I (35/f) really need advice. I think my professor/potential PhD supervisor (mid-40s/m) hates me, and I really don't know what I did wrong. We had a really wonderful (but short-lived) chemistry, and now you can cut a swatch through the tension between us.

I'm a first-year PhD student. I've only been at my university for a few weeks, and I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into these subconscious/body language signs from a faculty member in my department who I'd actually really like to supervise my Phd. But I think he doesn't like me. This is why:

Our first couple of interactions, he was incredibly kind and friendly towards me. I spent nearly a decade living in the country where he was born, and we come from the same ethnic background. My research is focused on this experience. I have been sitting in on one of his graduate classes, and we've had a few really casual interactions. On one of these occasions, he was happily running late for a train he had to catch when we ran into each-other and got caught up in conversation. On another occasion, he brought over a bottle of wine and sat down with me during an informal gathering of faculty and students one evening.

Our first real conversation (previously just brief run-ins, and he seemed very interested in knowing more about me) was over a very long and spontaneous walk together. I felt like we actually really had a nice chemistry. I felt like I was speaking to a friend, and we had a lot of shared experience. He even walked close enough to me that he could comfortably grab my arm when he wanted to emphasize something he was saying, and he was smiling and so genuinely candid with me. I don't know if this is relevant, but he's also only about ten years older than me in his mid-forties. So we had a really nice rapport.

And then it was like night and day. The next time I saw him after our walk together, I don't know how else to describe it except that it was as though he had put up an enormous wall. When I spoke to him, he was watching me analytically instead of with the curiosity he'd had before. The way he spoke was brief and curt. It felt really uncomfortable, because the warmth he'd had was gone and I just began to feel very uncertain if I had done something wrong. It was a drastic change.

To other students and faculty, everyone describes him as being so kind and funny and charming and way too smart and maybe also very confident and self-assured. His graduate students adore him, because he's so generous towards them and understanding. He's very passionate in his teaching, and he curses and he's defiant and politically incorrect.

But suddenly with me, he became none of these things. In class when he addressed his students, he smiles and says their names and makes jokes with them. But towards me, his face becomes so serious now and the thing that really struck me is that he won't say my name.

He knows I'd like for him to be on my supervisory team, but in his office he outright told me (when I hadn't even asked) that he doesn't think he'd be right for me. He had few words, and it was as if he just really wanted me to leave. He's not by any means hostile, and he was still gracious enough to offer some thoughts and guidance on my research. But the change in his approach and tone and demeanor towards me has been so severe.

Still, I've tried the best I can to just carry on and behave towards him as though none of this is actually happening.

Then yesterday morning, I received an email from him. It was very brief, a link to a book that he thought would be helpful. We have a break this week, and so I thought it was very nice of him to take the time to even think to send this along to me. But what was strange about the email was that unlike his initial emails before all of this that always began with warm greetings and even greetings in our native language, in this one there was no greeting - and he didn't even address me by name. So for example, prior to all of this usually he would write to me something like: "Dear Jane ... Warmest, John." But this email had no greeting, and no sign off. It simply read, "I think this might be helpful."

So thinking that maybe it's just been me, I responded very candidly. I apologized for not getting back to him sooner, and told him a quick story about how a few of us (students) had been caught out in a downpour. Something to lighten the tone of the email, and in general I hate sounding overly formal in emails. I introduced an idea I had about my research, and asked him if we could talk about it sometime. It was all very light.

And then this morning he responded: still didn't address me by name, still no sign-off. He wrote two brief sentences about how I can think about this new idea in my research. No mention of talking about. And it just read with so much irreverence.

And so here I am. And I just want to know why this guy hates me, what did I do wrong. And what can I do? Because I actually really need his help, but now I just want to hide in a dark corner. And just in case this needs to be said, I am not writing this because I'm interested in him for any other reason than the fact that he's one of the greatest scholars in my field, and after our first really warm interactions I thought he would be a great mentor and friend.

Also, this is my first day on reddit. Postgrad existence drove me to it, and I have a feeling I'm going to be coming here a lot.

TLDR: I think my professor/potential PhD supervisor hates me, and I really don't know what I did wrong. We had a really wonderful (but short-lived) chemistry, and now you can cut a swath through the tension between us.

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 03:52AM by Om83 https://ift.tt/2DhhDr2