My [23/f] relationship with my husband [25/m] has become essentially void of intimacy and affection. I finally got answers about why and I don't know what to do with them.

The past two days have honestly been an absolute wreck. I'm very stressed and sleep deprived so I'm going to start at the beginning and try to articulate this properly. This is also going to be long because I really need to get all this out. It's been a hard several months.

My husband and I have been married for two years, dating for three years prior to that, and have been friends for a decade. When we first started dating, we had a lot of sex. Every time we saw each other, we would have sex. Intimacy outside the bedroom was fantastic, always holding hands, kisses, passing touches while doing our own thing. All typical of the honeymoon stage. Unfortunately during the early stages of the relationship, he cheated on me multiple times. We stayed together despite it and just tried our best to move on. He struggled with undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder for years (just recently got a diagnosis) so honestly the early years of our relationship were really rough. There was a lot of anger and manipulative tactics from him, that I admittedly did not respond to in an appropriate way either. We are both in therapy now and have made a lot of strides and have a healthy relationship now. However I do still struggle with thinking about how bad things used to be.

Now that the back story is out, I can move to the current issue. Eighteen months ago, we had our daughter. Naturally, intimacy died down a good bit because we were sleep deprived and stressed constantly. We still held hands, cuddled, showed random displays of affection, and had sex about once or twice a week. Which was fine with us. That stayed consistent for several months and I'd say things were pretty good.

At the end of last year, I was put on a medication that is very notorious for weight gain. I put on about twenty pounds, despite eating very healthy and exercising daily. This was stressful because my husband used to be very very into "fit girls" and even when I was 100lbs, still pushed for me to get abs/a big butt/be more fit. So it made me very self conscious over it. However, if anything, our sex life became even more active. Until it just didn't anymore. Four months ago, I noticed that suddenly my husband wasn't really receptive to my attempts to initiate sex or even simple things like rubbing his back while he sat on the couch. He just didn't seem very "there". At first I just chalked it up to stress and made a point to continue attempts at intimacy regardless. After all, part of a relationship is carrying more weight when your partner is struggling.

After about a month of me trying and him not responding, I brought up the conversation to him. I told him I didn't know what was going on but I was concerned because he seemed detached and not as affectionate seemingly out of nowhere. He got kind of defensive, which I didn't respond well to and got defensive back. It turned into an argument where I was grasping at straws, trying to understand what was happening, and he was saying hurtful things just out of anger. At one point, he tells me thaty weight gain was the only issue and that he didn't enjoy sex anymore. It hurt, especially because I "bounced back" after having a baby and even though I've gained weight due to the meds (that I am still desperately trying to lose), I wear it well and am healthy. That unfortunately made me shut down, especially as I have a history of eating disorders that he is well aware of, and I just spent the rest of the night crying by myself. The next day, we talked, and he confessed that what he said about my weight was complete bullshit and he just said it to be hurtful and "win" the fight. It sucked but he apologized and we just sort of moved forward. He said he'd work on being more affectionate and to just give it time.

Another month passed and nothing had changed. If anything, he had gotten more distant. We went from sex once a week to every other week. The only real physical affection was a hug when he came in from work and a goodnight kiss, like clockwork. There would still be occasional sprinkling of affection but it was rare. When we had the first conversation/argument over this, I made a goal to continue to try and keep up with intimacy. I decided that twice a week, I would try to initiate sex and I would be affectionate to him really at any chance I was given, even just a simple hand on his waist when walking by him. Just small shows of love. The sexual advances were almost always turned down, which was fine. It would be greeted with a "okay babe" and I'd just move on. Sometimes I'd be a little bummed out but I'd never pressure him or make him feel bad about it.

I brought it up again, and it was a more calm discussion than the last time. I just told him that I felt that things had actually gotten worse instead of better and that I was concerned about him. Told him that if something was going on, I was here to listen. Encouraged him to talk with his therapist about whatever was bothering him to help him get through it. He told me that nothing was wrong, he was just in a funk. Said he hadn't been sleeping well (he's getting a sleep study done soon but has had issues sleeping well his whole life) and that he didn't realize he wasn't being "present". During this time, he also started becoming emotionally detached. Our daily interactions felt very rehearsed. He'd text me on his lunch break, we'd basically have the same conversation each day, he'd come home from work in the evening, we'd sit at the table and I'd listen to him tell me about his day, he'd shower, then we'd go to bed. On weekends when he's off, things would be a little better. Sometimes we'd go out or do things as a family, but it started to feel more and more like I was hanging out with my best friend as opposed to my husband. At this point I was starting to get burnt out from trying and trying to get our intimacy back but I kept trying.

Now fast forward to about a week ago. Nothing has changed. He still insisted nothing was wrong or going on. I am feeling very dejected and lonely on a daily basis because my husband has turned into my roommate. We've had sex four times in the past two and a half months. (I want to interject and say I am very into sex when we have it. I love foreplay, I'll do any position known to man, I dirty talk, I'll indulge in almost any kink. So it's not like it's "in the dark no eye contact missionary") I'm kind of at the point where I'm losing hope to try anymore and just willing to accept that, for whatever reason, intimacy is just not an active part of my marriage. Two days ago, I woke up with it weighing heavy on my heart. I was not in a good mood and unfortunately it was obvious. My husband asked why I was in a bad mood, so I told him. I told him that I felt like he had checked out of the marriage. Like he didn't enjoy being around me or being intimate with me and that I've tried to get to the bottom of it but nothing has seemed to work. I explained that I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me that was making me undesirable and that I was scared that he was keeping some big secret from me about why he's been so distant. This led to things getting heated and him getting defensive and it kind of went off the rails for a while. Once we both calmed down, he told me he would tell me what was going on. So I thought "thank God, finally I can know what's been going on with him and we can tackle it together!". So I'm prepared for him to drop some huge bomb on me, ready to work through whatever it is.

