My boyfriend and I were dating for four years, lived together for 9 months, and were planning on eloping at the courthouse within the next month. On July 3rd, I went to a friend's cabin for the day that was only an hour drive from our place. When I was there, I was texting him about memories we had from the first fourth of July we had together and I was being sweet and reminiscing. I told him I was thinking about coming home around 11 pm, but he kept telling me to just 'enjoy my time' and come home at some point in the morning and told me he was going to sleep. At 11:30 pm, I decided to drive home anyway because I just really wanted to be in my own bed, so I called him and there was no answer. I figured he fell asleep. I arrived at our house a little passed 12:30 am to see him gone.
In that moment, my gut instinct told me he was cheating, otherwise he would have answered. Plus he didn't get home until 1:30 am and stores around us close earlier because of the pandemic. He admitted to cheating on me after I accused him when he walked in the door. Prior to this, I thought our relationship had (what I would consider) normal issues (like getting mad someone's not cleaning up enough after themselves or small little things), but I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone. We were there for each other so much throughout the four years when it came to emotional support, financial support, and other things we knew we needed to help each other with. I helped him when he was starting his business and going through his drinking issues, and he helped me a lot while I was finishing my degree. He has always been someone that acted like he valued honesty and constantly wanted to build a future with me. We were constantly talking about a future together and we were having sex always 2-3 times a week, of which he would usually initiate and definitely enjoyed.
Turns out, the person he cheated on me with is transsexual (they identify as female, but still have male genitalia). This part really confused me because now, I am trying to figure out if I was just a security blanket for him and I also couldn't understand why he would hide his sexuality from me for so long because he knows how open I am to those things and if he had told me that he had these sexual desires and needed to explore a while ago, I would've been more okay with him doing that and figuring out what he really wanted or possibly even letting someone into our bedroom together to please him in ways that I can't physically fulfill. However, he was someone who constantly valued faithfulness and he wasn't a psycho about it, but he would've never been okay with me doing that.
After having multiple mental breakdowns, I thought about him getting therapy and maybe we'd be able to work something out because trust me when I say he has been through more childhood trauma than anyone I've ever known and I'm sure that may have something to do with why he feels okay hiding things. Then, I went digging through his emails and found out this happened 3 times throughout the course of our relationship and he admitted to it being 3 times. He was meeting these people on craigslist. I still don't know what to make of the fact that I just was never enough for him, but our relationship felt like everything I ever wanted before this.
I admittedly reacted very poorly to all of this news. I've never felt such shock and deceit before and I definitely didn't handle it well. I talked rationally to him recently to get some answers and he told me that he never intended to leave me (despite what he was doing), he'd feel guilty for a little bit about what he did (but eventually guilt would fade), he regrets it, was intending on marrying me, and says he loves me. Now, I'm just sitting here wondering what's the truth.
Do you think he ever really loved me and was he ever really in love with me? Did he not have any respect for me or our relationship? My heart keeps telling me I won't be happy in the future without him and he was the only one for me, but my brain keeps telling me that the right person for me would've never been capable of those things. What do I make of this? How do I trust people again?
Tl;dr: BF cheated on me with someone that had male genitalia, I still love him, but I am confused if any part of our relationship was ever real.
Submitted July 30, 2020 at 02:04PM by alliiigalee https://ift.tt/3jTlzjX
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