TLDR: Am I selfish for not wanting to constantly give in to my husbands demands for sexual activity?
My husband (40M) and I (38F) have been together almost 20 years (since I was 17). We have 5 kids. We almost never fight about money or the kids or chores, but we fight about sex all the time. He travels a lot for work, sometimes weeks or months on end, and while he is gone it is a constant battle because he is horny literally all of the time and I don’t meet his needs to his standards. He wants pics and videos and sexting on the regular and I’m here trying to take care of his kids and those things just aren’t my thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never do those things, I just don’t do them often enough to keep him happy (which would be daily). In person we have a very active sex life. Even after 20 years we still have sex 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. He’s admittedly developed a porn addiction (which he “jokingly” claims is my fault for not giving him what he wants) and his sexual desires just keep getting kinkier and kinkier and he gets annoyed that I won’t give into his fantasies. I’m far from a prude, and I do a lot of things for him that just aren’t my jam, but everyone has limits and there are some things I just won’t cave on (like threesomes) and our sex life is faaaaar from vanilla. I just don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to be at his beck and call for sex, especially when he’s not here and sexting, videos, and pictures do nothing for me. I feel like it’s 2019 and my value as a wife and person does not end and begin with satisfying his needs.
He isn’t speaking to me today because last night he was trying to initiate sexting and I wasn’t feeling well and was ready for bed. He asked for a topless picture, I sent it, and then told him goodnight. I feel like sending the picture was me trying to meet him halfway but nothing is ever good enough unless I completely cave and give into what he wants. And if I don’t, it’s always “If you loved me...” which I feel is total emotional manipulation. I’m never allowed to not be in the mood. When he’s home if I want sex and he doesn’t, that’s it, we don’t have sex. But if he wants sex and I don’t, well, I can expect the silent treatment the next day.
I feel like our relationship is me constantly trying to meet his needs and failing because nothing is ever enough. Meanwhile, my needs aren’t being met either. He never does anything even remotely romantic or even thoughtful, he never does or says anything to make me feel special or appreciated. Compliments are limited strictly to “You’re hot.” I told him recently that maybe I’d be more likely to give into him more often if he put in more effort, like sent me a love note instead of just countless emails telling me the things he wants to do to me. He told me there’s a box full of love letters in the garage from when we were dating and maybe I should just go read those. (FTR, those letters are also just full of him saying how much he wants me physically).
Part of me thinks “I should be happy he’s coming to me to meet his needs instead of trying to find someone else.” And part of me thinks that mindset is from years of him making me feel like he’s doing me some sort of favor by not cheating on me despite my failings, but logically I know that keeping him faithful is his responsibility, not mine.
Is this just what a typical man thinks and expects? We’ve been together so long and he is obviously my only serious relationship and at this point I honestly don’t know if he’s gaslighting me or if I am genuinely just being selfish. Thoughts?
Submitted April 27, 2019 at 01:13PM by StormsBrewInHerEyes http://bit.ly/2Vy7UW9
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