My girlfriend [27F] assumed I was cheating and harmed my professional reputation [29M]. Am I being too harsh in response?

I was abroad for work with minimal access to phone/internet except at the hotel, and she knew that. One night I was out late drinking with colleagues. No funny business was going on, honestly just drinking, having a few laughs and discussing our line of work. Girlfriend assumed I was out cheating, which while incorrect, it's not totally unreasonable to assume either as I'd probably worry too if she didn't contact me frequently if the situation were reversed. Edit: my point is not that I think it's acceptable to assume I was cheating, but just that if she wants to question what I was doing and where I was then I don't think that's a big deal, and I might ask similar questions if the situation were reversed. Anyway, instead of asking where I was or even making a fight when I got back to the hotel and we skyped, she contacted my employer before I even got a chance to answer. As revenge, she sent a screenshot of a joke I was once made that would be considered by most people as way too offensive to be said (i.e. something politically incorrect). Note that she was not offended by the joke and even found it funny when I said it a few months ago, but her intention was to harm my reputation. Now she has done permanent damage to my career. I won't be fired, but I work in a tight-knit technical community, and my reputation has been tarnished. Probably a few people would even laugh at this sort of joke, but in the current era it's very taboo.

Otherwise she and I have no problems. I told her there needs to be a consequence if she wants to stay with me. I worked damn hard and made sacrifices to get a PhD in this field, and now there is permanent damage just because of her incorrect assumption, and it's not something like an office job where I can go work somewhere else and be forgotten at the old place. I fully realize that what I said is reprehensible and disgusting for all but 10% of the population who will laugh at any dark joke, but that said, it wasn't her role to betray me over it. I mean if she disagreed with the joke and thinks I'm a scumbag, then yeah ruin my career, but that was not her motivation, she just wrongly thought I was cheating and wanted to do the most effective damage. She now admits that she was totally in the wrong. I can't just forgive this so easily though, as it is permanent damage and not just something that embarrassed me. In exchange, I made her delete our chatting history on all apps so it can never happen again, and I will be more careful with my words. I have never been the type of asshole guy to ever check her or any ex gf's phone etc, but I have demanded her passwords for all chatting apps to verify that it is deleted so that next fight she can't do the same thing again. I also told her she should cancel her upcoming vacation with her friend. Note that I stayed around for a week after my work abroad finished, and she also totally ruined my vacation by putting a damper on the mood, so it seems fair. I'm not forcing her to do anything, as she is free to break up with me, and she totally agrees that there needs to be some sort of consequence for what she did. I also offered that she can find another way to "balance" the situation instead of cancelling the trip, but she has not proposed anything.

Am I being too harsh? I am open to suggestions.

tl;dr: Girlfriend wrongly assumed I was cheating and harmed my professional reputation in a major way and ruined my vacation. I cannot just simply forgive it, so I want her to cancel her vacation with a friend as a "punishment". Am I being too harsh?

Submitted September 28, 2018 at 08:56AM by Gregory-Berrycone https://ift.tt/2Im5YXH