I (29F) found a secret hurtful list of cons my boyfriend(29M) of 10 years wrote about me and it confirmed some of my insecurities. What do I do?

I (29F) have been in a relationship (29M) for 10 years and we both are able to support ourselves financially. We fight sometimes because of my insecurities which first developed from when he cheated 9 years ago and broke up with me to hook up with other women at various periods a few years after that because "we were each other's first partners and needed to explore." At some point, when he realized that I was definitely moving on (we kept in touch and hooked up here and there), he wanted to try dating again. I accepted and have made progress on trusting him again.

Today, we are exclusive again (going on 1 year), but I definitely still have insecurities that he might thinks he can do better or that I'm not pretty enough (I do recognize this as shallow). I would often have a hunch at something, listen to my intuition and confront him about it, only to be told that I am crazy and being irrational and that I shouldn't worry so much because he loves me. Whenever I've been strong enough to walk away, he always pours love at me and is apologetic and I go back to thinking that I'm the sensitive one that is starting fights for no reason.

However, yesterday I found a list of pros and cons that he wrote about me. The pros were mostly around how I treated him well and nothing really about me as a person. However, the cons really broke me because they confirmed the aforementioned suspicions that I had all along. Although, I don't know how to recover from this, I do feel a bit relieved to at least know that my insecurities are justified versus questioning my own reality and believing that I was the crazy, overly sensitive, and emotional one that cause this relationship to be tumultuous these past 9 years.

I approached him about the cons:

• “Doesn’t look like the wife I imagined, perhaps less attractive than I hoped”
• “Concerns for how my kids would turn out physically and mentally” - clarified and he was actually talking about how he thought he would always have a white wife growing up because he's white and I'm Asian. I never in a million years thought that he would have said this. I said that this was racist and he said that maybe slightly but it's natural for humans to want offsprings that looked like themselves. I told him that rude because mix raced babies can still look like both their parents and there's nothing wrong with the appearance of kids just as long as they are thoughtful and kind. They could also be adopted. This can be a topic on it's own
• “I perceive her as weak, immature and naive”
• “Parts of me think that I could find someone better”
• “Intellectually it feels like we are on different levels”
• “I know if I give [her] 100% we could be happy, but a part of me is unsatisfied...because I have high expectations”

He responded by getting mad that I invaded his privacy and I told him to move out because I felt like our relationship and his pros/cons list was very shallow and immature. Because of the COVID-19 situation, he said he needed an extra day or two to figure out logistics, but has become loving today and told me that he wants to make it work. He says that he can't help his thoughts and that he was just being honest to weigh things because he's naturally doubtful and a contrarian and will have these thoughts with anyone. He says I need to forgive and trust that him and trust that these truths are "just partially true."

I told him it is hurtful that he felt all this after 10 years. I'm a human being that has always been loving towards him. That I'm not an object to be compared against these stereotypical factors. I'm not a tinder profile. I'm a person and I feel like these are things that I would never even think about regarding him. Am I being unrealistic? Should I be the more sympathetic because I invaded his privacy and these are his secret honest thoughts, even if they are hurtful and dark?

tl;dr: I found a secret hurtful list of cons my boyfriend of 10 years wrote about me and it confirmed some of my insecurities. What do I do?

Submitted March 26, 2020 at 08:01PM by helveticalife https://ift.tt/3bxqAdc