We’ve been dating for a long time and sex was something that took him a long time to be “into” with me, and sex with him is very different from what I’m used to; he has never liked me making much noise or moving around a lot (being an enthusiastic partner) which I have kind of been trying kind of “un-program” myself from performing like.
Awhile ago, after a sex session that we were both really into I described feeling like I finally “understood what he wanted” and he joked back “haha no you could literally be a dead fish” which sent a huge blow to my self esteem and feeling of “being sexy” that I had finally built up with him. Since that session a few months ago I’ve felt like I’m “doing it wrong” whenever I get hot and heavy, and that takes me out of the sex and makes it unenjoyable for me.
Just now, we were cuddling and I made some joke completely unrelated to sex like “fine I’ll just hold my breath until I pass out then” and held my breath while he went “nooo nooo don’t die!” And poked and prodded me to get me to breathe, but when I kept stubbornly holding my breath, he got a really strong erection. Normally he does not get erections at all unless he is fantasizing or I am trying very hard to arouse him through various methods we’ve discovered works.
I tried joking about it but to be honest it scared the shit out of me. I’m so scared I’ll never be able to be this breathless sex doll that he seems to at least subconsciously want me to be, I’m scared of not being able to express myself or enjoy myself in sex without him losing arousal, and I feel overwhelmed and panicked that the person I want to spend my life with is one who I will never be able to share a deep sexual connection to.
We have a sex/couples therapist and we have been working with her for the whole time we’ve been sexually active (about a year), but I don’t see how her help is going to change what he really wants, and I don’t think I can ever be what he really wants.
I couldn’t hide my distress and when he asked me what’s wrong I told him I’m scared I’ll never be what he wants sexually, and his response was “you are what I want sexually, you’re the most sexually compatible person I’ve ever been with.” But that just seems to me like it’s sidestepping my fears. The conversation didn’t really continue and he went to work and now I’m here catastrophizing.
TL;DR : boyfriend seems to be most aroused when I’m non responsive, while we have “normal” sex, I can’t get out of my own head during it, thinking about how I am turning him off if I am enjoying it.
Submitted July 30, 2020 at 10:40AM by Uxcutecat https://ift.tt/3fmTzSx
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