Hi, I'm 19 (20 in 2 weeks) and female. I was raised by my mum and her mum, and when I was 10, my half brother (who lives with us) was born. I never met my dad, and he never knew I existed. He died in November 2001 (I was born in January 2001). My mum found out when I was 11 that my dad had died 10 years beforehand and told me a few days later. It was always my wish to one day meet my dad. I remember I always used to wish that before I blew out the birthday candles on my birthday. But after I found out he had died, my wish changed slightly to wanting to visit his grave one day. I never knew anything about my dad apart from two things which I found out accidentally. One day when me and my mum were in the greengrocers, a lady said to my mum, "What lovely brown eyes your daughter has! Does she have her dad's eyes?" to which my mum replied yes. All my mum's family has blonde or light brown hair with blue or green eyes and fair skin. I have almost black hair, with brown eyes and olive skin (turns out my dad's family is Italian). The other thing was when we were at the dentist one time before my brother was born, and my mum was filling out my medical form. There was a box for father's medical history, in which she wrote Type 1 Diabetes, which is basically what he died from. I never even knew his name until recently.
Last summer, I DNA matched with one of my dad's cousins on Ancestry, 3 years after I actually did the test. I showed my mum, who began to tell me a little about his family. She mentioned she had to "get away" and asked if I wanted to know why, but at the time I was nervous to know (I still am, but I just want to know!). She also said that his sister and brother-in-law were in/going to prison for 5 & 10 years. She never specifically mentioned who, but that "they" were violent. Never said anything "positive" about any of them. It seems she doesn't really know much about the family, so I guess she didn't really meet his family at all.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to feel about what she told me. I still feel the same as I did when I was little about wanting to visit him. And I check in daily with various of his family's Facebook pages (as a lot of them practically spend their lives on Facebook!). All I can think about at the moment is reaching out to them. But then I'm scared that they might reject me. They don't know I exist. At night, I'm even dreaming about the scenarios that may, or may not happen! It seems the "violent" side of the family is my dad's dad's children, from his first marriage before he married my nan and had two more children (including my dad). From what I can see on Facebook, my nan's side of the family seems fairly family orientated and genuinely nice. My uncle enjoys hunting and fishing, and that's what he does as a job. Typically I'm vegan, but there's no way I'm going to let that stop us from getting to know eachother (unless he won't get to know me because I'm a vegan! 🙄). I'm just feeling quite stuck, as I'm worried 1. I will upset my mum by getting in contact with them (but she has said to me to tell her beforehand if I decide to get in contact with them so she can protect me) and 2. that they won't want anything to do with me anyway, which honestly I don't think I'll be able to cope with. 😔
TL;DR • Unsure whether I should get in contact with my dad's family. • Never got to meet my dad and he never knew I existed. • Some "violent" family members and some who have gone to prison for quite a bit. • Scared they may reject me. • All I've ever wanted to do, but terrified.
Submitted January 06, 2021 at 04:16AM by germanmetalgirl https://ift.tt/2L5PwRj
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