I (f30) just cannot handle this loneliness any more and I don't know what to do - something that has been with me years and years - forever one might say. Especially the romantic loneliness. I don't wanna have kids, I just want to be with someone - a monogamous relationship or date someone a bit longer for a start.
I know that I should go to therapy, but currently getting an access to a therapy is difficult. I cannot afford private & for cheaper options I'm not eligible since I'm still able to work and take care of myself.. And we are middle of pandemic so they need to help those who need more help - I'm still surviving.
Today I had a feeling that I have reached my limit. I work from home and just started crying a lot while working, and couldn't stop crying - 30 minutes before meeting. Luckily I was able to gather myself & didn't need to say a lot in the meeting.. And luckily we don't need to have the camera on.. The company I work for is very family-oriented. All people in my age are in serious relationships with kids or without kids so I'm often reminded of this other life.. And they sure are living other life - what's with this nonsense stereotype, that one might have, about IT-people living and being alone? Well okay I'm the example of that. (Of course I cannot know how their life is, everyone has their own problems and difficulties I'm fully aware of that - nobody is enjoying this current time). I remember one colleague asking in the beginning of pandemic whether I have family here so I lied to him and told him yes I have..
I live alone. I have never been in a relationship - nothing even close to it. I have done online dating and met people from different occasions in real life. I have acquaintances here. I have lived in this city couple of years and cannot go to a happening without running into someone I "know" from somewhere. Knowing meaning knowing their name and being able to have small chat. So I guess I have put myself out there a bit? Before this city/country I also lived in two other countries, that are not my country of origin so I have had many changes to meet someone (I have heard this so many times - people asking whether I'm moving/living in this specific country because of my spouse. No, I live here because I wanna live here and privileged to do so!)
I started to go on dates and hooking up at very late age - at 27. Never had sex with totally random - friend of a friend or met them couple of times for. One night stands always though, because they wanted that way, and can you even call those times even a sex? Sex is more than only penetration in my opinion so yes. I guess I mostly wanted the someone sleeping next to me - that feeling. Why at the age 27? Well no one was interested in me before - it never happened. Okay there was one time, I was 22 and it would have been drunk foursome between people I had known for some months. So yeah.
I have had my share of one-way-crushes and ghosting. I have tried online dating also last&this year, but when I use it I just feel disgusted. I feel like it's some kind of competition. Who's the most interesting and good-looking. The best pictures. I don't have that, I'm not good-looking.
This year also started with someone ghosting me and that thing hurt and still hurts and brought previous memories back very strongly..Yes I still get expectations and get excited while talking to someone - I should probably become totally heartless / cold / without expectations because every time it hurts. Ghosting hurts and I'm done with single life. I feel like I'm too sensitive for these games and everything.
So there's romantic loneliness. And then there's platonic loneliness - without real friends and family. But currently romantic loneliness hurts more, which is a bit silly.
Most of my relatives are dead, my parent - grandparents - aunts - you name it. Rest of them I'm not in contact (some wanna nothing to do with me... Things what happens when your parent dies and your half-siblings&relatives cut contact over some dollars). I have only contact with my other parent, who I haven't seen over a year. I have been bullied when I was younger in school and in my early twenties in university. So the only friends I have,I met in the end of my twenties, and most of them live in other country... And the people I have in this city are mostly acquittances. Some friends, that I had in this city, ghosting happened/we grew apart (ghosting in platonic relationships also happens, "yay!")
So I guess one can say that I'm very accustomed being alone and lonely. 30 years of that - I don't want that any more, never wanted. When someone is bullied in schools - people might say when you are adult you will show them - you won't be alone - you won't be bullied any more. You will be something great.. What about then when you actually are an adult and you go on days without talking to anyone - unless you write to them. You become a ghost, but still being able become ghosted, and that will make you feel like even more that you are absolutely nothing & disgusting & ugly inside-out. You just wake up, make breakfast and open your computer and start working. Then 8 hours later you stop working and then you go for a walk (it's lockdown here) and do domestic work and then you go to sleep... The only difference without corona and lockdown is that I don't have go to the office - other than that my life would be pretty much the same, who am I kidding?
I have been to the therapy before, and back then I needed therapy to handle the death of my parent and everything around it. And it helped but I didn't feel comfortable talking about the other things and then I moved to other town and in the end another country - country where I currently live...
I don't talk about these thing with anyone - and especially during this pandemic it's difficult. Part of me keeps telling me "why are you complaining about this, you ungrateful piece of sßß!! People are losing their jobs, beloveds - everything. The world is a hell for most of us. And here you are crying over your loneliness while being one of the lucky ones working and being able to pay the rent" (I was without a job for years - I keep telling myself how privileged and lucky I am)
TL:DR:
F30 - feeling so lonely and alone, that I cannot handle it and don't know what to do. I keep crying and feeling worthless. No real relationships, no really lasting friendships.
Submitted January 07, 2021 at 12:41PM by NewWordsForYou https://ift.tt/39cxkO0
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