Sorry this is long, just had to get it off my chest as I've been feeling so confused. I've been in a relationship with this guy for 4 months now. He's really sweet overall. I didn't realise his age until the sixth date. The age doesn't bother me at all, what attracted me initially was how kind and caring was. Really attentive listener. During the first few dates, he never forcefully came on to me (this is a big plus as I've been on dates with guys who are overly eager or get sexual very fast and it really turns me off.) He seemed like the sweetest guy. I thought I'd found "the one".
Physically, if I'm honest, he's not my type looks wise. He has a nice smile but I never found him physically appealing when we first met. But I was getting over a past relationship where my ex was conventionally 'hot" but could be really unpleasant in personality. Looks aren't everything.) And how I perceive a guy's looks changes over time, based on his personality.
So I grew to find him more and more attractive, and am now really attached to him. It's not "love" for me yet, but close. He told me he was in love with me by the second month. I couldn't say it back...so I told him I cared about him too. He said he understands and doesn't want to pressure me. He can be very warm, appreciative, caring, sensitive and is a great lover.
HOWEVER, from day one he's kind of fixated on my looks. Like really over the top compliments or drooling. Saying he's lucky because I'm a "9" or a "9.5" and that I have his ideal body type (he says he likes really slim women with large curves and that I have a gorgeous face too. Now, initially I found the attention kind of charming but I tend to find the habit of "rating girls" really tacky and demeaning, but I thought it was the only supposedly "shallow" thing he said.
He's always, ALWAYS touching or kissing or groping or staring or feeling my butt or commenting on my boobs. It's 4 months into dating and I'm feeling like maybe that's the main attraction he has towards me. Even though he says he loves my attitude and personality, I'm not convinced anymore. Sometimes in the middle of a date while I'm talking he'll just zone out, like he's not listening to what I'm saying or is looking at my lips or chest. Or will just interrupt with "God you're gorgeous" or "Your eyes sparkle so much" or some other compliment about my boobs or body. He keeps sending surprise gifts, like he's afraid I'll leave him.
Don't get me wrong, he's very caring 99% of the time, and constantly texts me to make sure I'm safe or say he's missing me, but it feels a bit suffocating at times. I'm a graduate student but sometimes he says he wishes I was a waitress instead. When I asked why, he said it was because then I would be more "available" (and he says he likes to be the "provider". Whatever this means??)
I have a scholarship and want to earn my own money. My goals in life don't seem that important to him or maybe I'm being paranoid. Whenever I talk about my deadlines, he just brushes it off and says I'll do great. He puts a lot of pressure to see me even during the busiest times, he says he won't interrupt my studying, he'll just get me snacks or hang around to help. I find it hard to say no when he's being sweet. And he gets insecure if I tell him I'm genuinely busy and can't see him that week. I'm starting to wonder whether he real cares about me or some abstract ideal. He's also becoming quite controlling.
Then there's the groping. Sometimes when we're at a restaurant, he will purposely pretend he dropped something on the street outside, will tell the waiter to hold our seats, grab me and then publicly grope me on the street, where all the other passers-by can see. At first I laughed but then I felt...creeped out. He also doesn't like it when I wear form fitting jeans and tops because he thinks they look "too sexy" and it could be sending the wrong signal to other guys (first of all, I dress quite appropriately, and not that differently than other coeds...and I do like fashion and don't like how controlling he is about what I should wear.)
He is very possessive btw, and engages in a lot of PDA. Other guys stare as he gropes me and he has this smirk on his face and I just feel a bit embarrassed. I've told him so. But he just says, ignore them, they're jealous, and he "can't help himself." (Sometimes he even gets a pre-cum stain on his jeans during these times, it's not obvious though.) It's flattering in private but honestly kind of embarrassing in public for me. I feel like I'm on public display sometimes.
When we're watching tv shows, he compares me to the women onscreen and keeps on rating. "She's a 10, but you're a 9.5". Or, "She's not as hot as you." or "She's an 8, you're a 9." Or "She's a bit hotter because I like red heads, but you're both in the 9-10 category." I honestly find this extremely tacky and annoying and it makes me wonder if he just sees women as a species.
When he saw me naked, he was extremely turned on and very loving, which was great, but the first thing he said was that he'd got his very own Playboy centrefold dream come true...which felt like an impersonal thing to say. He's told me I'm the most stunning girl he's ever slept with, so sometimes he gets nervous and says the wrong things or overdoes it. He says that he wants to marry me eventually (which scares me as it's only been 4 months), but it feels like he's a bit dismissive about my other goals or priorities.
In every other way, he's a truly great guy, but currently I'm not feeling the initial connection. I just feel like I'm being objectified all the time and he doesn't really "see" me, for the person I am (he will strongly deny it, but it's just a feeling). Feeling really confused about whether I should end this, because the first few months he seemed really interested in me as a person and not superficial at all.
**TL;DR;: Wondering if I should continue seeing boyfriend despite his incessant groping, objectifying comments about my body. In general, I don't like the constant rating of my looks (even if its complimentary), or the handsy, exhibitionist behaviour and possessiveness. For any guys out there reading this - is this a sign he doesn't care? Will it settle down over time? Should I just appreciate how great he is in other ways and just let it go? **.
Submitted January 31, 2021 at 01:53AM by bardot_00 https://ift.tt/2Me8rdo
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