We started seeing each other at the beginning of the year and met through a dating app. I fell for him rather quickly, though from the beginning I felt like maybe he hasn't put the past behind him. He very quickly mentioned that he feels awkward because he hasn't dated in years and hasn't had much physical contact due to his last relationship being long distance and fizzling out romantically. They broke up during the summer so not that much time had past.
He was mentioning her a bit more than I was comfortable while also saying things like he'd spent his recent birthdays alone. At one point he even said something like that his ex was his best friend.. Okay, I'd never dealt with someone who would not distance themselves from their ex after a breakup, at least for some time to re-define the relationship.
Eventually he asked me whether I'm still in contact with any of my exes and I told him I am civil with them but wouldn't say we're friends (occasional happy bday message and things like that). It turned out he was speaking to his ex on the phone weekly with text messages in between. I immediately had a huge sinking feeling and told him I'm not comfortable with that level of contact. At first I was quite shocked and honestly didn't know what to say so after thinking on it for a bit I decided to let him know I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who considers their ex a close friend and that I feel like he should at least have a no-contact period of a few months before considering her a friend. He agreed with me and said he would do as I say. A few days later I saw that she was his top contact on WhatsApp still but I decided to let it go, seeing as maybe he hasn't had a chance to let her know.
He didn't followup on the issue so a month later I decided to bring it up again since it seemed like they were still texting each other. This time he actually told her that they are not to speak for a few months and she blocked him on Instagram after the message (and changed her username) but I felt so mislead and that he didn't respect my values enough to be honest about his own views. As such I didn't get a choice as to whether this is a situation I was to be a part of. If not for him agreeing to cease contact for a while I probably wouldn't have continued seeing him. At this point I'm too attached to just walk away so want to try and make things work.
I thought things were settled and that was it but 3 months later she messages him to ask advice about something. I agree for him to text her back in case it's something important but she ends up asking for a phone call even though he said he would prefer to text. She stops replying after that apparently. Which is all fine with me.
Then a few days later she calls him out of the blue, even though he clearly told her no phone calls. She'd had a bad job interview and seemed to be looking for emotional support rather than professional advice which I thought was dysrespectful to our relationship and intrusive. He didn't carry on talking to her but I feel like she has crossed a boundary and given what happened before I said I would prefer him to block her number. He disagrees with cutting people off and wants to be able to help her, now we're stuck at a bit of an impasse with what to do. I told him I'd try to work with it but we've both been feeling shitty about the situation and not knowing what to do.
I don't like telling people what to do and honestly wish he would do the right thing of his own volition.
Any advice or insight appreciated. We've been staying together since the whole covid things went down btw.
Tldr: told my bf at the beginning of our relationship I'm not willing to be in a relationship with someone with close friendships with exes, he agreed it would be best to cease contact with her. Turned out he didn't do what he said and she is still causing us problems few months down the line
Edit:sorry they were technically together 8 years not 9 if it makes any difference
Submitted July 23, 2020 at 08:26AM by laeriel_c https://ift.tt/3hytKAn
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