Okay, going to sum up as much as I can to not waste time and explain things succinctly.
tldr at the bottom!
I have been with "V" for 3 years, and compared to the relationships I've had before this one is a match made in heaven. He is caring, sensitive, hilarious, and quite smart (in a textbook manner). We were friends for a good bit before we started dating and I had practically prayed to every God imaginable just to be able to touch him one day. He has never abused me the way I have been before and literally takes care of everything I need. I cannot imagine being with anyone else, and I don't want to be with anyone else if I can help it! We both have some mental health issues, mine being that I have hereditary depression and anxiety and him being alike or the same way but never has been diagnosed.
Since the dark cloud of covid-19 has come about, we have been kind of stuck in the same room together every day since around May. We live with roommates and we both are a little anti-social and try to avoid contact with them. What I've realized is that I feel a real horrible, creeping disgust of this amazing human being that I love and want to see succeed in every way imaginable. The flaws he exhibits are not horrible and I'm not perfect at all. Yet, I feel horrible being near him now. Is it because we've been holed in one room for 3 months with absolutely nothing to do? Or is something else amiss?
To give a little more background, my boyfriend is a bit of a sub. I know this shouldn't mean anything, but he is really just into me doing everything for him. He's very shy, very quiet and prefers my company to anyone else in his whole life. On the other hand, I love having friends, love being around new people but I never lose interest in him when I'm with these people. At the beginning of May, I went to a "social-distance" (yes, it was stupid and i shouldn't have gone but after that i didn't leave my house) get together with some friends - He seemed really hurt that I was going out to receive social interaction and whined a little bit about it but I went because it didn't seem that big of a deal. When I got home he was excited to see me and kind of admitted that he could live with me and only me for the rest of his life and wouldn't mind it. It scared me because I have never felt this way and thought there was something wrong with me for wanting social interaction outside of my boyfriend - I also felt grossed out because of how """clingy""" he was acting and how it kind of felt like he was guilting me a tiny bit for going out.
Now, it's July and sometimes I wake up and I get angry or frustrated just looking at him. I feel like I've even lost a tiny bit of sexual interest in him because for some reason, I keep having sex dreams about a young Robert De Niro (taxi driver ...). I felt sad about these dreams because they were the opposite of what happens in our experiences. I feel embarrassed as well because these dreams happen almost every night, and they are kind of misogynist. To quickly explain, it's bordering non consensual, and the type of men in my sex dreams are a bit more "masculine" than my boyfriend. It makes me feel horrible because I hate the idea of archaic ways of life ruling my sexual feelings, but I feel like that is also because my brain was ruined by porn at a formative age. I don't know how to stop wanting to play out these weird muscular, toned fantasies of men when I myself am not even that good looking. It feels so ungrateful of me and wrong to be having these dreams so I feel even more guilty.
We have had a talk recently about the dreams and he told me not to worry and that he said it was natural. But I feel disgusted in general because why should I be having dreams about some man from a by-gone era when I have a boyfriend who loves me right there? To also add, I moved from my hometown to be with him last year, this is a whole year that we've been together face to face everyday in our three years of dating. I don't have any friends here except for his friends, and I don't have any family here. I know I should probably see a therapist but I'm poor and uh, not willing to risk covid-19 for someone to tell me I'm crazy.
At this point, Im not sure what I'm asking for in words of advice ... but please, if you have any encouraging words let me know. I truly love this dude.
TLDR; I am suddenly disgusted by my boyfriend of three years because he's a bit """clingy""" and the fact that we've been holed up together for the past few months.
edit: i realize i said we are both anti-social and then in turn said i love being around people, our roommates are kinda weird so we just shy away from them together. sorry!
EDIT X2: just had a great discussion with "V". sometimes, it's all that needs to happen to realize what's going on. thanks for helping everyone.
Submitted July 21, 2020 at 02:31PM by gaztlyGG https://ift.tt/3jrzFsD
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