My husband (28M) and I have been together for over four years, married for less than two months. We've always had a close relationship with his father and his new wife (husband's mother passed away several years ago). I've felt like they've been an extra set of parents to me, which has been wonderful since my relationship with my own parents has been quite dysfunctional, especially in my younger years.
FIL and wife stood by us when we lost our first pregnancy about halfway in - this is important for the story. I have a condition that makes it very hard to carry healthy children, and having come so far just to lose the baby was more than just heartbreaking - it broke my entire soul. I rushed into getting pregnant again without thinking, and succeeded on the second or third try, meaning I had the miscarriage during the summer but by Christmas, I was pregnant with our son already. The late loss scarred me and made my time as pregnant living hell - I was convinced I was going to lose him during the pregnancy as well. When that didn't happen, I was sure he was going to be stillborn. When that didn't happen, I was sure I'd lose him to SIDS. All that time being terrified and convinced my son was going to die made it really hard for me to bond with him, and I developed severe postpartum depression. Due to this, our pediatrician told my now-husband that he needed to cover for me wherever he could, both around the house and with the baby. My husband had no issue with this and loved bonding with the baby, so he happily took over many chores, without complaint. I felt really bad for not pulling my weight, but it did help a lot and slowly I started healing.
Fast forward to the present: I'm not fully recovered although our son is getting closer to his second birthday - I'm a lot better though. As usual, when the summer vacation started, we visited the inlaws for about a week. This was about three weeks after our wedding. I still had some work to do (I've been helping students over the summer) so while the rest of the gang was playing and soaking up in the sun, I stayed indoors a lot - mostly to work, but also to relax. Everything was fine, until the last night of our visit.
We had dinner, and my FIL got very drunk (as he usually does during dinner). He innocently suggested that my husband visit their cabin, to fish and relax. I thought it sounded wonderful and agreed - boy, does my husband deserve some me-time! - but we both said it would have to wait because we were leaving to go to my parents (to clarify - we live in town A, my in-laws live in town B, and my parents live in another country altogether) just two days after coming home from FIL and his wife. That's when the situation started escalating. He insisted it had to be done immediately. We started feeling a bit uncomfortable due to the persistence. Finally, he actually booked me and our son train tickets so my husband could take the car alone and just leave immediately. We finally asked what the rush was about, and that's when FIL exploded:
"Fine - you want me to be honest? I'll be completely honest. You [pointing at me] are driving your husband up the wall. I have to take charge. I'm the patriarch (yes, he actually said those words) and I'm in charge, and I say you have to let [husband] go. This is not working. If I don't step in now, God knows what's going to happen. You are a terrible wife. You can't do anything. You're crazy. You're a terrible mom - don't even think about trying for another child, because you can't even handle the one you have!"
His wife and my husband protested wildly, but he told his wife to shut up and told my husband he's weak. I just got up, left the table (crying), and shut myself in our guestroom. I didn't talk to him after that, but the wife followed me and said that they indeed had been worrying about how we split chores between us, but once I told her I had been diagnosed with postpartum, she just nodded and said that she by no means supported what her husband had told me. I didn't know they didn't know I had PPD. I'm pretty sure I had told them, but that's neither here nor there, I guess.
The morning after, FIL cornered me while we were scrambling to gather our things and get the hell out of there, and did not apologize, but instead said that he hoped that I wouldn't take this out on my husband. I had no words, so I just got in our car without telling him goodbye.
Since then, I've received a text message from him where he has acknowledged that he "behaved disrespectfully" and that he hopes I will forgive him for the sake of the family. I have not had it in me to respond. I asked my husband what he feels an ideal solution would be for him, and he's hoping that it'll get resolved so we can visit them again. I understand that and I wish I could promise him that, but I seriously feel like I never want to see my FIL again. Right now, I don't even want him to be around my son, both because of the obvious drunken outbursts, and also the more egocentric reason - I don't want my kid around someone who thinks I'm a bad parent and doesn't hesitate to say it out loud. BUT: I also do not want to make my kid a pawn in this game (that I didn't consent to play in the first place) and I don't want to be a sourpuss standing in the way of other people's relationships. I would never stop my husband from visiting his dad. I just don't think I'm ready, I don't know when or if I will be ready.
So, Reddit, please - what would be a good way of working this out? How do I step away from the utter humiliation I'm feeling right now? Should I suck it up and go back with a smile on my face for the sake of my family? Would it be unreasonable to condition our visits with, like, a strict no-alcohol-policy? What do I do?
TL;DR: My father in law shouted that I was a bad mother and wife because my husband has picked up doing chores around the house while I am recovering from PPD.
Edit to add a few key things:
- My husband is 100% behind me on this. He has not talked about our relationship with FIL and was just as shocked as me to hear what FIL really thought of me. He's not interested in hanging out with FIL for the foreseeable future.
- FIL has called my husband a few times since and offered to babysit as a gesture of goodwill so we can have some time alone - not sure how I feel about that - husband does think that just dropping off our kid and going away somewhere with me over the weekend would be nice.
- FIL has literally no insight in our daily routine at home, and based the outburst on me not being particularly engaging with anyone during our weeklong visit (husband thought it'd be fine for me to relax and do my work in peace since it was the first time in weeks I wasn't looking after our son 24/7 - husband works full time)
Submitted July 20, 2020 at 05:29AM by throwawaythewholeFIL https://ift.tt/2WxNBHN
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