(This is a repost from relationship_advice, but I still need help with this)
I live in a medium size town in Central Europe and have two kids, one kindergarten age and one in primary school. My wife and I have been together for approximately 15 years by now. We are both mid-30s.
One day after Christmas, my wife sent the kids to her parents and told me she needed to tell me something. Then she confessed that she has had an affair with a priest from our local municipality. This had been going on for two months, but she claimed that she had actually loved him from afar for two years. Naturally I had not noticed anything. Now, the nasty details:
- It was in fact the priest, not her, who first told her that he loved her
- He did so upon the advice of a coach working for the church
- He is 20 years older than her
- He is also married, several children living in his household
- They had sex three times, once in our house while I was in my office and twice elsewhere while I was watching the kids - which my wife had asked me to do because she needed ‘some time for herself’.
- She claims she loves the man more than she has ever loved me
- She told me only when the wife of the priest had already found out about it, and it was only a matter of time before she would inform me. Even then, she withheld information and I repeatedly caught her lying about (important) details.
We did not break up immediately afterwards, because I love her dearly and feel a strong responsibility to our two small children. Their tiny world would shatter if their parents broke up. So, there was a lot of arguing, shouting and some broken porcelain, but eventually we decided to move on and try to revive our relationship. So did the priest and his wife.
The first days afterwards were very good, even so good that she called them a second honeymoon. She was very relieved that I decided to swallow the pain and continue with her. And she enjoyed to see that I immediately changed the things that she had criticized on me, and which according to her statements were responsible for her loving me less and for falling in love with the priest. She also promised to change some of her behavior and did so. We‘ve been speaking days and nights and are both quite drained by now.
However, the more time passes, the more detached is she becoming of me. At first she claimed she was lovesick from having to part with her lover priest, then she claimed our relationship had been broken long before she fell in love with that priest, which had been an ‘escape’ and ‘cry for help’. She also said that I had hurt her too often, and that she was surprised that I say that I still love her.
Regarding her ‘injuries’: We argued a lot, and I am someone who can say unpleasant things in a very blunt and aggressive way, which indeed tends to hurt people. I do however usually not resort to swearing, and I would never hit a woman. Basically her ‘injuries’ were disagreements where I refused to give in. Most of them about small things such as evening plans, but these arguments often ended in tears. I am also someone who works a lot in an office job, so I was often not at home or, if I was, mentally absent because I was too tired or simply could not make myself interested in the stories she told, which were often about people I barely know, or about the same problems that she had told me about before (she is someone who tends to lament over problems instead of resolving them). I personally had recognized that we had problems, but was far from seeing our relationship as ‘broken’. In fact I was, in balance, quite happy.
During the last few days, she has now told me that she never loved me as much as I love her, and that she did often not like it when I was close to her, or even in the house. This is the reason why she often avoided me, sexually and in other matters. This had started about 7 years ago. When she told me, I immediately recognized what she meant. She indeed has been acting like this for a long time. However, she had always claimed that it was my fault because I was too ‘pushy’.
Our current situation is that she will now speak to a family counselor “to find out what she wants”. I’m supposed to wait until she takes that decision and/or make up my own mind. I do not want to lose her though, and hate that she tells me that I should think about this.
I am completely devastated by now. Two weeks ago I was living a seemingly good life with a great family. Now all I have is a pile of shards. I still love my wife, even if I struggle to find good reasons for it after all that happened. I can’t bear to think of what would happen to the kids if we split. And I have nonstop violence fantasies about that fucking priest.
The worst part of it is that the circumstances make it quite likely that she would take the kids for most of the time, which would make me a weekend-dad. I detest this thought. It is like being subjected to the worst parts of being a dad while not getting the parts that are so magical and beautiful.
At this point I seek your advice on how to save my marriage and family. Any advice on how to seriously fuck this priest over (legally) is also welcome.
Thanks!
tl;dr: My wife had an affair with a priest, and now defends herself by claiming that our relationship had been broken long before.
Submitted January 09, 2021 at 05:21PM by throwaway-fubar https://ift.tt/3q7suZ2
No comments:
Post a Comment