I'm writing here because I want to support my boyfriend of 3 years, but he keeps making the same mistake over and over.
My boyfriend really wants a PhD but I don't think he's capable of it. He is very smart, but he's a lot like me: good at individual tasks, working with others, and following directions, but not a self starter, and not good at working alone or planning major projects from start to finish. He doesn't have a clear goal in mind for what to do with a PhD he just says he wants one.
I actually once attempted to get a PhD in the same subject, so I know what it's like. I told my boyfriend it's not like college at all and he says he understands, but then will comment how he loved college so he's sure he will love this too.
He also clearly has no idea what the requirements are. I explained that at my old school most people who came in with just a bachelor's would take 7 years to get a PhD. A few did six years, and I know one person who is legendary for finishing in five. He said that was ridiculous and it should only take 3-4 years total. I told him he'd probably spend 3 years just taking classes, so he interrupted and said "yeah, so 3-4 years." I asked when he would do his comprehensive exam and dissertation and he claimed he would do them while he was finishing up the last year of his classes. I told him nobody does that, it's not possible. It turned out he thought a comprehensive exam was like a final exam you would take for a college class, a little difficult than a regular test, but if you study for the last few weeks and cram a little more a couple days before it will be fine. I told him what a comp exam actually was and he clearly had no idea what I was talking about.
He also doesn't understand that to be employable afterwards, he has to have his own research agenda with published articles. He thinks if he has trouble finishing he can sacrifice the "extra" work of publishing research. That's the opposite of what you are supposed to do. I've seen many people delay finishing their dissertations to get a few more publications out, so they look better on the job market. What's frustrating is that he's not hearing me, he'll agree that I'm right, but a few weeks later will go back to repeating the same stuff that I told him was wrong. He's not getting it. The problem is he has no plan b and is convinced he will get the PhD. He is putting our lives on hold over this. We had talked about moving in together but he said he doesn't want to until he gets the school sorted out. So he still lives with his parents. He also refuses to look for a better job. I think he could get one because he has real work experience now but he is so convinced he will be going to school that he doesn't want to look for something else.
This is also his second time applying. We went through all of this last year and he got rejected from every school. He was a wreck for awhile after and I think the same thing will happen again. I asked what he would do if he got rejected again and he said he would try again next year. But I don't think I can keep doing this. There are applied Masters degrees and certificates that I think would be a much better fit for him but he won't consider them.
How do I support my boyfriend even though I think he's making a mistake?
Tldr: boyfriend is putting our lives on hold to apply for PhD programs that he likely won't succeed in.
Submitted September 30, 2018 at 07:28AM by Mrndhrtly https://ift.tt/2DGVkfB
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