I [27/F] have to see my ex [26/M] every day and am getting frustrated with his judgement of my current BF [28/M]. Doesn't listen when I tell him it's really over.

Throwaway as ex reddits a lot.

My ex and I met in our final year of university where we were both chemistry majors. We had both landed jobs in our field and wanted to eventually return for graduate studies. We dated for three years and in that time, we both worked, studied for the GRE, gained admission to the same program and started studying. We also went from a normal, stable, happy relationship to a complete mess. I hate to save my sanity and I dumped him. We're still in the same PhD program (and will be for at least another few years). The problem stems from the fact that I am in a relationship with someone my ex feels is a personal attack on him.

​

My ex boyfriend's father is a renowned chemist and my ex was always around chemists/chemistry. It made sense that he got into that field, but it's clear that it's not what he's passionate about (frankly, I don't think he really has any passions, sadly). I have always loved the field and want to be involved knowing that I'll probably never get a tenure-track teaching job. My goal is to work in labs and to teach classes where/when I can. There are a lot of jobs I can do and I know I won't be making a huge amount of money, but I love the field. We bonded over chemistry and despite being very different people and what I thought was a good, strong relationship. He's a lot more introverted, quiet and serious where I'm outgoing and very bubbly. He has issues about his size - he's only about 5'8 (I'm just a smidge shorter at 5'6) and a thin guy. We're both fairly athletic, but I do it to keep fit and he does it to get out his emotions. Ex lacks confidence and would see anything that I did to enrich myself or learn something new as a rejection of him, that I somehow think I was smarter or "better" than him, he would get very defensive when I would attend a lecture or take one of those classes. Current boyfriend is the opposite - he readily admits he knows nothing of chemistry and frames it that we have very different professional interests/skill sets but that doesn't make one of us better/smarter, just different. I think that's a healthier way to approach it.

​

Anyway, ex has struggled with personal issues and he deals by not dealing. After our first year in our program we were all told of internship, lab exchange and professional development opportunities we should take advantage of knowing how hard the academic market is. Most of us took almost all of the options available. I took professional training courses, took career workshops and did an internship/exchange. Ex did nothing - he thought it was all too silly and didn't do any of it. He just tinkered away on his project and doing his lab work and never bothered. Last summer I went to New York City for a summer exchange where I worked for a company half the week and in a lab half the week, it was amazing! Before I left I attended a start-up night where I met people from the business and engineering schools. It's where I met James - current BF. We were seated together and I learned his was an MBA-MPA candidate and had impressive experience and was also going to NYC for an internship. We agreed to meet for coffee in NYC.

​

Ex became really upset that I was going. He felt that it wasn't warranted and that I was "abandoning" him; I told him he could come, take the bus/train to NYC and see me anytime he wanted and we'd keep in touch via Skype/FaceTime and could speak every day (edited to make sense). The summer was tough, I was having a great professional opportunity mired because he was also so annoyed with me. I felt like I was his psychologist. He had become someone who was angry all the time and very dubious of me. He never believed when I said I wasn't seeing other people or cheating, and he frequently asked me. I felt like his caretaker and less like his girlfriend. He was always sulking and was not doing anything. He visited me a few times in NY - he only worked a few days a week and could easily come more often but only made it twice the whole summer. When I got back home, the apartment we shared was filthy. He hadn't cleaned it once in 3 months. It was full of dirty, grime and old food containers. Laundry hadn't been done since I left and was disgusting. I was at my limit. I told him he needed to clean this up and get help, but he refused. He kept saying that I was interested in other men and that I had probably even cheated while in New York and that it was his lot in life. I ended it right there. I had enough. I moved out of the sty, stayed with friends and got my own place.

​

I think my ex thought this was temporary and I'd come to my senses. He would occasionally ask me to talk about things and so we "could work on us" and wasn't hearing that it was over. He'd ask me to lunch or dinner or "assume" we had plans together when it was clear we were broken up. Through coincidence, I met up with James at a similar event night where we had met the first time. Nothing happened, but we saw each other for coffee thereafter and the attraction was very strong. James is the opposite of my ex - he's very driven and ambitious; he has a plan and knows how to make is way there. We also share a lot of interests. Ex's favorite activity was to do nothing: Go to a museum, sit and comment on the people who walked by. Ex lacked ambition, motivation and drive. James doesn't lack that. He's also a lot more upbeat and doesn't think that every set back/issue/obstacle is some cosmic force screwing him over. We started dating in October and kept it very quiet. I told my ex sometime in the spring that I was seeing someone else and that it was getting more serious and he should know.

​

He immediately accused me of picking the opposite of him - James is very tall, has a full head of hair (James is a very hairy person in general) and is very driven. Ex saw it as an attack on him rather than a new relationship and is convinced we had sex during my time in NYC. I saw James twice in NYC - once for coffee and once for a sandwich as we worked near each other. The last 3 months have become incredibly difficult. We work in close proximity and it's been infuriating listen to the ex wallow, make sarcastic comments about relationships or how "the only sex he'll have again is if he pays for it." He still thinks "there's a chance" for us. I'm not good at confrontation and if I reported him to the professors, they'd boot him from the program and he'd be screwed. I am not a wizard with handling these kinds of situations and need help in conveying reality to my ex and getting him to back off while also creating a situation where I can feel comfortable showing James where I work/what I do.

​

I'm not sure how to handle this, but I'm growing fed-up of having to manage my ex and want to sort this out once and for all. I feel like meeting him for dinner/lunch would be a mistake but the words I use don't seem to convey the reality of the situation.

​

tl;dr Ex is happy being unambitious and angry about life. He is difficult and as a result we weren't compatible. We broke up and he doesn't seem to accept that there isn't a future and swings between seeing if we can work "on us" to making sarcastic, pitiful comments about how his life is ruined/won't ever find love/was burned by "another girl" (me). Need help managing this.

Submitted May 30, 2019 at 07:29AM by EffectiveStreet2 http://bit.ly/2W1lBZX