Me [30M] with my GF [27F] of 4 years, sexting co-worker, possibly more. So many questions. How do I move out? How do I even confront?

I don't really know how to do this and I'm really frazzled right now so if this is rambling please forgive me. This isn't even that bad compared to a lot of the stuff on here but I just feel like I need to write this down and get it out of me.

I have been dating my girlfriend Annie for 6ish years, we live together, I thought everything was going well, we travel, have fun, see movies, go to nice restaurants, all that stuff. Our sex life started falling off roughly a year ago, Annie started saying she felt gross and had gained weight and didn't want me to see her naked. She also started a new job around this time period. I tried to make sure she knew I still found her attractive, still tried to initiate sex, give her compliments any time she did herself up or even just lounging around the house. Nothing I did seemed to work, but I wanted to keep trying. Outside of the sex stuff, it was business as usual and I felt like we were in a really good spot. She started running and exercising and eating healthier, and it worked, she started losing weight and feeling better about herself, but the sex was still lacking. We went on vacation to a foreign country and after traveling all over and being constantly on the move, I booked us a nice relaxing getaway at the end to just chill and do nothing. I figured this could be my time, tried to initiate sex and she batted me away. After a year of this happening it was my new normal so I just moved on. I did continue complimenting her and trying to be sweet and make her feel good, because thats just something I like to do regardless of sex happening or not.

Then around October I started noticing that she was constantly talking about this one coworker named Dan. She was also on her phone ALL the time, and i would often see her trying to take some sort of almost 'covert' selfie while we were sitting watching tv or whatever. If i brought it up she would always say 'oh just sending it to the girls' or w/e. She turned off her location on snapchat, she stopped including me in snaps, even normal ones (i know because it happened multiple times where friends got them and not me). I asked her about this and she would say "oh your name is so far down the list i just got tired of selecting people" or stuff like that. Anyways, im not a digital stalker kind of guy (well, i used to not be), so I didn't really care that much, just moved past it (dumb, I know). She would always make sure to mention Dan is married and his wife is super cool and comes to hang out after work for happy hour sometimes, blah blah. I met Dan at her work Christmas party, it was a little weird, but we're strangers so what do I know. Made small talk and moved on.

So not it really starts, roughly 1 week ago. Life continues, we're having a good time, sex still hasn't improved but I'm holding on with the thought of 'its just a slump it will come'. After work one night we go to a bar for a drink, she was pretty drunk, and while we are sitting there talking I notice out of the corner of my eye that she is using whatsapp. This is strange to me because I know she normally doesn't, so I make a mental note of it and ignore it for the time being. But then when we got home I was sitting on the couch and she was getting ready for bed (I could see her, she couldn’t see me) and I saw her very clearly taking selfies of her face (fully clothed, giving pouty lips/sexy face). Then she said she had to change her tampon so she closed the door but left it slightly cracked. I heard no wrapper open, and I saw her throw her shirt into the dirty laundry hamper, then I heard her put her phone down and continue getting ready, still no tampon wrapper noise. Then she finally goes to bed, I tuck her in, kiss her night and go to get ready for bed on my own, closing the doors on the way out. Then I opened whatsapp and it says shes online, online, online. Finally I get ready for bed and go in the room (she seemed startled), and I said ‘still up?’ and she said “yeah just watching IG stories”. Of course, go on my phone and see she is still online on whatsapp. She finally puts the phone down, I note the time, then notice it says ‘Last seen on’ whatever the time I noted. Exact. So quite clearly texting someone on whatsapp.

