He’s the only person I’ve ever dated, kissed, etc. We have been together for six years. He always teased me about being attracted to women before I ever recognized it myself. I guess I recognized that he was the only man I was ever attracted to, but I just thought this was normal. Over time, I started getting more concerned as my friends talked about how hot guys were because I could never understand or relate.
Finally, last year, I recognized my attraction when I went abroad and met a woman, and nothing ever happened, but there were several times she dropped clear hints and I anxiously shut her down. But I was clearly attracted to her — not just sexually, but romantically. I wanted to hold her hand, fall asleep in the same bed, and little moments with her felt magical. As much as I fell in love with this magic, I was equally concerned that I was emotionally cheating.
When I returned home, I told my fiancé everything. It took me a long time to say it out loud. He immediately said “Oh, it’s okay,” and pulled me into a hug. He said he always knew I was attracted to women, but it wasn’t a big deal to him. I told him about my concerns for emotional cheating, and he said it didn’t matter to him. He said that he found it attractive that I like women, and I could explore my sexuality if I wanted to as long as I told him beforehand.
Since then, we’ve had other conversations about the topic. I’ve expressed my concerns that he only sees this as a hot sexual fantasy thing and doesn’t see the possibility of romantic feelings developing. We even had a moment where I almost left the relationship because I thought I was simply a lesbian and it wouldn’t work out. He stopped me before I left and broke down crying, telling me that he would love me even if we never have sex. He said his love goes beyond that, and he thought it did for me too. I stayed.
He’s tried to incorporate things sexually as well, like watching lesbian porn, or letting me pretend to perform oral sex on a girl while we have sex ... but I’m more interested in the fantasy than our connection. And that feels wrong.
I don’t understand how he can be okay with this, because I’m not, and I feel like I’m lying somehow — to him and to myself. I think we will work out and live happily as partners, but then sex comes around and I’m not into it, or I find myself wanting to spend time with a woman instead. I don’t understand because I definitely enjoyed sex with him before, and when we were teenagers, I thought we would marry and live happily together.
But now, I don’t know. And I don’t know where to go from here because when I have tried to tell him that I think I’m gay and it won’t work out, I end up feeling guilty for wanting to leave because love should go beyond physical contact and appearance. And it does, in some ways. I love him and he is my best friend. Yet there’s something else I feel like is missing, and that’s so unfair to stay in a relationship when you feel that way.
TLDR: I think I’m gay, but I have told my fiancé and he thinks we can live happily as partners anyway. I feel conflicted and don’t know what to do.
Submitted May 01, 2019 at 08:52PM by Hguppy http://bit.ly/2V6cg7D
No comments:
Post a Comment