Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2dyprb/i_23m_am_feeling_incredibly_lonely_inadequate_and/
For awhile I have been thinking of updating this post. I recently logged into this account and saw someone had PMed me about my old post, so I thought I would give an update so that maybe in the future if someone is ever in my situation they feel less alone. I guess I would say that I don't exactly feel inadequate anymore, although loneliness and isolation have been a battle. It is weird to read back on that post. I do feel that at times it was self indulgent, and that I was maybe feeling too sorry for myself. But at the same time, it brings back a lot of painful memories as well.
I am 29, almost 30 years old now. I'm an ER Nurse. I never ended up getting a girlfriend, FWB, or into any sort of exclusive/committed relationship over the past 6 years. My relationship with my friends has improved quite a bit, but they are all in committed relationships and I am the single one which means that slowly but surely our interests and goals have started to diverge. They are focused on settling down and I am still stuck in the phase of trying (and failing miserably) to find someone.
Looking back on everything that has happened, it is pretty hard for me to think of how things could have potentially been different. Hard for me to see how I could have acted differently to make my dating situation better. I don't think my physical standards were ever too high. Physically I find most women attractive, so long as they aren't morbidly obese and seeing as how I always kept myself in an athletic shape I didn't feel like I was being unreasonable about that. I wasn't ever picky about a girls race, age, height etc. I would never rate myself a 10/10, but even with me being an Indian guy I felt I was at least decently attractive. I'm not stupid. I have read the threads on here about Indian men, and seen firsthand how it has effected my dating life but I don't want to place the blame on anything really other than fate.
During my 20s I was pretty broke, maybe a few hundred bucks left over at the end of each month. After I became an EMT I went on to work nightshifts running 911s on the ambulance and in a busy inner city ER. I would then get off work and then head straight to class to knock out my nursing school pre-reqs and sleep afterwards. During this period I really had no time to seriously date someone and was completely focused on just improving my life situation. I occasionally went out to bars and a couple times ended up having one night stands but that was it. When I would go on serious dates the hurdles of working 2 night shift jobs while going to class would rear their heads and most people could not relate not only to my inexperience, but to my life situation at the time.
I ended up getting into to a nursing program in an extremely rural, conservative area of America. I'm a brown guy that has been mistaken as Muslim my entire life and without getting too much into things I never felt comfortable in that part of the country being seen in public with a white girl and so I just avoided dating altogether while I was there. After I got my degree I left that area for a more diverse metropolitan center where I felt more comfortable walking around in public.
Afterwards I became an ER Nurse and here we are today. I've still never been in a relationship or exclusive situation with anyone. I've never even had regular sex. During these past years I have tried to improve myself throughout these past years as best I could. I bulked up, gained muscle, figured out how to tame my hair etc. Back then I was already really fit, but I have maintained good fitness since then. I've dressed better, even though back then I was dressing well. Got my own place, my own car. Reconnected with a lot of old friends. Read up on dating advice, attachment theory etc. Learned not to take rejection so personally. But ultimately it has just felt like running into a wall over and over again. When you're on the receiving end of so much rejection it becomes hard not to internalize it. It becomes hard not to feel sorry for yourself, or to feel sad. It becomes hard not to feel inadequate.
A lot of the advice I received in my old post and from other resources focused on picking up hobbies and building an interesting life. And I have felt that I have done that but haven't found any results, and to be honest I don't know if people even truly care about that stuff. I dirt bike, I rock climb. I do yoga and work out. I've got an old Japanese import that I've tuned and modified. I have interests in music, movies, anime, video games etc. I feel like I am pretty outgoing in general and have no problem making friends at work.
I'm in a place where I feel like on paper I have a lot to offer someone but deep down I feel like I have lost all enthusiasm for dating completely. I just can't do it anymore. Every single time I have fallen for someone it has completely blown up in my face and I've watched them go off with someone else and felt even worse afterwards. Completely miserable. I end up pining after the people that reject me and clinging on long afterwards hoping for a second or third chance while they completely forget about me. I tried online dating, but the reality of online dating just made things worse. I don't think I can bring myself to get attached to someone I met on Tinder or wherever when they can just swipe right on someone and hook up with them the same night whereas for me even getting a single date or match that I am interested in is a deep struggle.
I have read that at some point during your 20s your brain stops developing, and you just who you are. It's just hard for me to even relate what the experience of being single and lonely for my entire life is like to someone. Girls quickly lose interest when they find out that I've never had a girlfriend. I can get first and even second or third dates but at this point I don't think I'm capable of feeling any sort of spark or emotional connection with anyone anymore and so I rarely pursue them because I don't want to lie to someone else about how I'm feeling.
The pandemic obviously made things worse. I had met someone I was interested in over Tinder when the lockdowns started but they never felt comfortable meeting in person due to my job. And so I lost them to another person and am stuck in this same cycle of pining over someone who has rejected and forgotten about me. Feeling like I lost the only person that had ever displayed interest over me. Over the past few months I have had many dreams where I die. And right before I die it is always the same thing, this deep sad feeling of despair over the fact that I have never experienced what a relationship or requited love feels like.
I wouldn't say my life has been totally depressing, or is even depressing right now. Compared to where I was when I was 23, I feel like maybe things have even gotten better. I have a roof over my head and a job. I have the time and some money to pursue my interests. I don't always feel this depressed or sad, but the sadness and loneliness does add up quite a bit over time. I guess what I would say to someone else in my situation is just to try and keep building the life you like and putting yourself out there but even for me it is hard to sometimes take that advice.
tl;dr: Things got better for me in some ways, and stayed the same in other ways.
Submitted January 27, 2021 at 04:37PM by nonufriends https://ift.tt/39oPflT
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