This is so hard to say outloud (even anonymously), but I think I am abusive to my boyfriend. I desperately need to change. I've sat down and asked him so many times if he thinks I treat him bad or am abusive, to which he always says no. But I still think I am. The way I treat him when I'm angry is not right. Any time I feel unloved, unrespected, and unappreciated I lose compassion and I turn things into being all about me. I get defensive and am ready to attack, instead of working on finding a solution together and with love. When I'm upset I can be manipulative, mean, explosive, controlling, and most of all, selfish. I have tried to break up with him over this many times because I feel like I don't treat him good enough and I often spiral into shame and self hatred for how I treat him, but he always assures me he loves me, that I bring so much joy to his life and that I can't make these decisions for him.
This is not an excuse, AT ALL, but my dad was pretty abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) during my childhood and when I'm triggered I act like a really tame version of him, which disturbs me. I have so much pain over how he treated me, why would I ever inflict that on somebody I love? I have managed to change a lot through our relationship, and I've gotten a lot better. But it's still not enough. I love him so much and he doesn't deserve any of this. He's hands down the sweetest human being on the planet.
I can't afford therapy as I barely make enough to scrape by (specially now that I've been laid off due to covid). Have any of you gotten through this on your own? I need to learn how to not see things so black and white, to trust that he loves me and isn't out to hurt me, to calm my anger and mistrust, and to learn to see his points of view with more compassion. I don't want to lose him but I'm so close to breaking up with him so that he can find someone better. I just really want to be that better person for him.
tl;dr: not a good girlfriend but I want to learn how to be less reactive and how to control my emotions better. Does anybody have their own personal story they can share of how they got better, or have any advice on how I can?
Submitted March 30, 2020 at 12:07AM by ineedtochange12345 https://ift.tt/2w229Fy
No comments:
Post a Comment