My [F21] husband [M21] wants me to give up my dream of a PhD to be a SAHM. He also wants to get rid of my dog. Should we divorce?

My husband and I have been married for a little less than a year. We have no kids. We married young, but that is very normal in my family. We have lived together for three years. I am still very much in love - although he gets on my nerves sometimes I absolutely adore him and thinking about divorce has been really hard for me. Sorry in advance that this will be so long. I really, desperately need advice.

Years ago, we both agreed that someday we would have a big family and I would be a SAHM. But I'm in my third year of college now, and I've started to realize that the SAHM life really isnt for me. I like to work, I hate to be cooped up all day. I discovered I'm talented in my field, but more importantly, I discovered that I LOVE my field. I cant imagine my life without it anymore. I want to get a PhD and work in academia, and the faculty in my department have been encouraging me to do it. Well, my husband is very displeased about this change of plans. Which is understandable because I did tell him in the past that I would be a SAHM.

My plans started changing a little over a year ago when my husband stopped working. He was working as an electricians assistant and couldnt handle it, so he quit. I said it was fine and I could financially support us (while still a full time student) for a while as long as he looked for a new job. Well, he stopped looking for a job, so I told him it was ok as long as he went to school. Then he dropped all his classes (and lied about it, but I eventually figured it out) - I told him that was ok as long as he kept the apartment clean. Well, he kept saying he would do chores but he never did. So while he played video games all day, I worked, went to school, and did most of the cleaning. He took care of our dog, at least, which was nice, but I grew to resent him for being so unreliable. I also came to realize that I needed a backup career plan other than SAHM in case he never ended up getting his shit together. So I threw myself into my studies, got a job in my department (I had two jobs for a while but eventually quit my second job), and started getting really emotionally invested in a career in my field. I shared these plans with my husband, and he wasnt super thrilled but he went along with it because it wasnt like he had any plans of his own.

That brings me to this semester, Spring 2020. My husband is back in school, in a new field. He is actually doing pretty well and likes his classes. He suddenly has a career plan again. Great! I continue on as normal. I go to school, do the chores, and make all the money while planning for my future career. He goes to school, takes care of the dog, and plays video games for the rest of the day. He even got hired for a part time weekend job, although he hasnt started yet. I sort of just implicitly assumed we would both end up working and that the SAHM plans were behind us. But the other day we had an argument about it. He told me I said I would be a SAHM when we got married and that I needed to honor that commitment. Shit! I really didnt know what to say. (AITA?) I had to plan for a career when he was a neet for a year and I got really really invested in my plans. I just cant imagine being a SAHM anymore. This argument fizzled out but never really got resolved.

Theres been other fights too. Remember how I said my husband has been taking care of our dog? Last week Friday he sent me a furious rant on facebook while I was with friends saying that he would divorce me if I didnt get rid of "my" dog. What?? First I asked what he meant by "my" dog, when we adopted her together and she has always been "our" dog. He said she is "my" dog because he wouldn't have her if it werent for me - if I wouldn't protest, he would have no problem dumping her in the woods or shooting her in a field (his words). I love her to pieces, and she absolutely adores my husband, so this hurt me a lot. When I made it clear that I wasnt going to get rid of the dog, he changed the ultimatum and said he would divorce me unless I took over 100% of the responsibility for taking care of her. I understand his frustration with our dog recently, because she got spayed last week and had her activity severely limited, so she has been loud and destructive and annoying for the past several days. But it is hard for me to do all of her walks every day when I work 30 hours a week and go to school. And helping take care of the dog has been pretty much the ONLY thing he has been contributing to the relationship.

Then he started arguing about my career plans. He said academia was an intellectual circlejerk and I was only in it to feel smart, and I'm selfish to want to spend time at a university instead of with my own (future) kids. I really didnt know what to say. I'm not 100% confident he is wrong. But my work has been making me feel really happy and confident and fulfilled and I just cant imagine life without it anymore. He told me theres no reason I cant do research in my field (a humanities field that requires very little resources) while being a stay at home mom. He says I could write articles, keep a blog, etc. while staying at home and watching kids. I guess that is true but it just wouldn't be the same. I cant tell whether I'm being pretentious and unreasonable, or whether my desire for a career is legitimate and worthy of destroying my marriage.

All my friends want me to leave my husband. They say he is an asshole. My husband, in turn, says that my friends are all losers and/or assholes. I dont know who to believe. I really and truly love my husband with all my heart. I am just as in love with him as I was when we first got together in high school years ago. But I'm starting to feel like he is taking advantage of me. And I'm afraid of throwing away my dreams for him. Any advice is needed and deeply appreciated.

Tl;dr: when me and my husband got together, I agreed to be a SAHM (though we dont have kids yet). But after he was a neet for a year, I made plans to get a PhD, and now that he has his shit together again he wants me to give up those plans. But I'm emotionally invested in my career now. He also refuses to contribute at home and tried to pressure me into getting rid of my dog. Should we divorce?

Submitted February 10, 2020 at 07:03PM by sbcsalt https://ift.tt/2tMULNb