Boyfriend 33m of 1 year screamed at me 31f over not being ready to have him stay the night with my kids in the house...

Hello! I'm looking for some advice please. For some background, like the title says, I have been seeing my boyfriend Jordan for 1 year. I'm divorced and have two kids, girls 6 and 7 years old, from my prior marriage. My number one priority has always been them and their comfort and adjustment to the split with their dad which was by all accounts very amicable and we are still friendly. I had been divorced and not living with their dad for a year and a half already when I met and started dating Jordan, so after a few months I started gradually mentioning my new friend, and I'd say around month 4 or 5 before he came to meet them. We've been having small meets and activities together maybe two times a month since then, I'm so paranoid about scarring them for life if they meet someone and it doesn't work out and that person disappears...I need some outside opinions about whether or not I'm being overprotective.

For some context, I am living with my parents who are highly conservative and religious and I think I may have let them color my thought process on this even though I'm not religious at all. I know they will never be okay with someone I'm not married to staying the night, yes I know I'm a grown ass adult but when I got divorced and had no job or money they took me in and gave me a roof and help watch my kids so I can work and go to school so it seems like the least I can do would be to respect their rules while I'm dependent on them.

I have 50/50 custody, so I spend the entire off week at Jordan's house and stay the night, basically living there when I'm not with my kids. He will come over on Saturday night to hang out with me and girls for a couple hours and then when they go to bed we have a little date night out and then he goes home, that's what we've been doing for months.

So now to last night: He came over a little earlier in the day to help me get some things done in the garage and we had a great day! We ordered in pizza, had drinks with my parents, got a bonfire going and made smores, basically the perfect idyllic day together. And my girls love him! He's fantastic with them, he works with kids and has a master's in social work so I can't understand what happened.

After they went to bed he was still pretty tipsy and I was a bit as well, but he started saying things like 'oh I'm probably going to stay over and pretend like I'm too drunk when it gets later' and I was not really comfortable with that. I'm not sure exactly what I said, but it came off completely insensitive like 'if you really are too drunk then of course' but it probably sounded like I didn't want him here.

To be honest, I was not ready for the girls to see me wake up with a new partner the morning after, and I was too uncomfortable because of my parents preferences. He got so hurt and started in on me, saying he's the only one who puts effort in (not true) and that he would just leave. We started arguing, and he was escalating but I was trying to figure out what was actually going on because none of what he was saying was making sense.

To my mind, I could not compromise. This is my children, I have to put their wellbeing first. I couldn't understand why he didn't understand that, since he works with children and their psychology day in and day out! He said he'd paid his dues already and nothing was ever enough for me, am I being too old fashioned? I very well may be, I might have been more open to it if I had been sober and able to discuss it properly... But either way, he said he would just leave and I asked him to stay so we could talk it out but he just kept escalating and saying he was going to leave so I said okay then.

He left, and about five minutes later calls me and starts yelling at me over the phone how it's obvious I don't love him because I let him leave? Apparently if I really loved him I wouldn't have let him leave and "fight for him". I said he was being irrational and hung up.

He calls again, and again, so I answered and he starts SCREAMING at me that I'm so cold, I don't love him, he doesn't understand how I could just "let him leave" and not "fight for him" like we're in middle school in a rom-com because apparently I'm supposed to fall to pieces and chase after him and beg him to stay. He has really serious abandonment issues, but I tried to explain that I am not responsible for him leaving and I don't appreciate games like that. I don't think I said it very well, because I was emotionally abused for years as a child and now during aggressive, explosive conflict I truly lose my ability to think and my mind goes blank as a trauma response. He knows this. I couldn't even tell you my name when I'm in that space.

He just kept going on and on and called me a bitch and how dare I not stop him and he probably shouldn't be driving...no one has ever spoken to me like that before in any of my relationships. All the others have been so understanding of my needs during arguments and we kept our voices calm and just discussed the issue like how I'm pretty sure rational adults are supposed to... At least according to my therapist.

I'm not sure if this is something I fucked up and started this fight by being too old fashioned or if he's starting to show his true colors...?

His last ex and he had big, screaming, days long fights and I am starting to see probably weren't all her doing. I know, I know, cliche up the behind there.

Tl;Dr : Boyfriend left in a rage and screamed at me for not "fighting for him" when he got mad and left an argument, red flag or did I really fuck up?

Submitted July 26, 2020 at 12:22PM by Adhd_whats_that1 https://ift.tt/2X05Dm9