Fuck 2020. NYE, I'm working on my (36f) boyfriend's (35m) computer and I'm about to close out of everything and I see an email address with a similar name as his dating profile when we met online 6 years ago... I shouldnt have clicked but I had to. He has been so distant, so removed from us, wouldnt talk to me about it. We almost completely stopped having sex. When we did he was half there.
I opened the email. To my surprise he has been sending sexually explicit emails to guys on the internet. I was in shock. Just complete horror. I know this man loves me. I know he wouldnt cheat on me (I thought) I read through some trying to recover from the shock but he was sitting right in front of me so "holy wtf is this, are you cheating on me??" came flying out of my mouth. He denied everything for a minute and things got messy. I was crying and yelled a few times, drank a half glass of whiskey in 15min (I dont drink) and cried some more. I was nice and drunk then he slowly walked it out.
He has feelings for men. Feelings he can't even discuss with himself. He grew up deep in the hood so it's not something that was ever encouraged. Hes fine with other people being gay or bisexual, hes not homophobic. But he never knew what to do with his own feelings. He swears on his mommas life he didnt cheat on me... this man LOVES his momma. I really really want to believe that.
He was packing at this point. He has no where to go, he was gonna get a hotel for the night. I told him he could stay on the couch cuz he would have to be back anyway to get his stuff. He cant get a hotel for a month while he figures out where to land that's dumb. His family is out of state. He has no one out here except me.
He is convinced this is over because now I know and we will never be the same. I agree we won't be the same but him liking men isnt a deal breaker for me. I like girls bc boobies... so I get it. I told him if this had been a conversation we might have been able to open this up to same sexes and figured out what that looked like.
So instead of discussing a possible break up, we kept drinking, ordered some chinese food, smoked a blunt and popped some molly and watched 2020 go fuck itself.
We talked all night, cried all night and he fucked me like a champion 3 times. Was really blissful, I haven't felt that connected to him in years. I sang him songs about how I dont like him and hes a butt face. But also reminded him I dont hate him. This was stupid but not malicious. Hes scared and confused. And he feels fucking terrible that he might have lost me.
So yea, I'm conflicted. He's my first love. I'm very hurt but I still love him. I dont know if I will ever believe he didnt cheat. He fucked up, he knows that. The night was so intense we have both decided that it's just not tomorrow yet. Because when it is, what then? Maybe I need to walk away so he can discover this part of himself. I just cant imagine my life without him.
Tldr: boyfriend is messaging men behind my back. Fuck 2020 some more.
Submitted January 01, 2021 at 03:29PM by throwrabisexual2020 https://ift.tt/2Ms2TeX
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