My [31F] older sister [39F] expects me to move to her state in order to help take care of her children [8M, 4F] during the pandemic, and is hinging her decision on whether to get 3 three month old kittens on me.

My [31F] oldest sister [39F] lives Colorado with her husband [40M], two kids [8M, 4F], and two dogs [6F,10monthsM]. Our mom [59F] lives about 45 minutes away from them in the mountains. I live in Los Angeles with my two cats [1F/1M].

My BIL is an abusive, manipulative POS who kept leaving his children home alone and has not contributed financially to their household in almost a year. My sister works as a nurse at two hospitals, 5 days/60 hours a week overnights. She finally decided to kick him out and divorce him, he's leaving the state tomorrow. Because he made it clear that he could not keep his kids safe, my mom has been taking them to her house in the mountains for the 5 days my sister works, which she hates because it means she only gets to see them on her days off.

Our other sister [37F] is going out to Colorado from Texas this weekend to stay with her and watch after her kids "indefinitely" because she works from home and thus can work anywhere. I'm not sure when she'll be returning to TX.

As for me, I was working two full time jobs in LA up until the pandemic closed everything. I was furloughed from both my jobs and have thus been on unemployment since the end of March. As most people on unemployment, the federal expansion of UI benefits has been really helpful and the only way I've been able to pay any of my bills (even though I only make about 65% of my previous income). I'm obviously very much worried about what the senate plans to do re: the HEROES act and am waiting for them to make a decision. If they extend the federal expansion for half or more of what it is now, I will be able to remain in LA. If they don't... I will need to find multiple jobs at businesses that are open during the pandemic (along with thousands upon thousands of other people in Los Angeles).

The other option, my absolute last resort, is to temporarily move out to Colorado while subleasing my apartment in LA and staying with family to save money while working on skills to switch to an industry with a higher earning potential. I have floated this idea to my mom and my sister, the latter of whom seems to have latched onto it as a way to get a babysitter for her kids without too much work on her part. I never agreed to live with her and watch her kids, though I did acknowledge it as a possibility.

I do not WANT to move to Colorado. I love California, I love LA, I love my apartment, I do not want to sublease it. I am in the entertainment industry (my two jobs were day jobs in hospitality) and this is the place to be for that, even if everything is paused right now. I also do not want to live with my sister. We have had a very tumultuous relationship ever since I was very young; I HATED her when I was a kid. We constantly had screaming matches. We get along better now due to age, but also I think due to distance. We're both very opinionated.

A new point of contention is that her two cats both recently died very close to each other, one in December and one a month ago. She loves cats but is allergic to them. Still, she kept bringing up the idea of getting a kitten because she missed her cats so much, but the last time we talked about it, she agreed with me that it probably wasn't a good idea. Well, yesterday she decided she's going to adopt 3 kittens who are only 3 months old. Obviously I think this is a terrible and selfish idea -- she works 60 hours a week and is about to be a single mother to 2 young children, will be going through a divorce, is already struggling with money due to huge student loans, and already has two other animals, one of whom is a HUMONGOUS puppy who hasn't been trained (she didn't have the time, BIL didn't give a shit). I expressed my concerns, she claims she has thought about this and just needs something she and the kids can be happy about. Whatever. You do you.

My problem is, she expects me to either move in with her and her 5 animals with my two cats -- neither of whom have experience with dogs OR kids, and who would need time to adjust to that in itself, not to mention the move -- or to leave my cats with my mom in the mountains, while I live with her and her kids and pets.

I told her that I don't want to not live with my cats. They're my pets, I'm one of those people who considers pets like kids, I want to be around them! And I also told her I was worried about having 5 cats and 2 dogs (one of whom is a 70lb puppy whom she doesn't know how he would be with cats, the cat who recently passed was crated 24/7) in one house. At the same time, I don't want her to not adopt these cats because of me. I may not think it's a good idea, but if she uses me as the reason, she's going to resent me and hold it against me for YEARS.

But she insists that it is up to me. Because she's depending on me to live with her, and if I won't live with her if she has kittens, she isn't gonna get them. I don't want her to make this decision when I don't even know for sure if I'm going out there. I won't know for weeks.

I'm not sure how to approach this situation with her. I feel pressured and guilted into just going out there and staying with her in the first place (I'd rather stay with my mom), and now she's putting the onus of a decision to adopt 3 kittens on me as well. I also get this feeling that she either doesn't understand or doesn't believe that moving out there will be extremely temporary. I moved to LA to pursue acting, and she has never been supportive. At some point, she will need to find a babysitter for her children if she doesn't want our mother taking them to the mountains 5 days a week.

At the same time, I love my nephew and my niece, and I want to help out. I don't mind watching them, but I DO mind feeling obligated/expected to. If babysitting is the condition to not pay rent, then yeah okay I get it. But we haven't even hashed these details out!

How do I approach this conversation with her without it blowing up in my face? I want to support her and her children, but I am my own person with a life that isn't going to be paused by moving out there. How do I stand up for myself without feeling guilty? Am I just being selfish? Is there even a compromise in any of this?

Tl;dr My older sister expects me to move out to her state with my two cats and care for her young children, dogs, and possibly 3 new kittens. I feel pressured into it, even though I can't make a decision until the Senate deals with the HEROES act, and I feel guilty for not wanting to leave Los Angeles/stay with mom instead, because she DOES need help and I do care about her and her kids. How can we compromise? Am I being selfish? How do I have a healthy and productive discussion about this with her?

Submitted July 22, 2020 at 05:26PM by Lunafeather https://ift.tt/2OKebJk