I (35/F) feel blindsided by a discussion about kids with my husband (38/M) the other night and don’t know how to move forward.

Throwaway. Long.

Background:

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 8. We have one daughter who is now 2 years old. We weren’t one of those couples that 100% knew they always wanted kids. We talked about kids being nice, 2 kids being our absolute max, but we’d also be happy if we didn’t have kids. We decided to try and I got pregnant fairly easily a few years ago. We have our daughter who is wonderful and I love her so much.

That said, I do not want more kids. The pregnancy wasn’t so bad, but the labor was hell and I had to have multiple surgeries to fix the damage from giving birth. I am still not 100% back to where I was and sex can still be uncomfortable at times but has gotten so much better. My doctor also recommended that if I have another child, I should have a c-section, which is also not something I want.

On top of that, and maybe equally or more relevant is that while my daughter is objectively a very easy baby, sleeps well, eats well, etc., parenting her has been the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. I think I’m a good mom and I don’t think I let my anxiety infect my relationship with her too much, but I do not want to add another kid to the mix as that would be even more stress. We’re finally getting into a good financial position and having another kid would really damage that (childcare is freakin’ expensive). Just thinking about having another kid makes me feel overwhelmed. Like starting over from scratch.

I had told my husband pretty soon after we had our daughter that I didn’t think I wanted more. He said that was fine and he was happy with one. I’ve periodically checked in with him about how he was feeling because my feelings haven’t changed and in fact I’ve just become more adamant. Every time we’ve talked about it he’s agreed or at least said that was good with him, if not with the same conviction as me.

Until the other night. It was not a planned conversation. In fact, it came up because we were talking about the terrible anti-abortion laws that our state just passed and I asked what would we do if I got pregnant (I’m on birth control but accidents happen). He seemed to get really uncomfortable and said that it’s not something we needed to talk about. I said I wanted to talk about it so that I knew we were on the same page. I asked him how he would feel if I wanted an abortion. He kind of skirts the question but then starts talking about how he’s worried our daughter will be lonely if she’s an only child and how we’re pretty introverted so he’s afraid that will influence how she acts around others and make her isolated. These are all things we’ve talked about before but he’s never been so adamant about it. He then starts saying stuff about if we got pregnant now they wouldn’t be that far apart in age and that he misses some parts of when are daughter was a baby.

I felt really blindsided by this and was quiet for a long time. I told him again that I didn’t want to disappoint him but that I really didn’t want more children and all the reasons why. He said that maybe I should go to counseling to deal with some of the trauma from labor and delivery and the anxiety leftover from when she was an infant. I agreed with that but said I didn’t want to go to counseling just to be okay with having another kid. He insisted that’s not what he meant and just wants me to feel less anxious. We ended the conversation by him saying that if we only ever have our daughter he will be perfectly happy and he loves our little family.

I keep thinking about that conversation and want to go back to it but I’m not sure how. He has points about her growing up an only child but I feel those points are outweighed by the other factors I mentioned. Plus, I just don’t want another child. He kept on asking me why and the truth is, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to go through it all again. Because it’s hard and stressful.

What scares me is that he says he’s fine and happy but I worry he will resent me down the line. I brought this up and insisted that he would never resent me. My biggest fear is that he will actually convince me to do it. Because he is very good at convincing me and I’ve traditionally been the go along to get along one in our relationship. But I don’t want to be convinced. Not on this.

So reddit, what do I do? Do I just leave it? Do I take him at his word that he will be happy with just one? Do I ask him to come to counseling with me? I love our family very much and I’m not going to deny that there’s something a little selfish in not wanting more kids, but I think I want to be a little selfish.

TLDR: Husband unexpectedly brought up having another child which is something I don’t want. Where do we go from here?

Submitted May 30, 2019 at 07:21AM by NoBaby2 http://bit.ly/2Mfjkun