Brother [29M] pressuring me [20F] to give my mom [47F] money.

Hey everyone, apologies for any formatting, as I'm on mobile! For the sake of anonymity, I'm gonna call my brother "H".

Just some background: I'm not very close to my family. I stay with my family when I'm home from college, but often leave to spend time with my boyfriend as we're long distance during the school year. Additionally, if I stay home for too long, something ends up snowballing into an argument after the magic of me coming home wears off. My mother, particularly, has been physically abused by my biological father when we were younger, but we left him when I was four years old. This potentially manifested itself in some (undiagnosed but suspected) mental illnesses that my mother never sought help for. This led to a very tumultuous relationship between my mother and I, as I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, which is something she doesn't believe in. She would also say very damaging things to me growing up, commenting on my weight, style, likes, comparing me to other girls/daughters, constantly criticizing me even though I'd be at school from 6am-6pm, etc. Then, she'd expect me to love and worship her. She's done a lot for me but she's also done a lot of damaging things to my self esteem and overall mental health, as well as body considering I self harmed a lot for years.

Just the other day she told me that she wanted to adopt another daughter so she could "not repeat the same mistakes she made with me", and wouldn't stop saying it, even when she saw I was crying. In my hysterical state, I yelled "This was the reason I went away for college!". Even then, she kept going on about it while I was crying hard. She ended up apologizing but also said I took it the wrong way. All of this started over me telling her not to open my mail, especially when it's a check, to which she said "I'm your mother, if I want to open your mail, I'll do whatever the hell I want".

Also, I go to college and make the Dean's List every semester, but I also work three jobs to give myself money for clothes, supplies, food, and anything in between. I don't party so that's not an expense, but I do like buying myself something nice (and by "nice", I mean something in the double digits) on occasion. I work hard and I'm very burnt out most of the time, as it's EXHAUSTING. My mom constantly chastises me and underestimates my hard work because I didn't join the military, which she constantly pushes for. However, she likes money and a theme I've noticed is that she doesn't judge my brothers as much: either because they're boys, they joined the military, they give her money, or all of the above. My mom works for the public transportation system here, so she makes a good amount of money, yet she praises my oldest brother because he chose the career she wanted him to choose and he gives her money. (I want to obtain my doctorate in Political Science, but I guess that's not good enough.) I simply don't make enough to support myself AND give her money on the side. The moment my family found out I started making a bit of money, they stopped giving me any support entirely.

Onto the actual situation: today, I got a check in the mail. It was a hefty one, and my brother set it aside for me, giving it to me this morning. I opened it, happy that I got money, as I was running low on it. My brother, "H", saw the check and its amount ($200) and began "joking" that I should give mom money. I laughed it off, but then he brought it up several other times and was seriously. He said "Give her at least $20 so she doesn't feel bad". I said no for a couple of reasons:

1. She feels an entitlement to what I earn and I don't want to feed that habit. What I earned is what I earned and it's hard enough to be told that I'm "not doing enough" by her even though I often put my needs before my school work and jobs just to one day hear her say that she's proud of me.

2. If she finds out I have money, and I give her some of this check, she'll expect a portion of every check I get. She's opened my mail and checks before, stating that she's my mom and deserves to. We've reached a good point where she doesn't open it anymore, but if I give her some of my check, I fear she'll start opening my checks again and feel entitled to it.

3. The second I had a stable bank account, she started asking for loans. I'm talking loans in the range of $200-$700. She isn't great with her money; She sends most of it to family in Mexico but leaves herself without any money, or she spends it on stuff to send to Mexico. My family in Mexico isn't rich, but they also aren't dirt poor. She then begs/guilts me into "loans", pestering me for hours saying things such as "I'm your mom", "Please my love, I love you so much", "Okay then I'm not gonna give you any money if you ever need it", "You always put your boyfriend before me, I'm your mother", "You're going to regret it when I die one day". This is why I don't want her finding out that I have money.

My brother has had a different experience with my mom, as he's a boy in a Hispanic family and was never told to clean up after himself or to lose weight, or that he's not doing enough. However, now he's pressuring/guilting me into giving money to my mom. Am I being too greedy with my money? Please provide some clarity.

Tl;Dr: Rocky relationship with mom, as she's contributed to the detriment of my own mental health. Often feels entitled to my money that I work three jobs to make. Oldest brother is now guilting me into giving her money, and I don't want to. Am I being greedy?

Edit for clarification:

1. I live in a dorm as a resident assistant, which covers my room and board, so my mom doesn't pay for my schooling as financial aid covers my tuition.

2. I don't pay rent, as I'm home for maybe a week every few months or so. Over the summer, I do chores or help buy some groceries, but I spend most of my time out of the apartment to prevent arguments. This means I don't eat many meals at home. I also occasionally buy things that everyone in the apartment can use (ie today I'm gonna buy pillows and bedding stuff to help cushion my stay on the floor. The apartment has two sofas that my mom and brother sleep on, so I have to sleep on the floor, which hurts my back).

3. My brother gives my mom money, which is why he wants me to give my mom money: she equates love with money and earnings, so I contribute the least and, therefore, I get the least praise in the household. From my perspective, I work hard but my family tends to not feel the same way.

Submitted May 29, 2019 at 10:01AM by dulcetdreamer http://bit.ly/30Q166h