I'm worried my [30F] recent ex boyfriend [31M] might have killed himself and all I want to do is check in & make sure he's ok

TLDR; My long distance ex boyfriend recently messaged me saying he was "going away" and won't respond to any of my messages. I don't have his address anymore and can't remember it. What the fuck do I do.

Edit to add: I found his address, and his land lady's number. I am going to call his land lady when it's morning there and possibly also the police when it's morning.

Sorry in advance if my post doesn't make much sense or ends up being rambley. I am freaking out and didn't get much sleep last night.

I met "Tom" in August of 2019, on Tinder. When we met, I was really unhappy at my job, and was actively searching and interviewing for new jobs, both in my city and outside of my city. I had been at my job for 10 years and what had once started out as an amazing place to work slowly morphed into my personal hell. I told Tom all this on our first date.

I really liked Tom, even before we met up in person. I think we spent two weeks just messaging each other and getting to know each other. He was funny and smart, and also ridiculously handsome. The first night I met him I was instantly nervous because of how attracted I was to him, and we spent 2 hours just talking at the restaurant we met up at, until they closed.

We ended up getting physical before we became good friends or really got to know each other. On our second date, we went out for drinks and then ended up at his place in his bed. Our relationship was great. We had a lot of (amazing) sex, and we started hanging out as often as we could, multiple days a week and on all of our days off. He was amazing to talk to, sweet, funny, fun to be around, and we got along really well.

I should mention at this point that Tom also seemed a bit vulnerable and lonely when I met him. Both his parents (whom he loved very much) are dead, and his mom passed 4 years ago, and I don't think Tom ever got over either death.

The rest of his family (he had 2 brothers and 1 sister) doesn't care about him or want anything to do with him.

He has a best friend who he's known ever since he was 5 that he's stayed friends with, but after I moved his best friend also moved 2 hours away and stopped responding to Tom's texts.

2 months after meeting Tom, I got called about doing an interview for a job! But, it was in another country, which was a bit sad, as it meant I'd have to choose between Tom and my career. I told Tom as soon as I found out and he wasn't happy about it (understandably) as I was considering it. I was eventually offered the job, and I decided to take it. I would need to move once I got my visa to start my new job.

When Tom found out, he was crushed, which didn't make me feel great or all that confident in my decision, if I'm being honest. We decided we'd still see each other and continue going on dates / being intimate in the two months I had before I left, but that we'd probably end up just being friends once I moved, as neither of us wanted to do long distance.

The night before I left we ended up just crying and talking about our feelings / what was to come. We both wanted to stay together, even though it'd be difficult and probably really hard.

After I moved we Skyped a lot, and would spend hours just talking and playing games and hanging out whenever we could. I got to know him even better, and I felt even closer to Tom, even though I couldn't actually be with him.

After a few months of Skyping and thinking about Tom all the time, I just felt like I missed him way too much and wanted to move back to be with him, even though my new job was going great and I liked my new life a lot.

But then the pandemic happened and suddenly moving back became a lot harder, as so many people were applying for jobs and things were pretty awful (and about to get even worse) in the US.

Tom was on thin ice at his job for being late, and (according to Tom) his new manager disliked him. And then his car got repossessed, since he was so late on his payments for it. Which made it really hard for him to get to and from work, as it was about 20 miles away from his house.

His manager called him the day after his car got repo'd, and asked him to come in that morning so they could talk, even though it was supposed to be his day off. I remember talking to him after it happened, and begging Tom to go - so that if he did get fired he could try to get on unemployment. But he was just so tired and upset about the car, he ended up not going, and his work didn't contact him again after that.

As for his car, I asked him how much he'd need to pay to get it back, and it would be $2,000 to get back, and $2000 more to pay it off completely. That's not nothing to me, but I do have money in savings and also a 401K, so I gave him $2000 so he'd be able to get his car. It was a gift and I was happy to be able to help, I didn't expect or want him to pay me back.

He paid the $2000, but then it turned out they'd taken his car to the nearest big city, which was a 2 hour drive away. I told him, that if he needed to take an uber, a greyhound, a bus, whatever, to let me know how much it'd cost and I'd send him the money so he could go get his car.

But he just... didn't. I remember a week went by and he had asked a former co-worker, who said he didn't really want to but maybe he could on his next day off. After 2 weeks, I kept asking him when he would and he would get really mad and end the conversation whenever I brought it up. I even looked at greyhound bus schedules and sent it to him, and offered to buy him a ticket and an uber to the bus station, but he said he'd figure it out and ignored me.

