorry if I'd hurt him, and I was here if he needed to talk about it. I was a little anxious when I went to bed, but when I woke up and saw that he had slept on the couch, I assumed he was really upset. (Edit: He wasn't, he just accidentally fell asleep on the couch. Should've mentioned that.) My anxiety spiked, and I got angry. I felt that because he refused to talk to me, he wasn't respecting my emotional needs. This is where my fuck-up starts.

I went downstairs and demanded to know what was wrong (mistake 1). I said "We have to stop doing this. It's fucking with my head so bad. You have to stop lying to me (mistake 2) and telling me you're ok when you're not." I didn't raise my voice, but my tone was very harsh (mistake 3). He told me why he had been upset (we hadn't spent enough time together the night before) and then went quiet. I gave a half-hearted apology (mistake 4), and then I waited for him to speak. When he didn't, I said "If something's wrong and you're not ready to talk about it, can you please just say 'We'll talk about it later'?" He said that was fine. I went back to bed, and a few hours later, I apologized to him for snapping, being harsh, and not spending enough time with him the night before. I told him what I was doing to fix this problem and how much I love him.

I'm working with my therapist to improve my communication skills and my emotional-regulation skills. He's given me some insight and a few exercises to try, and I plan to see him weekly until I've fixed this problem. I've also started meditating and taking Vyvanse for adult ADHD type 2 (inattentive type). People with ADHD struggle with impulsivity and being too emotional, so hopefully this medication will help me.

The thing I'm struggling with most is extreme disappointment in myself. I usually see myself as a very empathetic, caring person, and the fact that I snap so easily makes me feel awful, like I'm some kind of heartless shrew. I love my fiancé more than I can put into words, and I strongly feel that he deserves the best. I'm also nervous that I won't be able to change (which is silly, but still).

My question for this sub is: have any of you had this problem? Were you able to overcome it? How?

TL;DR: When I'm upset, I snap at my fiancé. I desperately want to change for him. Have any of you struggled with this and successfully overcome it?

Submitted July 07, 2020 at 10:14AM by morgana_the_octopus https://ift.tt/2Z5TKwo