So, long story short, we have been having relationship problems for a while.
From the start, I told him I would not tolerate cheating. I told him if he ever wanted to cheat, to just please break up with me. I've never been cheated on before, but I just never wanted to be disrespected or go through something like that.
We live together, and have disagreements about things like the kitchen (how to organize it, what food to have in the pantry, etc).
We went through a traumatic event 2 years and things haven't been the same since.
We used to have an open relationship, but closed it back up a year ago in March 2018. He promised me he would NOT speak to anyone on kik in a sexual manner anymore, send anyone pictures, or have sex with anyone else.
We haven't had sex since May 2018..not because of me, but because of him. He does not want to. I actually stopped initiating because I always was told no. He told me he wasn't interested in sex with anyone, and promised me that it didn't have anything to do with me.
Yesterday, I needed a memory card to take pictures with, so I took the one that was in *my* camera out of it. My boyfriend had been using my camera, so I wasn't sure if the memory card in there was his or mine, or the size of it as it didn't say on the card. So I popped it into my laptop. Five videos popped up on my screen of my boyfriend and a woman having sex in a hotel. I knew it was recent because the videos were dated December 2018 - and in addition he had a tattoo, one he got with me in the beginning of our relationship.
I was shocked, to say the least. Shaking, heart pounding, felt like I was going to pass out. I watched the videos. I had to see/know. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. They had sex for about 3 hours, in bed and in the shower. He called her pretty. It was very graphic. I felt like he made out with her and touched her in ways he never did with me.
I always respect and value people's privacy. I never go through anyone's things, even if I have suspicions of something not being right. But this was basically SHOWN to me .... I didn't ask to see it... and I knew at that point I couldn't trust him anymore to tell me the truth. I had to go search myself to find out what was really going on, if there was more, if this was a one off.... so I searched through his things. I found a hard drive that had over 300GB of porn and other sexual footage. Including videos of him with this woman (the same videos, but he had edited them with imovie).
I could see he had watched the videos multiple times in April and even that morning. In addition, he was watching sex videos of him and his past partners - including his ex-wife. I was so shocked. So hurt. I couldn't - and still can't - fully comprehend any of this.
He came home and I confronted him.I asked him how long he had been cheating on me. He said what????
I told him I saw the videos. He immediately dropped the lie and admitted it. He told me he had only had sex with her one time, even though he filmed it and kept watching the videos. He told me he met her in summer 2018 (so after we closed our relationship) and had stopped talking to her a FEW WEEKS AGO (on kik)!!!!
I told him then that I saw his hard drive. He got incredibly mad and told me that I invaded his privacy and he had lost trust in me.
I demanded to see his phone - which I later learned was wrong of me, according to various articles - and he refused. I asked to see it, because he seems suspicious about it sometimes...freaking out when I touch it. He told me to fuck off and said I have absolutely no right to see his phone. He said he has the right to his privacy. He asked if I was extorting him, because I told him I had his hard drive. He demanded the hard drive back. I refused. I felt totally sick at the idea of GIVING HIM BACK videos of him CHEATING on me.
I brought up how he called her pretty - he said to me, well she is pretty. ???????? who says that to their PARTNER OF 3 YEARS after being caught cheating. Just...stunned.
He now insists on moving out, because he can't live with me anymore as he has lost trust and doesn't believe I won't invade his privacy anymore.
I feel like this is a sick joke.
He is the one that cheated one me, and lied to me about it, betrayed me...yet all he can focus on is his goddamn hard drive full of sexual pics/videos and how I invaded HIS privacy.
In addition, when we talked about this last night, he brought up a whole bunch of problems that I thought we had resolved - like the kitchen thing, how he doesn't like that he feels he hasn't been able to contribute much to my life in terms of me achieving my goals, and how apparently he doesn't know if he would ever even want to have a kid with me (?????!!!!) because of how I deal with making important decisions. I felt so hurt hearing this, and honestly felt like he was trying to manipulate me and bring the focus off the cheating. The kid thing was bizarre, because I don't even want a kid right now - although I have told him I do want to get married and have a kid probably by the time I'm 40.
I still haven't returned his hard drive, and he is upset I invaded his privacy and is fearful I will extort him and blast his shit everywhere either now or later on in life. It really bothers me that he thinks I would do that to him. I would never intentionally hurt him - no matter how much he hurt me.
I meanwhile feel like my world has been shattered.
The past year has basically been a lie....and I've been betrayed and cheated on by the person who is supposed to love and care about me.
He did apologize for cheating on me. He said it was terrible, and he is truly sorry for hurting me. He said he did it because he was trying to feel good - because after the traumatic thing we went through, sex no longer feels good to him. He said he didn't enjoy sex with the woman he cheated on me with at all. (In the videos though it looks like he enjoyed it quite a lot....) Plus, why would he keep watching it?????? And demand the videos back?????
Last night I was crying about all of this and laid down next to him, and he asked if I wanted to have sex.
After no sex for a full year. Not even on my birthday. But after being caught cheating....suddenly into sex with me.
I want to trust him. I just don't know how to do it anymore.
I still love him - I still want a future with him....but I don't know how to move past this.
So at this point I don't know what to do.
Any suggestions/advice/thoughts are more than welcome.
Thank you for reading.
tl;dr boyfriend cheated, I invaded his privacy because I couldn't trust him to tell me the truth, he thinks his loss of privacy is worse than him cheating on me.
Submitted May 03, 2019 at 06:48PM by venice__bitch http://bit.ly/2YbjhRL
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