A friend [28M] tried to surprise me [27F] with a birthday present and it backfired hard. What do I even say to him?

Alright so this happened last night and I'm still kind of reeling. I'm going to try and break down this sequence of events as concisely as possible because otherwise we'll be here all day, but if anyone needs clarification on anything just ask and I'll do my best.

• Last night at 9PM someone rings the doorbell. I'm not expecting guests and my two roommates [30s M/F] are asleep so I ignore it. Doorbell rings again so I go to check through the peep hole. It's pitch black outside and our porch light isn't on so all I can see is a vaguely dude shaped outline, but he looks big. Decide I'm not answering that while I'm the only person downstairs.

• Man outside continues to knock and ring doorbell. It's been ten minutes and by the 4th ring I'm getting antsy. Roommates have been woken up by the noise, I tell them what's going on. Man rings 3 more times and the knocking is getting more aggressive. Male roomie opts to call the police at this point since we have no idea who this is or why they're being so insistent.

• We wait ten more minutes for police to arrive. It's been nearly half an hour since this started and our mystery visitor continues to knock and ring the bell throughout. Then female roomie gets a text on her phone from a mutual friend of ours asking "Is everything alright? I'm trying to drop off OP's birthday present."

• Sure enough I open the door and there's Bob (mutual friend) standing there looking incredibly confused. I proceed to tell him he's scared the absolute heck out of me. For reference Bob and I have not been in contact for nearly four months after I had to drop the meetup we were both part of. He hadn't even left a happy birthday message on my facebook timeline, I'd figured the friendship had largely fizzled out. I certainly wasn't expecting him to show up on my doorstep unannounced on a Monday night.

• While I'm trying to figure out what he was thinking (apparently he'd wanted it to be a nice surprise gift and this was the absolute earliest he could swing by) the police finally arrive and we have to explain what happened to two vaguely amused police officers who give him a lecture about visit etiquette and send him on his way.

FAQ (from friends I've talked to about this)

Q: Why didn't you call out through the door? A: Our front door is a solid oak slab surrounded by equally solid stone walls, there's no window or pane of thinner material that lets sound carry. I could scream bloody murder and no one outside would hear it.

Q: Why didn't older male roommate open the door once everyone was up?

A: By that point knocking/ringing had increased in frequency and intensity and none of us felt like it was safe. The three possibilities that presented themselves were that this was a drunk guy who had the wrong house, an abusive ex boyfriend of female roomie, or someone less than all there mentally.

Q: Does Bob have a crush on you?

A: This question came up surprisingly often but yes Bob had asked me out shortly after we first met, but I declined. I've since gotten engaged to a lovely woman. I don't know if romantic feeling was what motivated a surprise late night birthday visit after four months of radio silence but I guess I wouldn't rule it out.

Q: Why did Bob keep it up for nearly half an hour instead of calling or texting after the third unanswered ring?

A: Bob is Autistic, this would be far from the first time he's been clueless about social niceties and he said as much when asked by the police. It didn't occur to him that someone who keeps ringing your doorbell after not getting an answer would be in any way unsettling to the inhabitants. He also thought we could see it was him (we could not).

Q: Has Bob ever shown up unannounced before at a place you were and/or otherwise been inappropriate with you?

A: Not at all, that's part of why he wasn't even in the top 50 people I would have guessed while we were trying to figure out who it was.

The Question: Bob wants to apologize, he's texted asking if we can meet up so he can do it in person. I don't know how to respond, or even if I should respond. I don't know if I'm even mad at him it's more like the idea of trying to explain why three knocks/rings is just right but 15+ is kind of frightening is exhausting. I know it would take more than one try before he got it. I know he's sorry he upset me but doesn't really understand why I was upset, and the prospect of trying to unpack all the layers to this wears me out just thinking about it.

I guess should I bother meeting up with him? Would it do any good? I'm not actually looking to rekindle the friendship, but I understand this was a well-intentioned gesture with abysmally poor execution and on some level getting coffee to smooth things over sounds nice. Like a physical gesture of putting it behind us. But part of me also feels like giving him a firm "no thanks" and resuming radio silence is the least stressful option. It also feels kind of mean.

TL;DR: A friend I hadn't spoken to in four months shows up at my door with a surprise birthday present. Problem is I didn't know it was him and he spent 30 minutes ringing the bell and knocking on the door trying to get someone to open it until police showed up. Now he wants to apologize but I kind of just want to go back to not talking. Is it better to let him get it out or tell him thanks but no thanks?

Submitted October 30, 2018 at 01:06PM by professor_sage https://ift.tt/2RpIYui