My fiancé (29M) of 8 years and I (36F) Is this inappropriate or am I overreacting?
Hi everyone, long time lurker, first time poster. Looking for advice on a reaccuring problem... Thank you for your time :).
Some background: I have been with my fiancé for eight years. We are the loves of each other's lives, and have been through thick and thin together. He's always told me he is ready to marry whenever I like (marriage has never been a huge thing for me, and we both have intense, time consuming jobs so isn't been a huge priority for us). We love the same things and both work in the arts. I would do anything to for him and am always consciously trying to help him achieve his goals and make him proud. While most problems can be talked through without much drama, there is one reaccuring problem that really hurts me and I don't know what to do... Here is the most recent incarnation of it..
About 6 months ago I saw my fiancé liking and chatting with a woman on Instagram. Note: we use each others phones all the time and he has even given me his phone to travel with when mine broke and I travelled for work, I don’t care if he uses my phone if his dies and vice versa. But when I noticed this new girl popping up up I checked out her page and this is where I got upset. Not only is her entire “brand” based on sex and has a porn star aesthetic (even though she’s a musician) and all of her posts reference sex/show nudity, he had liked a pic that showed nothing but a close up of her boobs. I could also see he was watching all of her stories. He was interested in her to say the least.
I was really upset and confronted him. Instead of hearing me out and understanding or apologizing for hurting me we had a huge fight. No matter how I explained why this was inappropriate to me, his stance was “we work with the same publisher and I didn’t even realize I liked that photo- I was just scrolling and liking her pics to be friendly”. I told him that there were a lot of people out there but this hyper sexual woman was a poor choice of a new friend when he has a fiancé and partner of 8 years. The fight didn’t end for days, and he finally relented and said he would cut contact with her if it made me feel uncomfortable. Mind you, he never agreed that it was inappropriate.
Fast forward to yesterday, I use his phone while mine is charging and see he’s texting her, saying he saw she was in town and they should get together and work. She agreed and he said “just tell me the time and place and I’m there” which seems flirty and again, inappropriate, given her “brand” and the history.
I handed him the phone and said “this is not okay and I need some space” and proceeded to try and leave the house. He started arguing with me, saying he wasn’t liking pictures so he didn’t do anything wrong. I was crying and kept asking him why he would do something he knew would hurt me, and he just kept defending himself, which actually hurt more than the texting itself. The fact that he couldn’t see my perspective and had no regrets was very upsetting for me.
After a huge fight, he took a walk, came home and said he was sorry if that hurt me because he wasn’t trying to hurt me, that was not his intention. His apology meant little to me because once again, he’s sorry “if he upset me” but was not sorry for the act itself.
This kind of instagram/text (IMO) flirtinessvwith other women has been a problem in the past. He’s also had one women send him sexy pictures in her bra and when I freaked out and expected him to say “I’m in a relationship, please don’t send me photos like this”, he said he wanted to be “nice and not hurt her feelings”. What about my feelings???
I just don’t get his viewpoint. I can’t tell if he is that insensitive that he doesn’t see why I’m upset, or he knows it’s wrong but just doesn’t want to confront it. I start to wonder if I’m crazy for feeling upset by this and these argument are all my fault...
We have been talking about trying for a baby in the next year and I can’t imagine being pregnant and having incident like this happen. Even though they aren’t frequent, once is too much for me. When we first started dating I told him my first bf had cheated three times and that I promised myself I’d never cheat or be with anyone that made me feel uncomfortable about their fidelity.
It’s hard because he has never cheated (that I know about - but I highly doubt it) and says he loves me/is romantic/helpful/ all those good things. But I feel like I either accept he is going to spend the rest of his life interacting with women this way or I break up with him, which is awful to think about. Our entire lives are intertwined. :/
If you made it this far I appreciate your time and thank you for any advice given. <3
TL:DR: My fiancé texts/talks online with women in a way that I think is inappropriate but he disagrees and feels he's not doing anything wrong.
edit: spelling
Submitted May 29, 2019 at 09:54PM by lolashowme14 http://bit.ly/2YYAuOG
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