My husband and I have been married a little over a year. Before we got married, it just seemed like he had poor time management skills. But now that we're married and we live together, it seems like at best he has poor time management skills and at worst he just doesn't want to be around me.
I'll start by saying that I don't need to know exactly where my husband is every second of every day but that I would appreciate knowing like a loose itinerary of his plans for the day/night - what he's doing, about what time he'll be home, call/text if anything changes. At first, he would give me his plans but then he'd never stick to them. It's gotten to the point where he won't give me his plans and when I asked why he said "Because then you expect me to stick to them and you get mad when I don't."
I guess I'll give an example of how this typically goes. (He does home renovations with another guy.) He'll go to work and he tells me that he'll be done around 4. By 5, I haven't heard from him so I text him and he says that he's gone to grab some pizza with the guy he works with, they're just finishing up, he's leaving in ten minutes. Now it's 7, still no sign of husband. I call and he says that after pizza they went to Home Depot to get some supplies for the next day and while they're there they get talking to someone they know and he's lost track of time but he's leaving soon. Now it's 8, he's still not home. I call again, he's at a friend's house watching a hockey game.
This is where the disagreement starts. By this time, I'm mad because he said he was coming home "around four" but now it's four hours later and he's still not home. I'm mad that I have to keep calling and asking where he is and that he can't just text or call to say "hey, grabbing pizza after work!" or something. He's mad that I keep calling to find out where he is and views this as controlling and almost always by this point he says "I NEVER bother you when you're out with your friends, but no you keep calling and won't let me have a good time." My answer to that is that I tell him in advance what my plans are and that's not even why I'm mad.
Another layer to this is that we're on a really tight budget and for the most part have given up on going out so I'm frustrated that a) by going for pizza and driving all over he's spending money that we don't really have and b) that if he really wants to go out, why can't we do something together with the little money we have?
The times that we have managed to have the "well why didn't you text/call when your plans changed?" conversation, he always has an excuse. "My phone was in the car charging" or "I was busy talking to someone." Like, I don't think it would be that rude to say, "Excuse me, let me text my wife real quick."
Every time we try to have this conversation, I try to emphasize that I'm mad that he doesn't communicate with me. But he just says that I'm being controlling and if I try to explain my point again, he says that I'm just repeating myself and we're going in circles.
TLDR: My husband things that plans are a flexible thing and I don't so when he changes his plans on a whim and then I call to see where he is, he says that I'm being controlling.
- Am I being too controlling? Is checking in once an hour after a time that he said he'd be home too much?
- I'm really not good with translating feelings to words. It took me nearly two hours to type this. Are there other ways I could explain the issue to him that might make more sense to him?
- Has anybody else dealt with anything similar? How did you handle it?
Submitted March 06, 2020 at 06:11PM by throwawaytrash240 https://ift.tt/3aAMtHX
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