So when she fell asleep I decided to unlock her phone and see what was going on. Open up whatsapp and see the 3 chats, 2 of which I am a part of (from the past) and 1 that is Dan. Open it and the only thing I see is ‘This message was deleted” and there is no chat history. Fishy. Then go check texts, again, no record of ever texting (someone that she has definitely told me she has texted in the past). Very fishy. Open up photos to see what she was taking pics of and find a lot of nudes and semi-nudes going all the way back to September 19 (including the exact time i confronted her about being sketchy in october!!), and maybe even further. Decide to check IG, no record of anything. Decide to check slack and search my name and find outright lies, and lots of ‘venting’ about me to Dan. Some very weird things like I walked in to our apartment to see her getting her hair washed by the guy that cuts her hair (??wtf). stuff about how she doesn’t like fancy restaurants but just goes to them because I like them, she prefers to cook (not true at all). I saw that she told a friend i got really mad at her and she was sleeping at a friends house (also has never happened). She complained to Dan that i was trying to rearrange my Christmas plans to join her in her hometown. She complained that I was making an effort to take her out on dates and go to restaurants and stuff ("he's just doing it so i dont get mad, not because he wants to").

I almost felt bad because sometimes Dan would say things like ‘he is trying to be nice why are you being mean to him’ and stuff like that. Bizarre. Take some photos of the screen on my phone because I don’t know how to screenshot on her phone. None of the texts I find are terribly incriminating, but I can tell they are both pretty diligent about deleting texts. Another thing I noticed was that a lot of the images have been compressed, usually something that happens when sending over whatsapp (vs texting). ALSO all of the exif data has been stripped, something that whatsapp is known for. Then I started paying attention in the mornings, and often the first thing she would do is open whatsapp, and I realized it was because she had his notifications muted (so she could continue to show me stuff on her phone without worry of anything popping up). Then I started paying attention more over the past week and she is basically in constant communication with him via whatsapp. I have gone through her phone a couple more times over the past week and managed to find some screenshots she had of messages from between the 2 of them (nothing incriminating, just regular messages on whatsapp and text). She started cooking large batches of really good food on sundays 'to take to work', but i found out via her messages that she was actually taking food for Dan. Another thing I found was a google search for 'how to give best blowjob' on Tuesday (3 days ago), (which was definitely not for me), and 'dizzy after orgasm', and stuff like that. She worked from home Wednesday. Could be a coincidence but most likely not, right? Also she was off birth control for a long period of time (probably 6 months) and started up again out of the blue a couple months ago. Again, could be coincidence, but also probably isn't.

This morning I woke up and I was upset about it all and I found Dan's wife on FB and IG, and I messaged her a short version of what has happened, on both platforms (because i know sometimes messages from strangers can get lost, and need approval or w/e). I can provide the message if you want, but it's basically just the previous 2 paragraphs of this post. I also sent her some screenshots of what I have, not all of them, but some. None of them are super incriminating, but I think there are enough implications to realize what is going on.

So yeah, that's basically what I have so far. Sorry it's all kind of rambling and stilted. I haven't really told anyone about any of it except my brother and sister and best friend, who have all been more than amazing and understanding and supportive. I guess I'm just writing this to get it out and see if you have any advice for me on my next steps. I have so many questions and I think I'm finally going to confront Annie tonight after work.

Why has she been treating our life like normal while all of this is going on? She has been asking me about getting a dog, moving cities, buying a place, etc. I don't understand, and it feels cruel while all of this other stuff is going on. There is no way to move past this, right? Is my relationship done? How do I move out of my apartment? Do I have to do it immediately? Can I stay there while she is there at the same time? do i sleep on the couch? it's a small apartment. i can't stay with a friend because i don't have a car and need to be near public transit to get to work. Do I kick her out? What questions do I ask her when I confront her? I just feel so lost. Why am I continuing to do nice stuff for her? I cooked her dinner, have been cleaning as usual, got her wine from the grocery store, etc. why does she go hours without responding to my messages but stay on whatsapp all day? am i going to be seen as a fucking weird 30 year old single loser? i dont even know how to flirt/date anymore.

I'm sorry this is all just coming out and im crying at work now lol, I know a lot of these questions are unanswerable. feels good to vent finally. Any help or guidance would be immense. Thanks everyone!

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tl;dr: Girlfriend cheating with married coworker. What are my next steps? Can I salvage my relationship? how do i begin the moving out process? can i just show her this post???

Submitted March 06, 2020 at 07:43AM by dingleberry23432 https://ift.tt/32UutFM