I'm a 26M, who never felt he belonged. Most of my life, I've doubted so much about myself, being abused when i was a child, having grown up in many different countries and never had real friends, and feeling I was never enough, or good the way I am, from my parents and family. I grew up with strict criteria of what is good and bad, and was always judged for it. My parents are the intellectual type, very educated, and very judgemental with other people. They had an idea of how i should be, and made me always feel guilty for it.My father is also aspergers. Until now, most of the decisions of my life came as a consequence of fear. I dropped out from college, never knew how to cultivate my passions, felt always extremely vulnerable to other people's opinions. I lived most of my life depressed, anxious and doubtfoul, fighting with anxious/scary thoughts in my mind on almost a daily basis. I developped eating disorder, and heavy marijuana use in my early 20s. However, i always got along wearing a mask, pretending to be a tough guy, funny clown in order to get attention, only to break down as insecure and weak, when it comes to actually bonding with people. I do have friends, and always had a large circle, but superficial because im an extrovert. Deep down, I have a very big heart, and I m the very perceptive, sensitive kind of guy who can immediately read everyone in a room, and gets deeply affected by the direction of the world, and society as a whole.
The point of my post is, I have an extreme hard time getting into a relationship. Most of my life, I've had one night stands, superficial relations without revealing myself. Whenever i get into something more, on one side, I get attached super easily, I need love, cuddle, sex, etc. On the other side, i have exteme ROCD, and as soon as i get attached to someone, I start having negative compulsive thoughts about the SO. I become scared as fuck that the person is not enough, not "intelligent" enough, not "intellectual" enough. I over analyze every move, word, action of SO, and get deeply negatively affected by it, if it sounds too "superficial", "ignorant" "stupid" to me. For example, if SO posts a selfie, something on instagram, i feel like shit because "only superficial people post selfies on instagram". If SO shows lack of common knowledge, talks about weather, food, or other small talk, I feel paranoid that I will not be able to have more serious talks, like say politics, history, ideas, life, etc. I have also lots of fear in revealing myself, and talking about "other than small talk jokes, daily BS chitchat", and talk about my real interests. I feel very attached, needy, and very difficult to break up with someone, and at the same time, my negative thoughts fill my mind constantly that i am with the wrong person and should run away. However at the same time, i am compulsively checking their social media, analyzing every step they do, etc.
I know that i have serious mental illness, and that my super judgmental, ROCD behavior is toxic. Therefore i do not show it to SO, and always pretend Im ok, cracking some joke, and pretending to be "fine". Sometimes i get nervous, and lose control for a few seconds, but i can handle it and dont make SO suffer.
I am getting nuts. I make progress in my life, work out, quit smoking, etc. I feel better. Then, BOOM, i meet a girl, get attached, and the shitstorm of ROCD, negative thoughts, etc hits me and paralyzes me on a daily basis.
Can anyone please relate?? I am desperate for some direction, insight, whatever. I dont know wether SO is wrong and its the reason why i feel like shit, or if there is any way i can enjoy the relationship without having all these obsessive thoughts.
Please help, advice, I am truly desperate.
TL;DR; : Thanks a lot for reading the long post, everyone who does gets my most deep hearted appreciation
Submitted July 31, 2020 at 08:02AM by sunlightsinmyface https://ift.tt/2Xbiq5i
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