And he tells me that the reason he's been distant and unaffectionate is... He's just had other things to worry about other than our relationship. I'm kind of dumbfounded at this point because first off, our relationship will always be one of my top priorities, and second, we don't really have other things to worry about. When I asked if he could tell me what the other things are, he said he was worried about our vehicle situation. That confused me because we are privileged enough to have two working vehicles, neither of which we have to make payments on. Neither have any immediate mechanical issues. Both are, all things considered, in working condition. So I press, and he tells me it's because he wants better vehicles. Which, okay, I understand, but we're not in a position to get another vehicle right now, which we have already discussed at length. So now I'm trying to process how my husband has been basically absent for almost four months, all due to the fact that he doesn't like the vehicles we have. Or because he can't make time for me? Or both? Okay, we move forward because at least I have an answer I guess? He agrees to work more on being more affectionate and present, we hug, we go to bed.

I wake up the next day (yesterday), ready to just move forward and hope for the best. We have a pretty good day, go swimming at my moms house, he's been more affectionate that usual, awesome! I'm feeling as hopeful as I guess someone can in my situation. Then on the ride home, somehow sex gets brought up in conversation, and he tells me that evidently the only reason he has sex with me lately is because I've been guilt tripping him. Which immediately makes me feel absolutely horrible. He tells me that he's only been saying yes because he doesn't feel like he can say no. So now I'm in complete panic mode because I feel like some sort of monster. I'm desperately trying to think of what I could have done to make him feel this way, absolutely hating myself. Even posted on reddit, desperate for advice. Deleted the post because I didn't want people to know how awful of a person I was. It's important to note that I have been a victim of sexual violence several times in my life, so to hear that I was essentially coercing him into sex and making him feel like he couldn't say no was absolutely sickening. I was almost sick to my stomach, thinking that I was some sort of abuser.

I finally get my shit together enough to ask him if he could tell me what I've done to make him feel that way so I could better understand it. And then he tells me that once or twice I've seemed "kinda bummed" after he turned down sex and that he "didn't want to set me off" by saying no. I have literally NEVER gotten upset or mad at anyone for not wanting physical contact. Not even close. Have I been a little sad over it? Sure. But I have never pushed it once someone made it clear they weren't into it. I asked for clarification, if he felt I was guilt tripping him (so doing it intentionally) or if he just felt guilty about not wanting sex. He told me that he felt guilty for not wanting to have sex but that "he doesn't know who gave him that guilt" and that "for all he knows, I could be making him feel guilty." So now I'm more confused and still kind of disgusted with myself. He tells me that, while he sometimes enjoys it, he just does it so that he doesn't have to "end up having this exact conversation". Which absolutely kills me because I hate that he felt it was easier to just have sex with me than to talk to me. And it makes me (selfishly) feel undesirable and unwanted, since evidently there hasn't been any actual sexual attraction from him, just guilt.

He also tells me that being affectionate towards took "every ounce of energy that he had" and that it was why he was so tired all day. So I guess that made me feel unlovable, like it was some draining chore to be with me. And I know that's selfish because this is about him and his issue. But I just want to be honest, that's how it made me feel. At this point the conversation just sort of desolved and he went to bed. I stayed up way too late, crying and binge watching Netflix, because honestly I feel heartbroken. He keeps telling me that either we fix things or we get a divorce. That's his answer to almost any issue. But it's starting to feel like his version of "fixing" things is me just getting over them and learning to live with them. He tells me I should just be happy that he's not a rageaholic anymore than that we're not having huge fights anymore. And I am happy that things aren't like that anymore. But sometimes it feels like we have the same issues, just calmer. I'm dreading him texting me on his lunch break. I'm dreading him coming home. It's easier to feel alone when you're actually alone. Feeling alone when you're inches from your spouse makes it feel like there's a black hole in your chest.

I don't know how to fix this. I'm too embarrassed to seek advice from any friends or a close family member. I don't want anyone to know that I spend my days feeling unwanted and lonely. I can't help but feel like a failure, like I should have done something better or different and I wouldn't be in this situation. Even if he suddenly goes back to normal, how do I get over the fact that my husband flat out told me that he just doesn't have time for me? Or knowing that every time we've had sex has simply been out of obligation, not desire? How do I enjoy his touch when I know that it takes all his energy to do it? Or do I just be grateful that I'm getting those things, even if they're not coming from the right place? I'd give anything in the world to have my loving marriage back.

Tl;dr husband has become increasingly distant for months. Finally got answers from him as to why and it boils down to him not having time for me, having sex out of guilt and obligation, and that affection requires too much energy. Don't know how to come back from this or how to fix it.

Submitted May 29, 2019 at 07:54AM by creepycreepercreepin http://bit.ly/2VUPXgI