I (32/F) hurt my husband's (32/M) feelings and now we're undergoing a crisis that I'm not sure we'll survive

Throwaway because husband uses Reddit. We have been together for 7 years, out of which we have lived together for 5, and been married for almost 2. We've had a great relationship. I feel like he's the person I can be my most vulnerable with, and really feel like he's the person who knows me the most. And up to last Monday, that feeling was mutual.

Now, for some context: he's been unemployed for most of our relationship, making me the sole breadwinner. He has a child from a previous relationship, and this has been a source of conflict from time to time. I have helped him financially with child support or things his son needs, but yeah, I've felt a bit resentful about that. So I have been nagging him from time to time about getting a job. He always says he will get a job "this year", and it's been the same story for years now.

So on Monday the topic came up, as I was feeling a bit anxious about post-Christmas finances, and he told me he would get a job soon. Then I was like "yeah right" and he asked "what? you don't believe me?". So I answered honestly. No, no I don't believe you, because you've been saying the same thing for years. It was the first time I answered that question that way. Then things escalated, as he felt very bad.

He said he felt like I didn't believe in him. What I said was that I don't believe him now, not that I doubt his abilities or capacities. In fact, I feel like he has so much potential and am sad to see that he has so much self doubt in this area. He says he feels like a failure, and I see how what I said made him feel that way. Later he told me a job he had applied for had turned him down, and that he had known for a few days now, but didn't want to tell me out of fear of how I'd react. I hugged him and told him I wouldn't be upset about that, and that I valued how he was trying, and that I was sorry.

But he says he feels like something broke between us. He said he didn't know if we could go on, but that he's willing to try. He said that I was right, however, in all I said, but that it hurt. He says he feels like now he can trust me the same way, he can't be as vulnerable with me as he was, like he feels he has to be more defensive with me now. He asked me whether I felt the same. I said I didn't. I really still feel like I can be my most vulnerable with him.

But now, he's changed with me. I can feel him more defensive and cold, more aggressive and physical when we have sex. There are still sweet moments, but for the most part, now he's acting like me like he acts with his friends, and now he shows his lack of patience more often.

He told me yesterday he feels that I have an anger problem, and I agree. Yeah, I have a very hot temper, always had, but have only recently become mindful of just how bad it is. He says I tend to bottle my anger and not show it to people I don't trust, in fact he says I often don't show much emotion to strangers, especially not negative ones. But he says with my loved ones (including parents, my sister, etc) I do lose my temper quickly and often lash out. It's true, I have to admit that. So he says he's tired of this. Emotionally tired. I feel devastated.

So now he's asking me to be extra sweet and loving with him, to watch my temper, to veto certain topics, and in general, to pamper him and win him over again. I get it. But the problem is whatever little slip I might have, even when it doesn't have anything to do with the topics that make him insecure (e.g. his unemployment), now upset him. So I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, I'm feeling really anxious, but I'm willing to try. Also, I know he's right about my temper and I do need to change that. I just feel like he shouldn't expect perfection right off the bat. I'm going through a lot of other stuff (family and work related stress), and I struggle with anxiety and depression, especially around this time of year. But yes, I have to own up to my temper issues and will work on it.

However, I'm really scared. I don't know if this is actually going to help. What is your advice in this situation?

TL;DR: My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and have had a solid relationship. We had a fight about his lack of employment during most of our relationship on Monday, and he feels I hurt him and broke his trust in the process. Now he says he wants us to continue together, but that I must control my quick temper better, which has reached a point where it's become a problem for him. I am afraid for our future, but I'm willing to try. What's your take? Thanks

Submitted January 08, 2021 at 09:39AM by Inner_Replacement_85 https://ift.tt/3hWdvya