I was in a codependent, emotionally abusive relationship with a woman who was a drug user and as you can guess from the title, I was the enabler. It was the longest relationship I've had, and it ended in a sad and scary way. It was heartbreaking but I'm now in a place where my time, energy and safety are no longer compromised and I'd never want to change that.
She manipulated me at the beginning of the relationship in a way that made me feel super worthy at the time. Constantly speaking in superlatives, constant sex, even going out of the way to take me on a really romantic exotic vacation. Suddenly she'd flip a switch and become cold, distant and downright cruel which was really sad for me and I in turn, had to work extra hard in an unhealthy way to get to the "good place" again. I understand now that truly being in love with a person involves trust, sincerity, and healthy independence.
The issue is that I feel like I am ready to date now, but am very intimidated by women who have their shit together, which is horrible. Beautiful, accomplished, stable women who take care of themselves typically don't strategically "love bomb". So I always have doubts about them because they aren't professing their love and worshipping me from the outset, so I assume that they have serious doubts. In reality, they have a clear cut idea of how they want to be treated in the long term, but have their shit going on and don't have the time or energy for elaborate manipulation. So I'm afraid of getting hurt when they don't behave like my ex off the bat, and typically end things prematurely.
I should make clear that my ex doesn't possess any magical qualities that most of these women have, but she has a grip on me because her actions made me feel intensely at a time when I felt unwanted, and when things got bad I held on to the hope that it would reverse back to the euphoric times. Almost like being addicted to a person.
This is a horrible way to be and I have alienated a couple of amazing women out of my insecurity. I've talked about this in therapy and will continue to do so, but I want to speak with other people about it. Is being attached to the behaviors of an abusive person normal? Any advice would be appreciated.
Tldr; My unhealthy ex-relationship has given me certain expectations of what love is that most women don't need to or deserve to meet, and I'm confused why I feel this
Submitted July 28, 2020 at 10:17AM by ThrowRA_45609 https://ift.tt/3hPQZWN
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