First year of college, started dating this girl almost immediately into the first few weeks and while we've had little disagreements here and there we are very communicative and have helped each other through problems a good amount. I understand it's only been 2 1/2 months, but we hit it off right away and I feel very close to her. About a month before college she broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, and they had a mutually toxic and unhealthy relationship. I have very good confirmation from her friends and her that it was not a good relationship, and was very codependent and verbally abusive both ways. She has said many times she never really loved him, and was just attached and dependent on him. It's hard for me to believe that she doesn't have any feelings left over for him, because it was so recent and and so mutually dependent.
Anyways, last night she was out doing homework at a nearby college and I went up to her room to grab an assignment I was working on, and my dumbass saw one of her personal journals lying on the desk. In my infinite wisdom, and morbid stupid curiosity, I opened it and flipped to the last page. I'm paraphrasing from memory, because I refuse to look at it again, but the last entry went something like this:
I still listen to my ex's playlists, I still use his pen, I still look at photos of us together and I still look at his presence online because he's kissing other girls that aren't me. My boyfriend is scared that I'm still in love with him, and I am. I still love my ex- boyfriend.
I was obviously sick to my stomach because I never should have been reading that that in the first place, it was a huge violation of her trust and personal space. I talked to some friends and they told me to wait a bit and see what happens and decide if I should tell her or not based on how she is acting in the next few weeks. My friend said that from personal experience, a lot of the time what goes into a journal is therapeutic and could be a way of getting over her ex, but it very much hurts to know he occupies such a large space in her mind, and she continues to lie to my face about her having leftover feelings, especially that she still loves him. I can't tell if she's hiding it because she wants to get over him and doesn't want to hurt me during that time window, or because she really wants to be back with him and is using me as a temporary interim love.
I feel so lost about this because all of my friends here are friends of hers as-well, and I'm an 8 hour plane ride from my hometown. If anything happens and we break up, I essentially am alone here. All of my friends are on her hall. Side note; I haven't had any other reason to believe something is wrong, in our day to day relationship she's very supportive and loving, and at least from my perspective we have a strong bond and trust. Of course I managed to violate that, which is 100% my fault for looking into her private writing.
I really don't know how to fix this, and I don't know if I can go on without telling her what I saw, feels like I'm lying to her every second we're together. I brought it up the night of, and she denied it vehemently, and was hurt that I didn't trust her enough to believe she had no feelings for her ex. I ended up being the one to apologize and everything felt so wrong and twisted. I really don't know how to precede from here.
TLDR: Looked in my GF's personal notebook like an idiot, found out she's still in love with her abusive ex- boyfriend.
Submitted October 30, 2018 at 06:53AM by rebbulb https://ift.tt/2CQC8tD
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