My (25f) SO (20f)’s mom divulged family secrets to me that my SO doesn’t know. Do I myob or is it more hurtful not to tell her?

My gf of 1 year lives with me approximately 12 hours away from our families. Currently, we are back staying with her family for the funeral of her grandfather. This morning, I went upstairs to get coffee while bae was still sleeping, and I was chatting with her mom.

Bae’s mom started discussing the funeral (for bae’s paternal grandfather who died last week from cancer). In the context of discussing how impressed she was that bae’s grandma took such good care of her grandpa in his illness, mom shared that grandpa was emotionally and physically abusive to his wife. She told me stories about very severe incidents that I won’t repeat here. She also said that bae and the rest of the grandkids don’t know that this went on: everyone idolized now-gone grandpa.

Awhile later, we were discussing how my own mom got married at 19, and how I, at 25, couldn’t fathom such a decision at that age. She talked about how the times were different, but also talked about rockiness in her own relationship with bae’s dad. She then said, “I don’t think the kids know that [their dad] was married before he got together with me.” She said she didn’t feel like it was her place to tell bae and her siblings if their dad never did.

I don’t want to cause pain or drama by sharing potentially hurtful things with my partner (or by telling her things that really should be coming from her family). I don’t want to gossip. I don’t want to lose rapport with the family. But I don’t know if it would be more hurtful to my SO to find out that I knew these things later and didn’t tell her...

I know for sure now is not the time to talk about grandpa (and I’m not sure that will ever be something I need to share). Is a parent’s previous marriage something she should know? Should I be the one to tell her? Am I worrying about nothing?

I don’t know if this is relevant, but my gf isn’t out (we’re both women and in love, of you hadn’t picked that up yet), and her parents think we are just “inseparable best friends.” Her family loves me (as her friend). I’m completely out, and being secretive has been a challenge for me, but I am respecting her timeline.

Tl;dr: my gf’s mom told me potentially hurtful information about gf’s family that my gf doesn’t know. Inclination is to mind my own business, but want to make sure I’m doing right by my partner.

Submitted February 29, 2020 at 08:19PM by gaynomadgirl https://ift.tt/39p5wVe