TL;DR: Wife doesn't value my validations of her, seeks it from other men instead. How do I make my validations more important to her?
My wife (44F) and I(41M) have been married for over 13 years. She has recently been seeking a lot of attention from outside the marriage. This has mostly taken the form of online chats which turn sexual in nature, and sometimes exchange G-rated pics. She loves to know that these random internet people find her attractive and sexy. I understand how that feels - who doesn't like a compliment from a stranger? Although the individuals are random, she tends to latch onto them when they compliment her. She forms an online friendship with them and spends a lot of time with them. It bothers me that she feels she needs actively seek it out, but I won't judge her for finding ways to keep her esteem up. She doesn't seem to be actively seeking to meet any of these men - it's all kept online so far. She's got about 3 or 4 such people at the moment.
However, the other side of this is that what I tell her the same thing, it seems to mean almost nothing to her. She says thank you, but it sure doesn't make her smile and glow the way it does when it comes from others. Sometimes, when I point this out, she verbally insists that it means a lot, but I don't see it in her body language, facial expressions, or behavior.
Now let me just say, for all the world to hear, that my wife is absolutely gorgeous. 10/10. I really feel that way and I've been told by many how beautiful she is. I'm well aware that beautiful girls sometimes don't know they are seen that way and have low self esteem. We've talked about this and we're not sure if that's the issue here or not.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting here is because I'm seeking advice on how I can make my validation mean more to her. I try everything to show her how I feel, by being the best husband I can be to her. I tell her verbally. I smile at her, give her hugs. I show her that her attention means the world to me. I make multiple coffees (espresso lattes) a day for her, and leave cute little love notes for her to find telling her how great she is. I get her flowers every now and then (maybe should do that more but I'm not the most romantic guy - not dead romantically, but not a casanova either) I used to fill her bday/holiday cards with flowing words of love, which she would skim as she opened the card. I gave HER a card on father's day, telling her thank you for making me a father. I compliment her cooking, and sometimes cook instead. I try to make her dreams come true - she wanted to be a stay at home mom when we got married, so I support the family with my career and do a lot of DIY things to help save money. I tell her what a great mom she is and how important she is to me and this family.
At one point I thought maybe I'm TOO doting, so I backed off a lot to see if she would miss my attention. She didn't seem to. She just did her own thing.
I also keep myself fit and presentable. Clean clothes, showered, plenty of exercise, eat right. I think I look better, clothes on and off, than I did when we were dating.
Her lack of reaction to my validations started soon after we got married. It was very different when we were dating. She seemed very happy to be with me and to have my attention.
I'm concerned that she in general just doesn't respect my opinion on many things. When we discuss other topics, if I take a position that she doesn't agree with, she (used to) accuse me of being manipulated by someone. I had to fight to convince her that my opinion was my own. In other instances, things I would ask for (i.e. sexual things) that she wasn't interested in seemed strange and weird (they're really not) to her until she heard others saying that they liked the same thing. Perhaps that's why my validations mean little to her - it's my opinion, and thus has be confirmed elsewhere before being considered. Even then, it's just me so who cares.
Of course this causes a strain on our marriage. I feel throw to the side like a piece of trash. It makes sex cruddy, maybe because she feels I'm only doing it with her because I "have to" since we're married.
COVID note: The roots of this all pre-date COVID by a lot, so this isn't some cabin fever side-effect.
Oh, and as a side note, she offers me almost no validation at all. A little bit here and there, but I'll go for weeks without an uttered compliment, and months without an affectionate smile.
Submitted January 28, 2021 at 08:01PM by scratmanandacorn https://ift.tt/36lxkdM
No comments:
Post a Comment