I could really use some outside perspective on this, and will try my best to keep all the details as general & unbiased as possible.
Anna and I have been friends since we were 15. We became closer around age 26, and from that time til recently considered each other best friends. We also lived together for about a year and a half from 26/27, which was super awesome and definitely one of the best roommate experiences either of us have had.
At the beginning of June we decided to move in together again. Anna has always been the type to try to help if you're dealing with any kind of problem or personal issue; and in my opinion, she's always been very good and level-headed about this.
However, since we've moved in together, she's been (from my perspective) cornering me into incredibly long conversations where she tries to "help me." We both have some pretty big desires we're working toward, and these conversations always focus on me and how I'm, apparently, actively blocking myself from getting what I want.
These conversations are unwanted from my perspective, and instead of helping they end up making me feel worse. Here's typically how they'll go:
- She'll ask me how I'm feeling, followed by questions about whether I'm thinking from the perspective of the person I wish to be, and what mental exercises/affirmations I've been practicing.
- I will give an honest answer, and she will respond with (generally) "I'm getting a sense that you're actually feeling worse than you say you are. Also, you would never be thinking xyz if you were living from the perspective of the new you." I have explained that this makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid, or that she somehow knows more accurately than I do how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. She says that, yes, she does, because she can read my energy (apparently more accurately than I can feel it?).
- Thus begins a series of questions aimed at uncovering the "root" of my "mis-alignment"; followed by a one-sided conversation (she'll talk in a monologue for about 95% of it, it's very draining) attempting to get me in a better emotional state.
Sometimes these "conversations" will go on for literally 5 hours. I work for myself from home and she is currently unemployed; I often leave these conversations feeling like my entire day was wasted.
I have cut these conversations off and literally walked away - she gets very hurt and says it's like I'm slapping her in the face, and that I should see real friendship when it presents itself and she's just trying to help.
I have explained that I had my day planned out, and wanted to do things other than listen / feel worse for many hours on end; she says that my perception of "not having enough time" is an old construct and that these conversations are the most valuable use of my time.
Her argument as to why I feel worse after these conversations is that I have resistance to what she's saying, because a part of me knows she right and I won't let myself hear her. Even assuming she's coming from a place of genuinely trying to help, this feels like control/coercion ("I know THE truth; I am right about YOU; you don't really know how you're thinking or feeling").
Another aspect is that her communication style during these conversations is incredibly aggressive. She'll actively amplify / exaggerate my body language or my responses to her questions in a mocking, cruel way - saying she's doing so to help me "wake up" and realize how deluded I'm being. Even if she is trying to help, being around someone who is essentially yelling at you for hours on end (even if their words are perfectly nice, for example - it's the tone that registers emotionally) is jarring to any nervous system and puts you on edge. I've explained this to her and asked if she can simply speak in a nicer tone; she says that that's just how she communicates, and that me requesting that is trying to control her expression.
This all came to a head a couple days ago, when she started on her regular "so how are you feeling" line of questions. At this point, I feel immediately defensive whenever she asks because I know what's coming. I've been giving one- or two-word answers and quickly ending the conversation to go into another room whenever this happens.
She followed me and pressed about why I was being so defensive. I explained my perspective, as I have many times, and she said that "we wouldn't have a 5 hour long conversation if you were in a good feeling-state. It would be a pleasant, two or three sentences talking about how good it feels to get what you want. You're calling this forth from me, and you're the one who's wasting both our time."
I said I didn't want to talk about my feelings with her, and that any inner work I need to do is something I want to do on my own, for myself, in my own timing. I also expressed that if I did want to talk about my feelings, I would ask. She said there is no "later," that everything happens in the now and if I don't want to talk to her about my feelings in the now then I clearly don't get it (and that I won't make any progress, I'll stay "stuck" where I'm at forever, etc).
[She also said that I don't have to verbally ask; the fact that she can tell I'm in a "low state" is me asking, and I don't have to say the words. The interesting thing about this is that I perceive myself to be completely fine—going about my day in a genuinely good-feeling mood—before these conversations start. So again, this comes back to to her knowing better than I do how I feel? It's quite frustrating.]
I maintained my position to please refrain from asking me about my feelings; she said that feelings are the only thing she wants to talk about, ever. She ended with: "I'm happy to not speak to you ever, if it makes you feel bad. Do you want me to not speak to you?"
I said no, that's not what I want; what I want is to leave the topic of my feelings, my business, my inner work, alone. She said I was trying to control her, again by controlling her expression. It got to the point where I finally said, yes, then, don't speak to me.
So it's been like that for the past couple days now, and honestly - I feel soooooo relieved. Yes, it's a bit awkward walking around the house pretending as if the other doesn't exist - though I'm sure that will dissipate, if we keep this up.
So my question is: is there some perspective here that I'm not seeing? Is she secretly asking for help from ME and I'm just not getting it? Is there a solution other than to continue living together in silence and... letting that be the end of that friendship?
tl;dr: Roommate kept cornering me into long one-sided conversations about my feelings and how she knows more accurately "where I'm at" than I do; I asked for this to stop, she said I was trying to control her. Now we're not speaking. Am I missing something?
Submitted July 25, 2020 at 08:07PM by athenaxx https://ift.tt/3jFsFZk
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