A month later and he still hadn't tried or done anything to get his car back. Honestly this was a sore spot for me and I felt angry and used... I basically ended up throwing $2,000 away. He never got his car back, never even tried? Despite all my begging and asking and wanting to help. I really don't get it.

The worst part was, he knew he was late on payments, he knew they were coming to repo his car, but he never told me about any of it until it happened. If he had told me beforehand, I would have gladly just given him the $4,000 he needed to keep his car and pay it all off. He had these problems and worries, and he never said anything to me about it until it was too late.

I am sad to say that this became a sore spot for me and I started to resent him for it. During our Skype calls, he'd accuse me of not wanting to talk, and he wasn't wrong. At one point we had our first big argument, and after that we didn't talk or anything for about a month.

Before all this even happened, there had also been periods of time where we'd chat and Skype and then he'd just completely stop responding... sometimes for days at a time. He was not in the best head space, but that, coupled with the whole car / money thing, really changed the way I felt about him. I just felt like I couldn't trust or rely on him, and that he didn't care about me very much.

So, after a month of not talking, I just figured it was over and removed him on skype. I deleted his number, and all of the emails we'd ever sent. I deleted our Discord channel, too.

When he noticed I'd done all this, he sent me several messages, via email, Discord, reddit, Steam, etc, asking for a second chance and I messaged him back immediately. We skyped and we broke up, but I was still happy to chat and talk to him whenever he wanted. I still cared about him, still liked him a lot. And.. he was weirdly okay with this? We'd still Skype and chat and play games together and all seemed well. We were still friends and were still able to chat and have fun, despite not being romantic anymore.

However, he sort of stood me up 3 weeks ago when we were supposed to Skype and he just... didn't message me at all or say anything? I messaged him asking him to just call me whenever he was ready and there was nothing from him. I waited for him all day, worried something horrible happened or maybe he killed himself (I knew he was not in a great place mentally), so I messaged him again and nothing.

However, I checked his reddit account and he was commenting on there, so I was relieved and knew he was alright. I figured he just didn't want to talk anymore, and that maybe he was moving on.

The next day he messaged me to say sorry, and that he wasn't feeling well. He asked me if I was OK - and I said I definitely wasn't okay, that I was worried he'd killed himself, or that he'd maybe gotten evicted (he is months behind on rent but his landlady is fucking amazing and basically letting him live there rent-free while he does odd jobs and stuff for them). I told him it always hurts me when he goes radio silent, and basically said I just felt like he was stringing me along. I would never do that to him, because I cared about him and wouldn't want him to worry or feel bad.

He apologized and said he'd do better and that I was right. And then these last few weeks he's messaged me a lot, and I feel so fucking ashamed because I'd chat with him a bit but I've been so busy with work and also hurt and not wanting to get my hopes up or get hurt again, so I didn't respond as much as I have in the past.

He hadn't brought up wanting to talk again, but I did 2 days ago and asked if we could, since he'd been messaging me so much. He said yes, and asked when yesterday. But he also said he still loved me, that I was the only person he'd ever love, and that I made him happy. I saw this at work and wasn't able to respond right away, and I also ended up staying late at work and got home late. Then, late last night, he sent me this message: "Love you. I'm going away now. Sorry this all happened."

I saw this 2 hours after he sent this and tried to call him on Skype but he didn't answer. I looked at his reddit, discord, and steam but he hasn't been online in like 10 hours which is around when he messaged me. I waited up last night and got about 2 hours of sleep this morning and still nothing. I don't know what to do or how to see if he's okay. I checked the obituaries and death records in his town and I'm not sure, it's such a small town and what if he did kill himself and hasn't been found yet??? I am hoping this is some sort of cruel joke and that this isn't real. Or maybe he just meant "going away" as in, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I don't know.

Can someone please help or tell me what to do in this situation because I really have no idea? I don't have his landlady's phone number, all I knew is that she was really religious and that sometimes he went to church with her and her husband. I am thinking about calling every church in that area (and it's the south so there's a fuck ton of churches) to try to see if anyone knows anything or could get in touch with his landlady. I really don't know what else to do other than that.

Submitted January 27, 2021 at 07:26PM by throwaway-worst-girl https://ift.tt/3on7uMF