My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now. We have a little boy together who just turned one this past month. It’s been wild to go through the experience of having our first child together during such a crazy time in the world. For us, though, there have been a higher than average number of traumatic events we’ve gone through together over the last few years. I won’t go into too much detail, but it’s been quite a few situations that have forced us to become very emotionally entwined with one another. In fact, it’s put us into the situation of basically being each other’s only support system.
The situation in question happened a few weeks ago. We had a few drinks more than usual one night and got into a tiff. I probably said some things that pushed some of his buttons. He retaliated by getting very mean about my weight. He has never mentioned my weight before because he knew it was always a huge(!!) insecurity of mine. He has known about my various eating disorder struggles my whole life. I would often self deprecatingly joke about how he could say anything to me when he was angry with me except for telling me I’m fat. I think I was very clear that was the one thing that would destroy me.
That being said, I am absolutely uncomfortable with how I look right now. The quarantine has not been kind to me attempting to get back to my pre-baby body. Eating is a comfort. I’m not working out besides some occasional yoga. I don’t disagree with him is my point. I know I could look better. For me, hearing him actually say it was such a huge break in our relationship. I haven’t been able to look at him the same way since.
Even worse, the next morning when he was sober, it’s almost like he took advantage of the situation having come up because he just doubled down on it all. He said the quarantine was a bad excuse. Other women who had children have gotten their bodies back way quicker than me. He asked me point blank if I thought I was overweight. He has never even given me a suggestion that my weight was an issue for him. I am not exaggerating when I say it broke my heart. It made me hate the way I look ten times more than I already did. I’ve had the stomachache that usually comes with a big breakup ever since. It truly felt like the end of our relationship. He even said he wasn’t sure we could recover from this. I just cried.
Now I’m struggling so much with even looking at myself in the mirror. I hate when he looks at me. I hate when he touches me. I feel so sick when he hugs me now because I can just feel how much space I’m taking up and I know for certain now that he’s thinking of it, too. I hate eating with him or in front of him because I can only imagine what he is thinking of me. I’m trying very hard to diet, but it’s difficult right now. Ordering out has become a big comfort after long days of quarantined baby tantrums. I’ve really thrown myself into it, though. Calorie counting apps, workout videos, broth replacing meals, etc. It’s become the only thing I can think about. Meanwhile he has mentioned his desire to GAIN weight, which falls to me cooking him more food. I’ve been making him weight gaining foods, pasta and high calorie meals, while abstaining and overall feeling an intense jealously.
I write this all because I can’t seem to get over the heartbreak and the loss of a relationship I feel like I can never get back to. I thought he truly understood and loved me in a way that he could see past a little extra weight. He couldn’t though. He saw me every day in the way I saw myself on my worst days. Now every day is my worst day. I can’t lose the weight fast enough, but I don’t anticipate feeling happy in the relationship in the way I was before. My sense of unconditional love is gone.
I don’t know what good even trying to talk about this is. I know where he stands and now I just have to try my best to become attractive to him again. I just feel so alone right now. Alone and unlovably ugly.
Tl;dr boyfriend broke his silence on how unattractive he finds me now, how to feel better about it?
Submitted July 27, 2020 at 12:32PM by grumpycat_rip https://ift.tt/2X2Ui4J
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