Hey everyone. I'm sorry if this is long. I've been very distraught since finding out.
A little information about us, if it's useful, before I get to the story: We've been married for 12 years. We have 2 children together. He is my soul mate, my best friend. And I'm not just saying that. We were (are?) perfect for each other, and he tells me often how lucky he is and how I'm his best friend. We hardly ever fight. It felt... right. Just being with him. It was always enough.
My husband works from home a lot, but he also travels a lot. He'll spend a week in New York, be home for a week, spend a week in San Francisco, come home for a week, go to London for two days, come home, etc. I've mostly been okay with his traveling. Sometimes I get lonely, but it's mostly because I miss him. He does his best to call me or video chat with me every day he's gone. I am a stay at home mom.
Nothing had changed between us, but I had this strange feeling that something was going on. I came home from the store two days ago and he had left his personal cell phone on the counter while he was taking a call on his work phone in his office. I don't know why I did it, there's no good explanation, but I just had a feeling. Maybe it's what happens when you know someone so deeply and intimately, you know when something is wrong. So, I looked at his phone. His texts were fine, nothing there. But I opened his recent apps and saw a Twitter conversation with an old coworker (my husband got a new job earlier this year, she is from his old place of work). It was basically them making plans to see each other again. He does hang out with a lot of people from his old work because he was close to them, and it's never been an issue. But he said these words: Do you want to stay with me, or will that be weird? And went on to talk about where his hotel would be. The conversation was actually happening as I was reading them.
I took a screen shot of everything, and texted it to myself, and then I texted it to him and waited for him to be done with his call. When he came out of his office I asked him if he was cheating on me, and he said yes. He slept with her once, two months ago. He was out drinking with his coworkers. He went back to his hotel. He sent her a message asking her to meet him at the hotel bar, and she did. Then they had sex. To his benefit, if that's even fair to say, he was very honest with me regardless of how hurt I was. This was the only time it had happened, but yes, they were planning on seeing each other again. I should also mention that I was recovering from a hysterectomy at the time. I don't even want to say that because I know that fact makes it so much worse. My surgery was back in July. He cheated on me in September. I was having a super rough patch - an emergency surgery in August because my internal stitches started hemorrhaging. I was having panic attacks daily. I wouldn't talk to him, I kept thinking I would die, and I was in this big black cloud of depression.
I know that under most circumstances a woman would leave right then and there. I've been trying to figure out my feelings between moments of sobbing uncontrollably, screaming at him, hating him, and thinking of all the times we've had together and how the future will be ruined from here on out, no matter what decision I come to. He is not an emotional person, but he cried with me. He didn't get angry when I hit him because the pain of everything was too overwhelming. He knows he fucked up. And he feels a deep regret for what he did. That I don't question. I can see it on his face. He isn't eating. He can't sleep. He will look at me and cry.
He has always been under an extreme amount of stress, and he has deep anger issues (that he never takes out on me, but you can tell in moments that it's there, like when he gets overwhelmed by every little thing), and maybe he needed to be someone else for a while. I don't know. He says it didn't feel like him. That it felt like it wasn't him that was doing it.
Maybe, as humans, we don't always understand what our actions mean until we see what damage they've done. Once we see that pain it makes it real, and we never want to experience it again. Maybe the stress of my surgery and my reaction afterwards was too much for him to handle? I don't know. His dad cheated on his mom when she was diagnosed with cancer. My dad cheated on my mom when she was diagnosed with severe Crohns. Maybe this is what men do. I don't know. And these are not excuses for his behavior, because there is no excuse for what he has done. At all. They're just... I don't know. Thoughts. Nothing makes sense.
It is so easy to give in to the immediate reaction of hate and disgust, and it can be easy when you're hurting to forget that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. But are there some mistakes that can never heal? I don't know.
I guess what I'm looking for is a neutral opinion. I have only told my two closest friends and it's hard to get guidance from people who love me, because they hurt along with me. If that makes sense.
Have any of you been through something like this before? Do you know how to let go of your soul mate, and move on? And if I don't leave him, will it ever be possible to move past what happened? Is it stupid to want to make it work? Or it is selfish because I know how much I love him and how I will miss what we had? It's hard. I don't know how else to phrase it, except it feels like I'm being mentally tortured. For every point I can think of in one direction, I can think of a counter-point to it. Any guidance here is greatly appreciated.
tl;dr: husband and I have been married 12 years with a seemingly perfect relationship, but I found out he slept with another woman. is it dumb to want to stay? or is there no coming back from this?
Submitted October 31, 2018 at 12:45PM by radioactivemeow https://ift.tt/2EWkveV
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