Hello Reddit, so I’m (27F) trying to navigate a complex situation in my family. Names have been changed. This is a throwaway account, and first time posting on Reddit.
My niece, Gail (now 16F), got pregnant last year at 15 years old. The last time I saw her was at a family event last year and everyone was kept in the dark about it except for her parents (both late 30’s-early 40’s) and the father of her child and his family. Since that family event, no one has seen her. At other family events, only her mother would show up and I didn’t think much of it. Gail’s parents are divorced and communicate through their lawyers, and Gail stays with her mom to attend school and then stays with her father on weekends in a different city that’s an hour or two away. Months go by and I was told by a family member that Gail just gave birth. I was shocked, disappointed, and upset. After accepting what happened, I wanted to reach out and offer her help. I ran into her mother while running errands and spoke to her. Not once did she bring up about her daughter having a baby until I mentioned it. My entire family had known about it at that point, so I thought it was unusual. I offered to help with Gail since her mother mentioned Gail wants to go to college and her mother said okay. But I didn’t hear anything more.
I managed to get in touch with Gail’s father and I was filled in on what was going on. After going through all options while she was pregnant, she decided to keep the baby. It was agreed that the best thing for her was for her to stay in her current school as to not disrupt her studies, stay close to her support system, and stay close to the father of child and his family. However, her mother has been humiliated since Gail’s pregnancy and has been horrible to Gail. I believe she was hiding Gail away to hide her pregnancy until she couldn’t anymore and even then, the mother wouldn’t really talk about it. The thing with my family is that appearances are everything to them, so her teenage daughter having a baby is a huge blow to her image. Due to their constant arguing, Gail lost her motivation to do well in school and is skipping class.
The fighting has gotten so bad, a lawyer contacted the father to ask if Gail can stay with him in the meantime. The father is trying to suggest counselling for the family, but I doubt the mother will accept. Gail was fine while staying with her father, but problems start when she has to go back to stay with her mother to attend school. Gail is currently in therapy. Gail and the father of her child aren’t together anymore and now she is seeing someone new. I was also told she isn’t taking care of the baby, but it wasn’t clear by what Gail’s father meant by that.
I also spoke with Gail herself and see what she saw for her future. What I got from the conversation is that she is so lost. She didn’t even tell me that she had a baby until I told her I knew. Gail said that she was reluctant to tell me because she was told that when I found out she had a baby, I cried and she felt horrible for upsetting me. I was upset at this and told her, “I was disappointed, but I promise I didn’t cry, it wasn’t true. I don’t know who told you that, but someone lied.” I’m upset that I’m being used to make Gail feel horrible for what’s already a tough situation. I suspect it was her mom that told her that.
I offered to meet Gail in person to just talk in a few weeks but I’m not sure what to talk her about. I want for her to feel that she has support from at least one family member, have hope, and that being a teen mom isn’t the end of the world for her. She’s not a bad person, just so lost and overwhelmed. What do I talk to her about? What questions do I ask Gail? How do I navigate this future conversation?
TL;DR My niece is a teen mom. Her parents are divorced but have split custody and communicate through lawyers. She mainly stays with her mother to attend school, and then stays with her father on weekends. Her father is trying to be supportive, but her mother is causing a lot of problems by getting into bad arguments with my niece due to the shame. My niece lost motivation to do well in school. I will be meeting her to talk to her. How do I navigate the conversation with my niece? What can I do for provide support?
Submitted October 27, 2018 at 06:04AM by NeatSquirrel8 https://ift.tt/2OTaGmx
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